somebody needs a coffee

Rain came pouring down when i was drowning, that’s when i could finally breathe - taylor swift

I thought I’m done having anxiety every time it rains, now I am once again wrong.

I’m here again to drop some bombs before it explode in my brain. Mixed feelings, as always. There’s fear that always steals the stage. There are worries that makes it harder for me to sleep. On the other side of the coin, there’s joy that fuels me to do more and do good.

There’s this endless void inside of me that makes me think deeper about how life works. It’s sad sometimes how I need to work in order to get the things I need and want while others can get it right through there without even doing anything. I guess that’s just the bad side of me speaking.

17:56 Saturday August 6,2022

I ran errands today. There are so many changes in my life right now that I decided to swim with the waves.

20:39 Tuesday August 9,2022

I shed a tear. It’s heavy to think that I got so many things on my table already and now I have to deal with another insecurity. I can barely bring myself upfront. It’s tiring, you know, that I always have to be the bigger person. I wish I could snuck myself in and cry it all.

As usual, I can’t talk to other people about it. This is bad. I know people have their own challenges at the moment and I’d hate to add up.

Lately, I’ve dealt with trails of betrayal. Too disappointed but not surprised. People do that. I might as well feel okay already being useful to them. I come in handy. When you get used to the same pain, you become bigger and the pain will look small. So, it’s okay if people will only invite me after they realize there’s still an empty chair or most of the time, they don’t remember me at all.

No one can be an island but one can build a world that has no deep seas where you can’t drown with thoughts and questions on why you’re alone.

I have continuously been checking up on my tita in Finland. I’m so excited for her to experience the autumn season. It’s my favorite season even though I haven’t been in its realm. I told her to keep me maple leaves. I think it’s a symbol for warmth and hope. The leaves may fall but growth will come soon, when all is right.

I’m glad I have this one friend who doesn’t get tired of hearing my corny jokes and little secrets.

Oh, what a world. So thankful too for Sheldon and friends and the Gilmores. You keep me sane.