When I was still a kid, I’m the curious little girl that likes to question a lot of stuff that make people lose their patience. I remember how it all started how my relatives just can’t keep up with me and instead of getting answers from them, all I got is sarcasm. I don’t know why I’m so unaffected, no matter what they say, no matter how many rolled eyes I got, I can’t seem to understand, I keep on bothering them still. I like to fit in even though I know that I don’t belong, I can’t feel the belongingness but at the back of my mind I want to be one of them. The feeling of being involved, the feeling of being seek when you are not there, I want to feel that at least.
I remember one time while I was playing, I saw my sister with her friends, they are older than me for just maybe 2 years or so. They were back then just wanted to stroll around and I was very excited to go with them. I run as fast as I could just so I can reach them but only got shooed away in return. That was probably one of the memories that I keep on repeating that hurts me and that was the last time I ever go with them. I never played again. I never go out of our house ever again. And everyone is very curious why I couldn’t bring myself to play like I used to, how I wouldn’t talk like I used to. Funny how they noticed everything but never knew how they treated me.
I stop from talking a lot because I am afraid that people who I have now, will be like them. They might realize that I’m too much to handle. I changed myself to be accepted but maybe it was still not enough, I feel unloved. My family instead of them being my home, they make me want to leave home because it was not a home for me anymore. I badly wanted time to run so fast so I can go ahead and graduate, have a nice job and live my own life. Away from home, away from anybody who reminds me of pain.
You probably never knew me but I know and I hope that you knew what I feel. They said that I’m too sensitive, I cry over small things. I hope that they realized that we don’t feel the same, my feelings are mine and therefore what they feel are theirs. I hope that you don’t evaluate merely basing on your experience and feelings because the whole world doesn’t just revolve around you, why it is very easy for you to invalidate my pain when you don't know where it came from. I think, I have the right to be hurt, right? Because if not, then what am I?
Thank you.
