I am scared of falling in love. Afraid. Intimidated, by the word "love".
I understand it, live it,preach it and breathe it. It's all around me,the very foundation of my home, the very material of my friendships - love. The irony lies in the noun becoming a verb - being in it. Falling in it. Or maybe my problem is in the "who". The being on the other end.
Why does this happen? How doest it happen? Understanding this would set me free I know. But I can't. It makes me cry,shows my weakness, breaks me down and it threatens the friendships I have with the male gender. The male gender that shows interest in me.
At first I'm elated - oh my! I'm being noticed - but then this isn't really news to me because I'm psychic. Reading people is an inborn thing. So that first thrill comes then it wanes.
No! HE wanes.
I notice every and each flaw and they make a huge imprint in my mind. Flaws easily overlooked becomes a big deal for me and eventually I just dislike him.
I'm aware of when I'm hating him, aware of when I'm in that transition and most times I try to fight it off. Sometimes I win. Most times I don't.
Happens with all the guys who have dared to ask me out - even crushes.
I should be worried, and I am. It's not spiritual, I doubt. It somehow doesn't bother me that much but I pray I get over it. I still think there's something, or "someone" I'm still holding on to that's giving these negative vibes. But for now I agree I'm Philophobic.
This was inspired from the confesssion of a friend of mine and now i seek your advice for her.
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Maybe the right person hasn't appeared yet... Everyone just has his side of Story about love, It's pathetic and at the same time admirable