A lot of thinking

I do a lot of thinking and I hate it. It's the reason why I keep on writing. I have no one to share it with except for my phone and notebooks. It might also be one of the reasons why I like collecting notebooks. The words I can't say are either written in my notebook or typed on my phone.

It's night time and yet my mind is fully awake. I browsed my timeline and saw a few pictures I posted about my father. I didn't even appreciate him enough. A few days ago, I dreamt about my papa. He asked me for a dance and we danced. He was wearing his usual outfit. His gray shorts and white shirt. In my dream, I was crying and apologizing to him for every single mistake I did against him while we were dancing. I had a closure with him in my dream. It was as if it's my debut.

Afterwards he told me that he'll sleep. He sat down and slept like he usually does. He can't sleep lying down because it's difficult for him to breathe so he often slept sitting down while swaying his head. Then I woke up with our cat beside me intently looking at me as if sensing and knowing what happened. It's as if Cream-O is telling me that it's time to wake up to reality.

I can't help but feel sad and it's normal. No one can tell when I'll completely heal because I'm way too broken at the moment and no one can mend it. They said that time heals all pain but it's not the time that heals the pain. It's God and people learn how to deal and tolerate the pain. That's when freedom takes over.

I also wanted to go abroad to buy a house and lot for my family in a subdivision. We all deserve to live in a peaceful and safe environment. I would also like to start taking my masters degree this year but things don't usually go the way I expect it to be. Things will happen and I'm just glad with the direction that God teaches me to take.

I also need to start saving up for my brother's needs in his studies as well as start saving up for my future. You see this is what happens when it's night time. Instead of sleeping, I do a lot of thinking. And yes, I always talk to God. It's just that I need to ease what's on my mind somehow.

There's still more in my mind that I can't find the right words to describe or write and that when tears fall to speak for unspoken pain, disappointment and sadness.

Good night 🥱

Love_16

January 12, 2022

Wednesday