I am the type of person who likes to keep everything to myself. I don't like attending parties or even reunions. I just happen to attend whenever they remind me that I already said yes to go.
I don't like going to parties because I'd have to dress up and put an effort with myself. I remember way back in college when most of my classmates have their debut. Some of them invited me but still I did not go. I just give them gift if possible but I don't like the idea of needing to stay out late since most of them has a debut in resorts. Aside from that, I don't like mingling with other people. I'd like to be in company with a few people rather than to spend my time with many people whom I don't actually know.
One of my previous students had her debut last May 23 and it was Sunday. I don't have nag plans of going and told her that I'll just send her my gift. We had a convo after her debut and she told me that I didn't come and she was actually expectant of us. I went out that day and came home late. I felt sorry for her but I have no intentions of coming over especially with the on going pandemic.
I don't like going to reunions because I don't think they need me there. I'm not the type of person you'll want to be with for many different reasons. I'm not nice, they call me bossy, I speak my mind not even considering what others will feel about it, and most of all, I don't have any close friends from high school whom I'll want to hang out with and meet during reunion. I just don't like it. I don't even want to interact with them via chat so I just often see the messages on messenger and I can't leave the group chat even if I want to because that would have been rude to them.
I'm also the type of person that if ever I get comfortable with you, I'll start bothering you nonstop which is actually annoying. I kept chatting and I see myself with my father who likes to video call or call others even though he has been rejected many times. I'm annoying and I tend to over share that I get annoyed with myself about it.
There was this instance when it was my birthday and I was unhappy since I don't feel appreciated or loved because I didn't receive any gift. I was too immature that there were two people who decided to treat me to a nice meal just to appease me and I had the urge to do the same thing for them so I decided to treat them to a meal. It was fun but at the same time I felt relieved knowing that I have no food debt left. When I asked for the reason why they actually decided to treat is because I rant about it which is really immature.
I'm annoying for wanting to chat and video call which was also one of the topics when I met with a few of my friends. We had a video call for about 2 hours and it seemed as though I didn't want to let go of taking to her. She actually joked about me having a boyfriend and spending hours on the phone because I'd like speaking to him. Which taught me a lesson not to do it again. I also started not to chat that much not unless my opinion is needed and not to actually try to engage in a conversation in not involved not unless they call out for me.
I'm introvert but I can't do things on my own. Lately I was ironing my hair when my mom told me that my older sister whispered to her that I can iron my hair on my own. I've been pestering her and asking her to do it for me and I also wanted to be with her going to the mall or going to the doctor since my mom is not available to come with me. I've been constantly asking the people around me to come with me to go somewhere until they all got tired of me doing it saying that I'm a grown up and I should start doing things on my own. Which is true.
My sister actually told me to have a boyfriend so I'll always have someone to accompany me wherever I want to go so I finally decided to just do things by myself.
I actually have an older brother who accompany me anywhere I go but he's now married and he works every weekend so I can't ask him to still come with me. My younger brother also likes to come with me but I don't like it that I still have to do things on my own. There was this one time that we
Then I remember that I was once like that. When I had my TB and I needed to go to the center from time to time when I needed medicine I always go there by myself and I was just 16 or 17 that time. I didn't need to ask for anyone to come with me. I like going there by myself. Aside from that I went to Manila by myself when I was 15 and I needed to apply to a university for an entrance exam. I've also had to go to the school I was assigned to become a student teacher when I don't even know that place.
I don't know if this is the definition of pushover but if it is then maybe I am indeed a pushover.
As of now, I'd like to start doing things on my own and part of it is growing out of my comfort zone and enjoying every single moment of life because it's the only way to not overthink and exhaust myself in the depts of my mind.
Love_16
June 6, 2021
Sunday
