Expectation Vs. Reality
Expectation is what you look forward to. It is what you've been picturing in your mind and what you've always been daydreaming about.
LIST OF MY EXPECTATIONS
I expected that after graduating in college I'll get hired easily.
I expect that after working in private school for two years, l get hired in public school right away.
I expected that once I'm earning my own money, I'll be able to buy what I want (clothes, shoes, pants, etc.), provide what my family needs, travel anywhere I want and eat anything I like.
I expected that after two years of working I'll have savings.
I expected that after graduating in college I'll get pursued by men who are willing to commit in a long lasting relationship.
I expected that I'll have the money to buy my own house and lot and keep saving up for my future.
I expected that my goal to pursue my career further will be possible since I am strong willed.
I expected that my parents will still be there to see my success and celebrate with me.
I expected that my workplace is a harmonious and blissful place to work at.
I expected that I'll get better in everything I do little by little.
LIST OF MY REALITIES
After graduating in college, I had a hard time looking for a job. I had a demo teaching in different schools. I spent money for printouts, time to go to different schools and even if it's too hot since it's summer, I decided to bear all of those things because I wanted to get hired. Then I've seen my classmates get hired one by one while I did not get hired. I've seen them sharing their stories at school, posting on Facebook and seeing their family members happily congratulating them. Then, I felt envious of them because I also wanted the same thing. I got hired after all the tries with a low salary and toxic working environment.
After working in a toxic private school for two years, I applied in public school but my application got rejected due to incomplete requirements. The school did not give me my COE because the owner wanted to make sure that I'll never try to turn back from my responsibilities to that school at that time. The money, effort, tiredness and tears I shed upon knowing that I did not pass made me constantly sad and anxious. I wasn't eating or sleeping well. I became desperate to look for jobs that I kept trying to message or submit my resume to whatever post about job I've seen online. I felt so useless and incompetent that time.
When I worked with only 8,500 amount of salary per month, I had to give an allowance to my brother, give money to my parents, pay for my review for taking the LET and sustain my daily allowance at school. I was constantly exhausted that even if my salary was not in my hands yet, it has already been budgeted. I remember one of my workmates who told me to treat myself with at least a McFloat from time to time but I can't do it because every single cent counts.
I always wanted to have savings but I was never given the chance and the opportunity to save up because the money I was earning that time was never enough, in fact I was always short of money. Many people told me to try and save up at least 50 pesos per salary but how can I do that if my salary kept getting delayed. I never wanted to tell my parents or my siblings about it so I kept everything to myself. I decided to do a tutorial session with at least one of the students of our school just so I'll have an extra money. I don't want to look pathetic so I always portray that I'm a strong person who is always okay.
Many people told me that after I graduate, men will line up to pursue me, well guess what, that is a scam. Many men doesn't want to commit or pursue a strong independent woman. Men liked me but it was never enough to try to pursue me and I always thank God for sparing me from any heartache. I also had the chance to become more focused in my career. I've seen my friends get cheated on and I always praise God for allowing me to never be in a wrong, toxic and ungodly relationship.
I never had the chance to buy the thing that I have always wanted not until I worked on a BPO company. I was able to buy the McFloat I can't buy. Every family celebration, I can sponsor for a Contis cake, give gifts and treat my family to a delicious meal almost every week. I don't need to wait for special occasions to buy cake, bucket of chicken or even donut just so we can eat it. I am given more than enough to share my blessings to my family and friends. I was able to treat my friends to a meal or go somewhere with them without thinking too much about the money that I'll be needing to spend.
It took me two tries to finally get what I've always longed to have. I've always seen myself in this situation and look at me now, thriving and striving to get better each day. It took me twice the pain emotionally, physically and spiritually but the breakthrough after the pain is beyond my comprehension. I'm also thankful to those people who believed in me and never stopped supporting me all throughout my journey.
I was never able to celebrate my hired date in public school because the night that I received congratulatory messages for getting hired in public school was also the night when I received the news that broke my heart into million pieces. September 24 at 8 p.m. was also the date that my father died. He was unable to wait for the news that I'll be working as a public school teacher and it was only one ride away from our home. He kept on asking me whether i already have a school since he knew that I passed the ranking this time. He told me how he kept on praying to God to assign me to a school near our house. When God answered his prayer, he was taken away from him.
My first workplace was toxic. My second workplace was a place of growth where I was supposed to earn 40,000 a month only if I did not resign and my third workplace is now making me feel insecure about myself. I'm introvert and I'm not that good at dealing with people. I have to stand on my own and make sure that I can do things by myself. I've been through a lot so getting alienated isn't new to me. I'm just always looking at the positive side of my life that everything I'm experiencing now will definitely allow me to be a better person.
Honestly, I'm don't know if I'm okay or not. The only things I know is the fact that I'm not allowed to give up in life. With everything that happened to me and my whole family, I know that I'm never alone and I will never be.
Life is not life if it's easy and smooth sailing. Life is life because of all it's imperfections, pain, tears, exhaustion and sorrow that it has. I always praise and thank God for being there and allowing me to go through a painful experience moment in my life. I am never going to be the person that I am today, if I did not go through all those pain and hardships.
Life might seem tiring and you might even entertained the thought of giving up but let me tell you this, God is there. He has always been listening. He's always near to you. You are never alone and if ever you need someone to talk to, I'll also be willing to listen to you.
Love_16
March 22, 2022
Tuesday
