Have you ever experienced failing?
Failed to reach a goal
Failed to be who you want to be
Failed to do what you're told
Failed to start up a business
Failed to be someone better
Failure to see your self worth
Failing the family expectations
Failure to see better results, and so much more.
Failure is not an option for me. I always want to achieve my goals for the day. If ever there is a change of plan, I see to it that my time and strength is not wasted. I have the tendency to want to put everything in place. I don't like disruption in my set goal.
When I want to do something, I always make sure that I do it.
My family doesn't have high expectations of me. Which makes me feel more pressured. They don't push me to do something I don't want to do.
When my contract ended last year, I was unable to contain myself. I always talk about not having a job. I blamed myself for failing. I was unable to function well.
Whenever I try to share what I feel, they say that they understand, it's okay and that I'll be able to reach my goal when the right time comes. Those words were never enough to pacify what I feel.
I feel so disappointed with myself. I felt as though I haven't done any good thing for the family.
You see, I always ask for money from my family. I was never able to save up money for my own needs. I always depend on them. Last Christmas my two older brothers even gave me money because I don't have a job. I accepted it because it's not as if I actually have a choice.
When I was a student I struggle financially. When I worked for two years I still struggled financially. Then when I finished my two year contract I still don't have a moment of my own.
I shared this to a friend and she said that I was being too harsh on myself. I don't pity myself but I tell myself what others can't tell me.
"Your investment is your youngest brother because you are supporting his studies."
But I don't see it as an investment because it's my responsibility as his older sister to support his studies.
"Your family doesn't see you as a burden."
They might not tell me straight to my face but I know that I am. Imagine a four year course bachelor's degree holder who can't even buy her own personal needs. Even my sanitary pads has to be bought by my mother.
"It's okay you can try again."
I had to go back to square one. I need to restart the whole process and repeat preparing all my requirements. I had to meet the same people because it's them whom I have to repeat the application.
"You are doing good. It might not have been your time for now, but you'll surely have your own time."
No words were able to clam my heart. I'm still anxious. I still want to cry from time to time and repeat the same words I keep on uttering last year.
"You never inconvenienced your family. It's just your thought."
I had to go to my sister's house for my demo for a new job. I had to eat, sleep and consume their food. I had to live and eat without providing them anything. I have the thought that even though they don't tell me, I know that it's what they think of me.
The truth is it was just all in my head. Since I'm not the type to day it out loud, it's all bottled up inside. I was diagnosed with tachycardia when I was fourth year high school. It's a condition where my heart beats rapidly even without me doing tiring activities. I can't get too tired, agitated or angry. My heart was stressed out with every single thing that happens to me.
I didn't get the chance to participate in our physical education activities. I was appointed as a secretary because I've had a medical exam which shows that I can't participate in strenuous activities. I have taken vitamins for the heart for 30 days and had another ECG to check if I've been better.
This made me realize that it's never okay to keep things I side especially with the fact that I have my family with me. Even if I don't have many friends at least I have a few who loves me dearly. Even if I don't go out often I have my churchmates who checked up on me. I'm blessed to get healed after just a month of medication but I still have to take care of myself.
I was unable to express myself well which actually made me look like an outcast or my college classmates even called me weird. I .ight have been like that in their eyes because I don't like taking too much and whenever I talk, I either hurt them or I sound way too bossy. I don't know how to communicate well with others. I was hated for my attitude and I understand them.
But it doesn't matter now because I was able to see the true value of my family.
A family will always be willing to help without asking anything in return. A family will never see you as a burden. A family will always stand by your side even if you messed up. A family will never tolerate you but they do it because they care for you. A family will never count every single good thing they did for you. A family will always think of your welfare. A family is where you feel safe and where you belong.
My family is the source of all my inspiration and aspiration in life. My family is whom I always use to motivate me when I feel like giving up. My family is my primary goal. I want them to experience the luxury of life. I want them to see me successful one day. I want them to be proud of me. I want them to live in our own home where we don't have annoying neighbors who likes to get noisy and talk about other people's life.
It might not have been within my reach for now, but I know that there'll be a day when I'll be able to do so. It might seem impossible at the moment but if I continuously work hard and pray I'm sure that my parents and my when family will witness it.
I admit, I'm not perfect. I have my own shortcomings. I have committed mistakes and I will still have a lot in the future. But what keeps me going is my family.
Now, I'm no longer afraid of failing. Failure is a must in order to know what success is. Besides, failure is the proof of trying hard.
I have cried, will still cry but I will never give up on my dreams. It might take some time but that time will surely allow me to appreciate the success I'm about to experience. I know that I still have a long way to go but now I'm no longer afraid because I have my family with me. I'm more than blessed and happy to have them in my life.
January 10, 2021