It was not the answer I was hoping for

I've been broken and still am broken up to this moment. Have you ever prayed for something so hard, that nothing else comes to your mind except to pray and repeat the same words all over again? That's what I had been doing 3 years ago before things started going haywire. I am writing this because I felt like I can finally talk about it and I think part of my journey of healing is to tell this story.

3 years ago, we have all experienced being confined in our homes dur to COVID-19. I'm blessed because I was not working as a frontliner that time. I stayed in my parents' house together with my siblings. My family and I were struck by the pandemic deeply because the contract in my previous job has ended. My siblings also lost their jobs and the only thing that sustained us are relief goods and the little savings that my mom has.

It was okay at first until it became unpleasant because the savings of my mom started to be spent little by little until nothing is left. It was also the time when there are health workers who quarantine a specific area whenever there is a diagnosed patient who needs to be isolated. For 2 years it felt like the world stopped and for me and my family, it did.

September 24, 2021, is the second schedule of I and my sister's 2nd dose of vaccination. As we were on our way to the vaccination site, we noticed that there are plenty of ambulance as we travel to and from the site. Once we got home, our dad was already having hard time breathing. We called our older siblings and he was rushed to the hospital. My father has a chronic asthma and other ailments cush as heart enlargement, anemia, acidity, etc. He has a weak immune system to begin with and his asthma was triggered because of a fight between him and my siblings. During this time, I was hired as a call center agent with a work from home setup. I don't remember what they were arguing about since I was on duty that time, but remember going down and telling them to stop because I was in the midst of my shift. "Sorry ne, titigil na kami," was the response I heard from my papa.

2 months before this incident, I had an argument with him because He was asking for 5,000 pesos but I told him that I don't have it and he got mad because he said that I wasn't giving him enough money. Then after my father was brought to the first hospital riding a taxi, he was denied because they don't have the equipments needed to intubate my father. Then, my younger brother and mother, who were with him during that time, went to the next hospital but they were full so they traveled to another hospital where he was revived because as they went to fetch my father from the taxi, he no longer has pulse.

I was on leave that day because of my vaccination schedule. But I wasn't able to go back to work anymore because my father just died. On the night of September 24, 2021, my father was pronounced dead and I was crying together with my sister at home in our bedroom. My younger brother who was with my mom was traumatized because he witnessed everything and heard everything from the travel to different hospitals and such. It was also the night that the memo about my school appointment was published. As I kept on receiving congratulatory messages, I was also shattered.

"Alam mo ba lagi kitang pinagdadasal, na sana mapunta ka sa malapit na school."

"Good morning ne."

"Pwede ka na mag boyfriend."

"I love you ne."

Everything around me was muted and it felt like my whole world has stopped. That day, even before my papa was brought to the hospital, my oldest brother went home again as he was done making sure that my papa was in the taxi and on the way to the hospital. He said, "magdasal na kayo at maghanda na kayo, kasi malabo na si papa." I then cried and started uttering prayers to God.

"Lord, pagalingin mo po si papa mula sa sakit nya para hindi na po sya mahirapan. Gusto pa po namin syang makasama para maranasan nya ang masaya at masaganang buhay."

And God answered our prayers by taking him home to heaven. That day, God took hime from us and it was the greatest heartbeak I've ever felt. Our prayer was complete and total healing and that's what God did. In heaven, there is no sickness. There is no pain nor sorrow. He is completely healed with everlasting life.

Before he was taken out of the house to be brought to the hospital he kept on saying, "matutulog na ako ma", "pagod na ako ma, magpapahinga na ako", "I love you ma."

Before everything happened, he was already showing signs that he will be leaving us permanently. "He kept on playing the song, "lowbat na ba?", saying I love you and being extra annoying to us especially to my mama.

When they were travelling from the hospital, mama told my younger that, "halika na, uuwi na si papa mo." Which he did but in his urn.

To all the people who lost their loved one, because of any reason, I hope that you also find strength and healing in time.

I never expected that the first article I'll be writing after a long hiatus is this, but this has been the life I've had for the long years of being inactive. How about you? How have you been?