"You Trigger Me!"

I would always consider friendship as a wonderful gift from God. The number of close friends I have is a tangible visible blessing enough that I consider myself favored.

As the years passed, there is this friend I have that I love so dearly but triggers me uniquely and deeply. This friend is someone I can cry on or laugh with but also fight with. It's funny how I can have all of those with this friend. Then there was one time when we had a serious disagreement on things and oh dear, we FOUGHT! The loud shouting words escalated and harsh comments were thrown back and forth. We were both right and we were both wrong but no one wants to admit our own fault. Her face turned red and my ears are smoking hot like I was cooking something. It was only when we both chose to walk away that made my 100 miles per hour pumping heart slowed down.

SWEAT AND TEARS fell on my cheek. It was first because of anger and the feeling of not being understood or listened to. But anger was quickly turned into regrets, regretting the things I have said that should not have been said to my dear friend. We both hurt each other and I am responsible for the pain I have caused her. I couldn't believe I went below the belt. I gave her an uppercut harsh comments. I pierced her with my cutting words. Now I am on the edge of losing one of my dearest friends.

How did I get there? Why lashing out to her came quickly that I didn't notice and cared for her anymore? I have never been this mad. I have never been this rude. I have never imagined that those words would come out from my own mouth. I was shock about the fight but I was more surprised and scared of my reaction. Surely it was more than what it looked like.

As I began to reflect, I asked myself how on earth I turned into a 'MONSTER FRIEND'? What made me feel so bad that I would forget who I was talking to and the relationship I have with this person?

Then all of a sudden, I am struck by a memory from my childhood. I remember being a child and listening to how my dad yelled at my mom. His voice escalated and my dad's words became like knives cutting into my poor mother's soul. I saw my mother's tears as she wiped it with her shirt. I couldn't bear it anymore so at the top of my lungs I screamed 'STOP HURTING MY MOM!'.

Remembering this made me more regretful of what I have said and did to my dearest friend. DID I BECOME LIKE MY ANGRY DAD? Didn't I promise that I will never be like him? But then I have a life changing realization.

I WAS TRIGGERED! Not because of the disagreement I had with my friend but because I saw something in my friend that reminded me of my angry dad. I saw a character that reflected like my dad to which I made a vow never to be like him. You see, I was never angry with my friend but I was triggered and angry with my dad.

Unprocessed painful memories, well-kept bitterness and grudges, no matter how hard you keep it all down it would always surface and smell. As my mentor says, 'TRIGGERS ARE OPPORTUNITIES TO GROW' but I also quoted, unresolved triggers will only rot and it will poison. The only sad thing is that whoever holds unforgiveness and bitterness also drinks its poison.

Hope you won't do the same mistake I have done because it did cost me a good friend.

Thank you for reading!