Fear of the future

Journal Entry #1

January 7, 2021

Thursday

I don't know what the future holds.

I don't know until when I'll live.

I don't know if I'll be able to become successful this year.

I don't know how to stop myself from worrying too much.

I don't know how to start.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm confused.

I don't know a lot of things and it makes me fearful.

These had been the thoughts going on through my head for the past few days since 2021 has come.

As I kept on sharing with my previous articles last year, I have experienced crying a lot, being unable to sleep well, not eating on time and shutting myself away from people.

It's just the beginning of 2021 but I feel the same things. I eat breakfast at 11 a.m. because I'm losing my appetite, I sleep past 12 midnight for I can't sleep for some reason and I have body pain.

I feel nauseaus. I vomit earlier today as long as I ate. I'm experiencing hyper acidity and heart burn. I'm uncomfortable with my body. My nape and upper back are aching. I'm having a hard time to focus on what I should do only to find out the reason why.

Last year, I have failed to land a new job. I was unemployed from April 2021 until now. I have high expectations with myself. I expect to be a public servant and help my family in our financial needs. I'm starting the same thing over again. It's starting from the beginning.

By God's will I was able to get hired and I will start a new job this January 25. I'm worried. I don't know if I'll be able to do things right because it's way too different from my previous job and the course I have taken in college.

I don't want to mess up.

Then I came across the memo which states that they are already waiting for new applicants to apply. It was the same job which I applied last year. I was confident with myself but now I'm losing it.

I don't want to go back to the same time before when I had to cry myself and indulge in the pain of failing what I wanted to do. I feel pressured and constantly tired.

The only difference now is that I can't cry even though I want to. I'm overwhelmed with my emotions at the moment. I wasn't even able to write an article today because of it.

This is when I realize that people are afraid of uncertainty. I am afraid of it. Whenever I do something I'm always sure to what I'm about to do, but now it's different. My failure is what keeps me afraid of tomorrow.

I want to cry or vent out to someone but I don't know how. I don't know whether it's worth sharing and to whom I should share it because even I am having a struggle with what I'm feeling right now.

I'm overwhelmed with this new journey.

I'm afraid to fail for the second time and disappoint the people around me.

I'm afraid to make mistakes.

My stress is triggered which is why I vomit again.

Then I had my devotional for the day.

1 Thessalonians 3: 4 NLT

Even while we we're with you, we warned you that troubles will soon come ——— and they did as you well know.

I just wanna cry right now but I can't since I'm not at home and I feel like my feelings aren't as important as their sleep. I don't want to trouble anyone that's why I'm thankful that I still have an outlet where I can vent out what I feel.

Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

I don't need to know my future. I just need to know who hold it. The one who holds it is no other than. God himself. God's plans are way better than mine. My time will surely come. It might not be now but knowing that I have God as my back up, I feel more at ease.

Jeremiah 29:12-14 NLT

12 In those days when you pray, I will listen.

God is listening to my prayers. He perfectly understands me. Even now that I'm having worries and fear of the future, God is with me. He never shut his doors from me.

13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.

I can always come to God and find Him. I surrender everything to God. I don't have anything to offer or anything to boast about. He understands my pain. He cares for me more than anyone else.

14 I will be found by you,” says the lord. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.”

I found God in the midst of my storm. He was there. He is with me. He knows exactly how I feel. He knows that I need Him so He reminds me about it. I am home in God's presence.

To anyone out there who are also struggling even when the year has just started I want you to know that you are never alone. There are also other people who has the same battles as yours or even greater and heavier battles.

May you find good rest tonight and have renewed strength by tomorrow.

Don't worry. Keep praying. Miracles are happening.

Love_16