Month End Thoughts and Squabbles

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Written by

getting the best of both worlds

2 years ago

Topics: March, Diary, Personal

I wasn’t supposed to publish an article for this day but my mind has been hazing with thoughts and it’s clouding me at the moment.

For this month, it was all about countless self doubts and push throughs.

I have been fighting so hard to control my emotions but it often slips and everything is not falling into place.

For now, I’m thinking too deep once again on why the world is too unfair. In small and big matters, I wonder why.

As for my healing

I am proud that after some time, I can finally say that I made the right decision for me. It takes a long time to see the bigger picture but time really helps to enlighten what was happened in the past.

I do cry a lot, or little more at times. Trauma is not something we could run away from after closing some doors. Actually, trauma is closing all the doors. It is parallel with isolation, in which, I am so afraid about.

With gratitude

I could not have been able to reach this moment without gratitude with every little thing that I see and happens every single day. I seek for the little sparks of magic that come. I am grateful to the few people who are always by my side especially to my friend who checks up on me. I wish I am capable of showing my feelings towards others in a way that isn’t awkward. It’s hard for me to open up and she’s been very patient throughout the time.

Hopes and Dreams

No matter how it’s getting impossible each day to achieve my dreams, I still dream more and bigger than yesterday. I consider my strength to dream as my power because even if an ocean of uncertainties will crush me, I will always find a way to survive. I have seen worse and somehow that gives me the will to overcome whatever it is that will come right at me.

Are we ready to close the book?

It is somehow heavy to close the book for this Month. We’re also about to end the first quarter for this year. Time flies so fast and maybe I’m proud of my little achievements; I don’t mind if others are doing much, much better than me. I firmly believe we all have our own process of everything. We don’t have the same time stamps.

Next month, I will be turning 21 and reality gives me some paper cuts. As we go on with life, you will really realize how at the end of the road, all you will have is yourself. Maybe that’s the reason why I have been so assertive with my beliefs and principles lately. Well, I used to be like this before so I shouldn’t be too much surprised.

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I am still standing where I thought I couldn’t be. I was still able to ran a thousands of bumpy roads and climb mountains of impossible things. There’s isn’t a clear path wherever I go but I know, wherever I’m headed, I will never lose myself because there’s a fire inside of me that no one will ever know of but me. On top of things, that’s more than enough.

If I fall, I will land gracefully.

My shortcomings will help me grow.

And like a phoenix, I will rise from the ashes.

I will keep repeating these words because I know, time’s the matter and people will start to lose their hopes on me.

And it should be okay, because I will have myself no matter what.

I have random things on my mind; I hope though that I am not fooling myself. Haha! Maybe this is the result when you bailed on your therapy sessions.

If you read this article, I’m sorry for the red flags that I might have unknowingly raised. I am doing the best I can to be better each day.