Dedicated to my Angelo, my unborn son....
Once again, my eyes do not stop the tears contained in my soul, there is no day in which I ask God to comfort and forgive my wounded heart for more than 20 years after your departure; despite not having graduated with honors, I know that at some point in my life I had a son in my hands, not in the way I longed for, but in a way that made my soul split into more than a thousand pieces.
To know that you were inside me was a great happiness, so much so, that my body was not enough to keep the blessing of having you, I wanted to tell the whole world, I wanted many things to change, I wanted the uncertainty of what was happening to be a beautiful and natural experience of life, but it all comes down to the fact that I wanted you to be here today and even though it has not been so, I am grateful for the opportunity to have been one.
I cared for you and protected you as much as I could and I still wonder what happened? what did I fail you in? what did I do wrong? I don't understand the fact that you decided to get out of my coat, so small, so fragile, so innocent.
I could not have the opportunity to enjoy you: I wanted to experience your movements, your little kicks, I longed to see you being born, to hear you cry, to engrave in my mind and heart your newborn baby scent, to feel your skin, to count your little fingers and fill you with kisses and cuddles, I dreamed of seeing you grow, to give you all the best of me, you were my legacy; and without knowing it, you were my first and only true hope.
I ask your forgiveness, for not having the courage to face the world for you, for not closing my ears, for letting you hear words that you should never have heard, but that we both understood in a wrong way; forgive me, for not understanding you, for not staying still and pretending that nothing important was happening in my life, forgive me for going to work when you wanted me to stay at home, with you.
It was only 40 days, in which I had sensations that I have never felt before or since, my skin became softer and smoother, more perceptive, my stomach took the most complicated part, between nausea, dizziness and thirst, I discovered that you liked pineapple, mango, you adored a refreshing lemonade, a good bite of fish and puree of potatoes; fast food was not to your liking, you always took time to savor and send butterflies fluttering between one bite and another.
You changed many things and I know by science that you were a boy, by the changes you made in me, you left your essence in my blood to protect me, to take care of me, you gave me the miracle of having you in every cell of my body, and I have nothing left but to honor you and thank you for all that short moment when we were one.
I always wanted you to carry your father's name and after understanding that you had transcended again with the Creator, you became my Angelo E****** and for just a brief moment, you let me know that I would never be alone and that God had sent you to finish growing and be strong in the face of any adversity.
The truth is that life goes on, you are the most beautiful and beautiful memory that I keep in the deepest part of my heart, I will love you forever my Angelo.
/Spanish
Dedicado a mi Ángelo, mi hijo no nacido...
Una vez más, mis ojos no detienen las lágrimas contenidas en mi alma, no hay día en el que pido a Dios que consuele y perdone mi corazón herido por mas de 20 años tras tu partida; a pesar de no haberme graduado con honores, se que en algún momento de mi vida tuve un hijo en mis manos, no de la forma que anhelé, sino de una manera que hizo que mi alma se partiera en más de mil pedazos.
Saber que estabas dentro de mi, fue una felicidad muy grande, tanto así, que mi cuerpo no era suficiente para guardarme la bendición de gestarte, quise decirlo al mundo entero, quise que cambiaran muchas cosas, quise que la incertidumbre de lo que estaba pasando fuese una hermosa y natural experiencia de vida, pero todo se reduce a que quise que hoy estuvieses aquí y a pesar que no ha sido así, agradezco la oportunidad de haber sido uno.
Te cuide y protegí lo más que pude y aún me pregunto qué pasó?, en qué te falle?, qué hice mal?... No entiendo el hecho de decidieras salir de mi abrigo, así, tan pequeño, tan frágil, tan inocente.
No pude tener la oportunidad de disfrutarte: deseaba experimentar tus movimientos, tus pataditas, anhelaba verte nacer, oírte llorar, grabar en mi mente y corazón tu aroma de bebe recién nacido, sentir tu piel, contar tus pequeños dedos y llenarte de besos y mimos, soñaba con verte crecer, darte todo lo mejor de mi, eras mi legado; y sin saberlo, fuiste mi primera y única esperanza verdadera.
Te pido perdón, por no tener el valor necesario para enfrentarme al mundo por ti, por no cerrar mis oídos, por dejarte escuchar palabras que nunca debiste oír, pero que ambos entendimos de una manera equivocada; perdóname, por no entenderte, por no quedarme quieta y fingir que no pasaba nada importante en mi vida, perdóname por ir a trabajar cuando querías que me quedara en casa, contigo.
Fueron apenas 40 días, en los que tuve sensaciones que nunca antes ni después he vuelto a sentir, mi piel se tornó mas suave y tersa, mas perceptiva, mi estómago llevo la parte mas complicada, entre náuseas, mareos y mucha sed, descubrí que te gustaba la piña, el mango, adorabas una refrescante limonada, un buen bocado de pescado y puré de papas; la comida rápida no era de tu agrado, siempre te tomabas un tiempo para saborear y mandar a revolotear mariposas entre un bocado y otro.
Cambiaste muchas cosas y sé por la ciencia que eras niño, por los cambios que hiciste en mi, dejaste tu esencia en mi sangre para protegerme, para cuidarme, me regalaste el milagro de tenerte en cada célula de mi cuerpo, y no me queda más que honrarte y darte las gracias por todo ese corto momento en que fuimos uno.
Siempre quise que llevaras el nombre de tu padre y después de entender que habías trascendido de nuevo junto al Creador, te convertiste en mi Ángelo E****** y que por tan solo un breve instante, me hiciste saber que nunca estaría sola y que Dios te había enviado para terminar de crecer y ser fuerte ante cualquier adversidad.
Lo cierto es que la vida continúa, eres el mas bello y hermoso recuerdo que guardo en lo más profundo de mi corazón, te amaré por siempre mi Ángelo.
Photos provided by: https://pixabay.com/
Traductor: https://www.deepl.com/translator
I'm sorry for your lost :( I teared up while reading. I'm not yet a mother but as a woman I understand that losing a child is the most painful thing. It's like taking away half of your soul. But then at least you experienced being with him even just for a little time, that's what matter.