"Do You Feel Like A Failure?"

I got my bachelor's degree six years ago with flying colors. I was second honor out of all the graduates that year. I was so proud of myself because despite being a working student I still managed to excel in my class and every effort paid off when I got my diploma. My dream of being able to give a speech infront of my batch mates happened. Graduating and getting a degree brought pride and honor to my family.

Six years have passed and now I have a stable job. I am beyond grateful and blessed that even through pandemic I still have a job to sustain myself. I feel like I'm in that right place and I fit well with everyone.

But something happend two weeks ago when I was leading an event. The CHAIR coordinator of all the heads of the student affairs in Davao City asked me this exact words, "Miss J, do you have letters after your name that I may put it in the description?" At first I was clueless of what she was asking. Inside of me I asked "what letters is she referring to? My middle name initial or my nickname?" So I pause for a while and really thought about it deeply. Then all of the sudden I understood what she meant! When I finally got what she asked of me, I suddenly felt like a sting in my heart. My insecurity was waving and suddenly I felt like I shrunk. This lady was asking me if I have any other academic title like if I am an LPT (License Professional Teacher) or I have MAed (Masters of Arts in Education).

This SHOOK me. It was not long until I was having a pity party for myself. I felt small and unaccomplished. I instantaneously forgot the flyings colors and the medals awarded to me when I graduated. The hardship I rendered and the grades that cost me sleep in college didn't seem to matter anymore.

Since then, I was bothered by my academic status. My self-confidence went down and the voices of failures became louder. Questions were looping in my head and it seems like it is not stopping. "AM I STUCK AND LEFT-BEHIND? AM I A FAILURE? Questions I asked myself. So one by one I took time and asked God for His truth in my life.

"AM I STUCK AND LEFT-BEHIND?"

Well I don't think so. I believe that I am on my perfect timeline right now. This job is for me for this season. I am growing personally and for years I have been honing my skills and building my self-confidence. I mean that's gotta be an accomplishment right? I've realized that some improvements or successes aren't based on how much you earn, some are based on the happiness you get from your friends and family or from the love you have for your job. Success could mean being able to impact others. Others might look like they've soared higher than you and it would be hard to compete with them but I now realize that my path and my season are different from everyone. I am just on my OWN PERFECT TIMELINE. I not racing or competing, I am just simply walking. Walking every step of the way, taking one day at a time. So, "AM I STUCK AND LEFT-BEHIND?" The answer is "NO, I AM NOT".

"AM I A FAILURE?"

This was strong for me after that lady asked me the question. It felt real to me and I almost believe that I was. I guess it felt true because I know I also have dreams that are still dreams. Unconsciously I have deep down disappointments of myself and my situation. I've been waiting for it to come to pass for years but somehow it still hasn't happened. However, as I meditate more on this I have understood that my plans may have not taken place yet but this doesn't mean it's a failure OR I am a failure. Even if I haven't seen even a glimpse of my dreams coming through, I just gotta believe that what HE promised is true.

So going back to the person who asked me if I have letters after my name...with a smile, confidence and contentment I answered, "No Ma'am, just my complete name and my job title." After that I gave myself a big confident smile and said to myself, "I AM NOT STUCK, I AM NOT LEFT-BEHIND, I'M OKAY AND I AM NOT A FAILURE".🥰