1st birthday salubong

I've been feeling sad and lonely lately. I wanted to be alone and do nothing. I don't even eat on time because I'm quite busy doing work and there's been a lot of events in our family. I feel drained out of my strength and sound mind. This is the kind of exhaustion that no amount of sleep can keep me well rested.

I also told my workmate about my papa and as usual, she doesn't know how to respond to what I told her. I'm just glad that she was all ears while listening to me and she maintained the eye contact as well, showing how interested she is in what I tell her.

I've been crying a lot lately as well. I guess it's the way my body copes with how I feel and think. The fact that it's my oldest brother and my mom who stays home at the moment gives me more alone time to ponder and evaluate the things that happen in my life.

I'm planning to buy my father a cake tomorrow because it's his first birthday in heaven. I guess it's the reason why I'm crying, I feel sad and lonely. I don't want to feel this way but it's just how my heart feels and I think it's a good thing that I can be sad on my own.

Actually, as I'm writing this, my heart is pounding and I feel sad as well. I already gave the 5,000 to my mom which was what he asks from me last year but I wasn't able to give it to him since I don't have money that time. I'm really sorry to my father because I'm a year late. He can no longer appreciate the money that I've given to my mom as his birthday present.

I didn't know that it will be the last that he'll ask me for money and I wasn't even able to give it him. He told me that he'll buy a new wristwatch. I told him that he doesn't need it since he already has three wristwatch wherein one of those are newly bought. I didn't know that he will give it to my brothers as his heritage. It was treasured by my brothers a lot and they also wear it often.

Earlier today I woke up with the fires of our dog at 5:07 a.m. I went down to stay with him. I tried to sleep some more in my mother's bed but I wasn't able to do so. I was wide awake from 5:07 a.m. until now. My mom usually leaves the house at 5 .m. to go to her work and put dog doesn't like the fact that he's alone downstairs.

I greeted my papa happy birthday since June 13. There was a confusion in his birth certificate that's why we celebrated it on July 13, June 13 and June 15. I don't actually want to leave the house tomorrow because I know that I'll just cry and feel sad but I also know that I have a job to fulfill. I'll just go straight home from work. I honestly feel terrible the past few days and I'm sure that I'll feel more heartbroken tomorrow.

I was also notified by my Facebook memories of how we celebrated his birthday the past few years ago. I've also been curling up in bed lately just letting myself feel sad. I'm slowly moving forward and I'm still in the process of healing. I don't know when I'll be all better or how I'll keep on but one thing's for certain, my papa will never want to see me sad, depressed or sulking.

He is also the kind of person who sees every single detail. He knows how I feel, what I think about and he knows the hole me. He knows what makes me upset and what makes me happy. He's a parent indeed.

I grew up seeing him with no vices and he never lays his hand on his children. I'm a well loved and cherished daughter by him. I actually miss him calling me or chatting me asking where I am. I'm 23 years old last year but he still looks for me as though I'm a highschool student.

Then I would get annoyed and confront him when I get home. Now I miss him. I miss him so much and I regret how I've treated him or how I've taken him for granted. I also did not celebrate the father's day last year thinking that I'll be able to celebrate it with him this year and I regret it so much.

Now my tears can never suffice the pain I might have caused him when he was still alive. I feel the pain in my heart and no words can ever give me comfort. I wasn't even able to give him the things that he needed. I wasn't able to provide for him. Regrets are indeed always in the end.

I love him so much and I hate the fact that I can never be with him anymore no matter how much I wanted to. I can never see him again no matter how I long to. I can never feel his warmth or hear him anymore. He's just the love of my life that I can never move on from. I just love him to much.

Love_16

June 14, 2022

Tuesday