There are questions which we ask but it has no definite answer. There are questions better unanswered than hearing the painful truth. There are also statements which aren't questions but it somehow requires an answer back. There are also questions which we know the answer but we never wanted to accept it.
I'm the type of person who of likes to figure out everything on my own. I want to be independent but at the same time I want to be dependent. I want to have someone to come with me whenever I go somewhere. It's as though I'm safe and secured if I'm with someone I know just like my family members or my friends but truth be told that I can't always be with them. I can't always depend on them.
I'm also afraid to open up about myself even if it's just too little because I don't know what the person I'm talking to will think about me afterwards. I also have this moment when I would want to tell my story but no one is willing to listen. I'm often misunderstood and called bossy, weird, and other awful things which I don't want to mention anymore.
So were back to office and I'm anxious about doing so. I don't want to risk my health as well as my family's health. I'm afraid of the unknown but aren't all of us are? I want to stay working from home not just today but until next year. It's safer and I have this assured feeling knowing that I don't need to meet with other people.
I had a conversation with my brother when I told him that I wanted to resign and just go back to teaching. I'm having health issues in which I always feel dizzy or lightheaded which is maybe due to astigmatism or due to lack of sleep since I only sleep for about 4 hours and a maximum of 5 hours. I always feel pressured and for me, I've done my best but the problem is still with me.
We dissected everything from my issues upto how can I deal with it and I was literally crying while we're chatting but he doesn't need to know that. He told me that I wanted to go back to my comfort zone and yes that's right. And I know to myself that of ever I'm given a chance to go back in teaching, I'll definitely grab that chance.
Truth is, I can't be selfish now. I need to make up for the 10 months that I was unemployed. I can't just think about myself and my needs. I can't give up just because everything is too difficult for me. I can't make decisions because I know that none of my decisions are right. My family needs my help at the moment.
I thought that when I'm at this age, I'll be able to know what to do and figure out everything. Guess what, I'm just starting. With all the stress that I've had or everything that I've been through I felt as though everything was way too tiring. I'm literally exhausted for no reason and this is the first time that I felt way too exhausted that all I just wanted to do is shut down.
Actually my current goal is to stay in the company for a year and leave a good impression about myself. I don't want to take this wonderful opportunity to pass by and regret in the end. I want to prove to myself that I can and I did. My time might not be now but I know that God has the perfect plan for me and I just need to wait and trust Him for it.
I've also started to buy a new pair of pants and I'll buy blouses and shoes next time. And it's the first time I was able to do so. This is my second job but I feel as though this is the first time I have one with all the privilege I'm experiencing as well as the favors given to me.
By the way, all my bosses and workmates are kind to me. They are also dependent. The company has been so good to me and I'm forever grateful to be part of it.
These are the list of questions I kept asking myself and it's either I don't know the answer to it or I chose not to answer any of it. But yeah I know that I'll be able to figure it out.
Why are there questions with no answers?
Why can't I just get what I want?
Why can't I excel like others?
Why am I so sickly?
Why can't I choose my passion?
Why can't I just be happy?
Why am I not good enough?
What am I lacking?
Why can't I accept the fact that what I want is not possible at the moment?
How can I encourage others even though I'm discouraged myself?
Why is it that nothing goes my way?
Why is it that I don't like going to office?
Why am I like this?
Why am I so afraid of going out?
Why am I disheartened?
Why am I choosy?
How do I get to work and get home by tomorrow?
Until when can I keep up?
Why is my best never good enough?
Why can't I do things on my own?
What do I hate about my current job?
Why do I make simple things complicated?
Why am I losing my focus?
Why can't I have enough sleep?
How long do I still have to wait?
One thing that I want to share with you is that not all questions require an answer and life isn't life without all the good and bad times.
God bless you everyone and happy SONday!
Love_16
April 25, 2021
Monday
