I watched a TikTok video uploaded in Facebook about a woman who can't say no to everyone before. Not until she had a near death experience where her exhaustion led her right lung to collapse which caused her to have a rehab and learn how to breathe on her own again.
I'm not like her. When I want something, I think of the ways on how I can have it. When I don't like to do something which I know is beyond my principles, I make sure that I don't bend my principles for it. When I know that I'm being compromised, I make it known to the people around me, but somehow, I can also say that I've had those guilt feelings when resting. That is the only common denominator that we have.
I want everything to be in sync. I want to take things in my control and be the best version of myself in whatever I do. It's fine as long as I'm challenging myself to go beyond the limit and prove to myself to that I can do it and become better and stronger.
"Do everything with your best so you won't have any regrets."
That phrase is what I always tell myself so I wouldn't have to regret and tell myself things such as, if only I do this, or if only I tried harder and push myself a little more then I'll definitely be able to do it.
I've made adult decisions which are what I'm reaping at the moment. I would love to explore and enjoy my youth rather than just staying at home and doing nothing but work. I'm now officially a nocturnal. I can stay awake for as long as I have to and when I wake up early in the morning. I will feel tired and exhausted. My mind is not functioning properly which makes me feel more tired. I will wake up, try to do some work but my mind isn't just into working at that time.
Honestly, I get to work better at night than in the morning and if given the chance, I can perform better at night. Night is also the time of the day when I'll have reflection, time to write, record and do things which are supposed to be done in the morning.
Before, I always enjoy the peace, joy and serenity of being at home but when the pandemic strike, I felt like I should have gone out more. I should have enjoyed more moments with the people around me. I should have saved more. I should have chosen to give more without thinking about myself. I should have been kinder to myself.
I was even wondering as to why did God allow me to be unemployed for 10 months. Why He allowed me to go though the pain and brokenness of failing the first try. Why He answered my prayers now. And a lot more of what ifs. But one things for sure. That is the fact that God is never late nor too early because God is always and will always be on time.
Now going back, I've been exhausting myself these past few days. I've been answering late night chats, working late at night, having meetings even during weekends and just simply not enjoying myself and my family. I thought it was okay. I thought that I'm fine. I thought that things will be a lot easier if I do those things, which turned out that it wasn't.
I should also set boundaries to myself such as not responding to chats past 5 p.m. Not entertaining any stress during the weekends and not blabbering words which should only be on my mind. So much for resting and not feeling guilty.
One time, I've spent my whole weekend working and just simply working. I've been with my laptop the entire two days and I was unable to talk to my family, spend quality time with them and just simply be happy and enjoy weekends and rest days. I done even have the me time I deserve. I thought it's okay since this is a new journey and everything is just so new to me but I should've known better than to make myself believe that everything is fine this way.
I actually have a lot of things to do and accomplish. I definitely know that so, I'll have to do my best to do a checklist of do's and don't s. I need to plan my whole week ahead better.
Also, it's not selfish to choose happiness, rest, enjoyment and peace of mind over the things that make my mind cluttered and occupied. It's okay to rest and do the work for the set time. It's okay to be in control of everything that happens around me. It's okay to commit to work and commit to resting at the same time.
Resting is never a crime that I must feel guilty. Also, I'll make sure not to disturb my workmates and the people involved in my job when 5 p.m. strikes. If I want the thing to happen to me, then I must do the same thing to others.
Speaking of rest, resting isn't just about sleeping. It is also about meditating, enjoying and finding time to just sit down, enjoy the day and to detoxify yourself from stress, anger, or any negative energy at all.
Resting also prolongs life. For without enough rest, exhaustion follows which leads to more physical problems. I wouldn't want to vomit my insides because of too much stress. I don't want to go on medication again for GERD. I don't want to become restless and sleepless again. I just wanted to be happy and healthy.
If there is a time to work, there is also a time to rest and asleep. Over time is unhealthy. The work and the boss can always find a replacement for me but my family can never find a replacement for me. I only have one life so I must live it happily, centered in God's will. It's also important to keep myself checked for too much stress and exhaustion as also leads to mental health problems.
I have to be happy and healthy so I won't have to pay for my medical expenses and such. I want to live longer and better for my family.
Night time is rest time. So I must start teaching my body clock to be awake in the morning and be asleep in the evening.
With that, good night everyone and have a dreamless sleep. Make sure to wake up happy and excited.
Love_16
November 18, 2021
Thursday
