I never thought that I'd stay this long in my current job. It was a roller coaster of emotion. I've learned a lot of different things which I can never learn if I wasn't in this industry. Ice been through a lot for the past 5 months and yet look at me still going on.
I've had highs and lows in my job. I'm still a newbie and I admit that I still have a lot of things to learn. It's been an exciting yet tiring journey. Nothing has been easy for me since the beginning. I also love the fact that I am seeing my growth little by little. It's something I celebrate in my own simple way.
I messed up a few times and had to deal with the consequences as well. I also had to deal with irate and irrational people but I don't have anything else to do aside from accepting the fact that it's part of my job.
I've had a few coaching logs which makes regularization a lot more difficult for me. I need to make sure not to repeat the same mistakes over again because if I did, then there's a tendency that my contract will be terminated.
I also learned the importance of choosing what to share, how to share it and whom to share it. I've been reluctant thinking that it's ok to share when I feel like it when it is never okay. I've been too comfortable with them that I over share which is one of the things that I learned the hard way.
I need to be vigilant and choose the people to talk about something. There was this one time that I was ranting. I thought it was okay since it was just us not knowing the fact that it will be taken against me. I thought it was fine to rant to them but I guess it was a wishful thinking. Anywhere I go, whatever I do and no matter how hard I try to do my best, one single work can end it all.
I admit it was my fault for over sharing and the other thing is the fact that I'm a newbie. I can't get too close to any of them. I can't be vocal and tell all my plans and all my rants to them. It was just way too reckless of me.
There are also higher expectations of me. Those expectations seemed to be too difficult to reach but I have no choice but to follow. I need to prove myself that I'm worth it of my job because they can easily replace me if ever they don't need me anymore.
I had a mentoring with my boss about my regularization. She asked me if the things that I can do for the company, my strengths, weaknesses and what are my action plans in order to eliminate my weakness. I was too nervous and when asked of their questions I don't actually have anything to say. That when reality hit me hard that I am indeed not yet ready for those things.
I have to constantly prove myself. They need to see that I am worthy of my job because if I lose this, I wouldn't have anything left of me. It's tiring to try and reach that goal but it's possible. I get to cry over work for messing up or feeling bitter for the unfair things that happened but I know that nothing will happen out of my bitterness.
Going back to those people whom I thought are trustworthy, I just realized that I trust easily and I am gullible. I must also save or keep things to myself. I can't just always be immature and blame others for what I've done wrong.
I no longer think about quitting. My responsibilities are greater than my unwanted feelings and emotions. Sometimes, you'll need to do the things which you don't like in order to provide for your family.
I also realized that I don't need to like or love what I'm doing in order to perform well. I just needed to think of my why's.
Why am I doing what I'm doing?
For whom are all these pain and sacrifices?
Then the last question will be...
Until when will I do this?
The answer to the last question is uncertain but I entrust everything to God.
I might be crying today but my tomorrow are filled with God's love, and peace. I surrender everything to God. Fr the things that I have control of, upto the things which I can't control, I lay it all down in God's feet on His throne in heaven.
I will cry but I will never give up.
I will get tired but I will never quit.
I will get hurt but prove that I did a job well done.
June 27, 2021