We will come to a point in life where we have to do things by ourselves. Decision-making, career path, love life, financial management, self growth, and even hitting the goal will become part of our lives. We have battles which we face with the people around us and there are battles which we have to fight alone.
We will reach a certain point when we don't talk that much, share that much, and we will just become mature enough not to get affected by every single thing that happens to us.
I never thought my future would be like this because I didn't imagine it. As I was cleaning, I tried to look for any note which will remind me of what I wanted to become when I reach a certain age but I found none. I was trying to recall what I've written to the essays my former teachers asked me to write when I was still studying but the only thing I remember is the word success.
There are so many things I wanted to do but I can't. December last year I've written a few things I wanted to accomplish this year but I haven't even started anything yet. It's ironic how I was so excited to start but the thing is that when I'm on the situation, it seemed impossible.
Just looking at how the days quickly pass by, I can't help but think that I'm just wasting my time doing nonsensical things. It's as though I'm stuck in an unhealthy routine which I've been doing for the past few days. It's important to be productive especially during these times.
If I really want to change my current situation, then, I have to do something. I'm more than motivated but I'm way too distracted to start. It's not just about doing what I want but more of doing what I have to. The more I look at the things around me the more I realize how important it is to focus on what's right in front of me.
Out of everything that I've stated, I came to a few conclusions:
Sometimes I just need someone who will tell me that it's okay even when the things around me aren't. It's a form of reassurance that what isn't okay will definitely be okay in the end.
I just need someone who will understand me especially during those times that I can't even understand myself. I've entertained the thought of running away from everything but whenever I see my mom's face, I realized that I can't.
I just need a good time to cry for all the disappointments and failures I have experienced. It's a way of reflecting on what I did wrong for me to be where I am at the moment.
I need to breathe, exhale all the negativity in life and inhale all the positive things in life.
Blaming myself for what happened in the past has done me no good. I only get angry with myself and nothing more.
Feeling exhausted is okay. Resting is okay. Taking a break is okay. It's not a sin to take some time to take care of myself.
I just started but I already want to give up. I want to be selfish and just think about myself, but I can't do that. I have an unspoken responsibility to my family. I have this mindset that I just simply want to quit when things are way too heavy. But now, I don't have that in my options. I want to make up for the 10 months which I am unemployed.
I want to tell them about this thoughts going on in my head but I have no one to talk to. I don't want to burden them and make them feel like I was a nuisance to them. As much as possible I want to keep things to myself.
I told my mom that I want to resign because the job is too difficult for me and she said, it's difficult for you because that isn't your forte. But if you resign then we'll only depend on my salary to live by.
I cried knowing how selfish my thoughts are. If I quit now, then what will happen to me and my family? Yes, I'm having difficulty in my job but it's more difficult to be unemployed. If it's difficult for me then it's more difficult for my mom.
I shouldn't have believed that after graduating in college, I am already all good. That isn't the reality of life. If you have no connections, no prestigious family background, and no skills, you wouldn't survive in this world. It's difficult to just hold on to your bachelor's degree and license. It's not as easy as it seems. Now, I have to be practical and work for my family. I need to save up as much as I can and enjoy while it lasts.
I'm sorry for writing my own thoughts frequently. I don't want to disappoint you as you read this but this isn't even an article. I just felt like wanting to release what I feel in this way. Also, thank you for taking time to read this. It means a lot to me knowing that I have written what's inside.
Love_16
April 10, 2021
Saturday
