I Was A Chainsmoker

I started smoking when I was 20 years old. It was a sort of an experiment at first since I have seen classmates from high school and college going at it. I wanted to know what pleasure were they deriving from inhaling poisonous gas into their lungs.

I bought 2 sticks of cigarette, the menthol ones, and smuggled it inside my room. I was living at my Aunt's house back then. The room I was in had a gap in the wall and I used it to be my chimney. I was a little apprehensive, what if my Aunt smells the cigarette smoke from my room? But I had an alibi also since my Uncle's brothers were like chimney factories. I was careful though. I had a spray, alcohol, body spray, and cologne, in case my Aunt wandered into my room.

Back to that 2 sticks cigarette. I lighted one, inhaled, and had a bout of cough. It was horrible. I was thinking how could some of my friends stand this. I tried another puff, it was still horrible. So I stubbed it slowly and put it inside a plastic container to use it again the next night. It was still more than half of its length.

On the third night, my plastic container smelled so bad I had to wash it in the middle of the night. I scrubbed it thoroughly with water that had chlorine, soap powder, calamansi juice. The scrubbing took a little while before the smell was gone. The flavor of the cigarette I was inhaling twice a night for two nights was gone, and it was so smelly I threw it inside a soda can then threw it at the garbage can.

I didn't use the other cigarette and left it at the back of my drawer inside a cellophane.

Then some family crisis arose a few weeks after. I was so angry that time, I was so hurt but I had to keep a smiling facade. That night, I used the cigarette stick I kept. It accompanied me in that dark, lonely night.

I began buying 2-3 sticks of cigarette and finishing it for a week. Yes, my little plastic container got smelly over and over again. I puffed often but I remembered craving a drag off a cigarette so much when I was down, lonely, sad, hurt, angry, frustrated.

It became a nasty vice that I cannot shake off. When I graduated and started working, the job entailed me travelling to distant places --- cities, provinces; some were lively, some were so quiet. A pack of cigarette was never away.

I discovered smoking while drinking my black coffee (no sugar) was heaven. And I was a coffee addict those times too. I can finish 2-3 sticks of cigarette per cup of coffee, a minimum 5 cups per day. Making reports, it was easy when I had a stick on my fingers. Talking with friends on the phone, loved dragging a smoke.

Yet, I stayed conscious of other people. You could say, I was a responsible smoker. When I was in crowd, I didn't smoke. When I was with friends and family who didn't smoke, I would go far to smoke. If there were children, I didn't smoke. I didn't smoke anymore inside my room or even room hotels because I didn't like my room smelly. I gargled after smoking. I used an alcohol and perfume after washing my hands. I didn't threw my cigarette butt just anywhere; I always looked for a garbage can.

I remember riding a non-aircondition bus in a province, a young man was smoking to his heart's content. There were elderly persons and children on board the bus. I called out to him, telling him with a smile that I had a cough and his smoking was irritating it. Luckily, he stopped without a fuss. There was also a time when our company had a summer outing in a beach at Mactan, Cebu, a 7-month pregnant colleague approached me and asked for a cigarette stick. She said she got nauseated with some foods. I almost jumped up and ran away from her, shouting 'No!' I told her that it was not good for the baby and looked for mint candies she can suck.

Smoking regulations before in the Philippines were not strict. People are smoking on bus stops. People can smoke inside non-aircondition buses. People can smoke in coffee shops, bars, disco houses, resto grills. Believe it or not, I was ecstatic when smoking restrictions was imposed by the government.

A colleague once chided me that I smoked way too fast. He was still on his first stick, and I was lighting up already my third stick. I curtailed my smoking after that.

January 5, 2016 I found out I was 4 weeks pregnant. I still had a newly-bought pack of cigarette. I searched the internet on the effects of smoking on early pregnancy. I read a lot of forums of pregnant women saying it was okay to smoke during early pregnancies. There was also an article I read saying no studies were proven that smoking on early pregnancy stage affects the fetus. I started to light a stick but other articles from medical sites like WebMD and Healthline.Com says smoking can affect the baby on early pregnancy and will increase the baby's risk of heart disease, SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome), asthma, low immune system, etc. I stubbed the cigarette immediately and gave the cigarette pack on a neighbor.

16 years of being a chainsmoker --- my friends and family cannot believe I gave it up immediately and with no withdrawal symptoms. I never believed in withdrawal symptoms anyway because whenever I get sick before, I didn't smoke. It's all in the mind, I guess. I heard that a former colleague was hospitalized because she stopped smoking; her appetite suffered, she couldn't sleep, she was like a living zombie. My doctor said that maybe I wasn't affected because of the love I have for my unborn child. She also cited that my mind and body had been conditioned already to protect the fetus.

Months after my delivery, there were times I craved to smoke. But I always thought that I was gonna go home to my baby, and nicotine sticks on clothes and skin for days no matter how you wash or take a bath. So it stopped me everytime. Two years after my delivery, I once tried taking a drag from a colleague's cigarette one time while we were travelling, because I got nauseated with the food we ate, I wasn't able to complete the drag because I was coughing hard. He told me jokingly that my body was rejecting the smoke after I got cleaned. Oh well, maybe so.