Heaven and earth apart
You will never know the real pain of losing someone important to you permanently not until it happens to you. Be it a friend, parent, relative, spouse, sibling and even pets. It will definitely take a toll on your health and well being, as well as your perspective and outlook in life.
When I lost my father, that's when I felt what pain is. It's not the kind of pain where you'll just take a medicine or sleep then you'll feel better the next day. It's a struggle of sleeplessness, restlessness and never ending sadness, pain and sorrow in the heart.
The words such as "condolence", "I'm here for you if you need me", "stay strong" and other words of encouragement are empty words for someone who is grieving. No words can express how painful it is and there is no assurance when the pain will subside.
My family was having a good time teasing each other about crying for the death of my father and I soured the mood by asking them a question. "Is it bad to still cry? Isn't it normal to feel sad and let tears flow as it's the manifestation of sadness? Aren't you crying anymore?" Then my older brother told me how I make things serious even when it's just them having a good time teasing each other about it.
I'm unhappy most of the times. I thought that I was slowly walking the path towards healing but I realized that I wasn't. I'm lost. I'm unsure of the next steps to take and no matter what I do, I'm still in pain. The kind of pain that can't be healed by drinking medicine, eating delicious meals or sleeping as long as I want to.
If you ask me how I'm doing, my answer will be, I don't know. I don't know how I feel. I don't know how I was able to finish my job for the first quarter. I don't know the next steps to take and I'm always distracted. I've shared about what I'm going through twice but the feeling is still the same.
Today is the fifth month of my father's stay in heaven and their 38th wedding anniversary as well. I was planning for their renewal of vows. I've had it typed in my notes on the phone I'm using. I'm just glad that I was able to let him experience the money bouquet and money cake for their birthday and anniversary.
Everyday, I wake up demotivated, tired and empty. They told me that what I feel is normal for someone who is still grieving the love of their lives. They told me that I will learn to live with the pain of losing someone but I will never move on. I will just move forward and go on with my life. They told me that the longing and sadness will resurface from time to time and it will be like a twin I'll never get rid of.
As for me, I'm in the process of healing and just when I thought that I'm doing better, the reality will hit me big time and remind me that I'm broken, sad and mourning. I'll be able to get back in track because I have God.
God also lost His only Son, so He knows how painful it is to lose someone. God is the healer that I needed in order to get back to my feet and move forward. I can't do it by myself because I'm exhausted and I just wanted to getaway from everything.
As of now, I will treasure this moment in my life and let myself cry as much as I want, grieve as much as I want and be sad as much as I want. I will let myself go through this pain so when I have moved forward from what happened, and I see someone experiencing the same thing, I will know what to tell them and I will.listen to them as well.
We might be heaven and earth apart for now but your memories and warmth will forever be in my heart. I love you forever and always.
Love_16
February 23, 2022
Wednesday
