Born different

Why am I like this?

This is the question I always ask myself whenever I'm torn to do or not do something. I don't know why I've always felt different from others, especially my siblings. All of them are business minded and good in numbers while I'm the only one who chose to be a teacher. I'm always the sickly child who needs constant care.

I'm always the heartless among us siblings that when I say no, it means no and there is no way of making me say yes. You can't try to make me do the things that I don't want to do. When I want something, I'll do everything in my power to have it. I'm not the silent type who gets bullied. I always have this angelic face who might look like someone who can't do anything wrong but my words are venomous.

I'm always misinterpreted by the people around me as someone who is bossy, perfectionist and heartless. I don't easily back down especially if I know that someone or something is unfair or unjust. I'm not the type of person who will let others to get their way or just simply bow down to others just because they said so. If it's wrong, then it's wrong. I won't tolerate it even if you're my friend. You'll hear the words you have to hear without me sugarcoating it. I will tell you the exact words you need to hear.

If there's something that must be done now, I won't wait for the next day to do it. I gate procrastinating things especially if it doesn't hinder my productivity. I also get easily upset in the situation that I'm at, especially if I know that I don't deserve the hatred that others feel about me. I'm always the type to think if ever there's a time that I have offended that person in any way. There's a lot of people who hate my guts. Telling me to slow down and keep myself in check at all times.

I also hate it when I can't just let things pass by unlike other people. I have this thought that if I let the small matters to pass by, then they'll definitely do it again. Many people actually told me that I am perfectionist and I somehow agree to them. I like everything to be placed in order. Another thing that people hates about me is the fact that I'm way too secretive and reserved.

Yes, I don't like sharing my thoughts and the things that happen to me to others. I have this thought that they wouldn't understand since they've always been like that. They'll ask me to share then judge me afterwards. Someone also told me that since I'm an English major, I must know how to express myself clearly in words. Well, since I am different, I told her that not because I'm an English major, I'll be more articulate especially if I don't want to talk about a specific topic.

I'm also the type of person whom others think about when they have problems. They will send me a message whenever they are distressed while no one asks me how I'm doing. I'm also the family member who is only liked whenever I have something to offer. I am single, so they expect me to have a huge amount of money when I also have financial responsibilities and difficulties. They are so used to ask me to pay for it first then they'll just pay me back. They do pay me back but it's when I ask them for it.

"You are single, why don't you have money?" I often hear this and they even ask me where am I spending it. I only answer them I don't know. You know how frustrating it is when you want to buy something but you can't since your money has already been budgeted even before you received it?

It is also frustrating that I am not respected by the person whom I'm supporting his studies. It's just way too much. I can't also express myself in words because if I do so, they'll just return my words. They'll ask why am I like this and such.

Another thing is the fact that I can't stop myself from helping others even though I'm just seen as a convenience. If my nephews or nieces need something, they'll ask me to sponsor it or I'll do it on my own because that's what has always been expected of me. I don't have the heart to say no when it's the kids were talking about.

I hate myself whenever this happens but I'm used to it. I just go back to the question, "Why am I like this?".

Love_16

July 17, 2022

Sunday