Dying Hope

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3 years ago

As I sat on the cold floor, my back against the wall that had been painted yellow with a thick layer of nicotine by my years of smoking, a tear slid through my cheek. There was nobody to run to.

The image of Dr. Miller sitting across me, breaking the tragic news that I am on my last stage of lung cancer keeps playing in my mind. It was only almost a year when I decided to stop smoking.

Life is weird.

I remember when I started smoking. My first puff was at the back of Ron's Chevy, I was 15 by then and willing to explore things in life.

I coughed. I tried again and there it was, a success. At first I started smoking two cigarettes a day for mere fun. I enjoyed watching the smoke come out from my mouth and nose. I wasn't sure if it was the calmness I felt as I blew off the aromatic smoke or it was the void inside that I felt like getting filled in as I destroy my lungs. But the next thing I knew, I could not get rid of it. Eating without taking a cigarette afterwards made me sick. Two sticks turned into one pack.

I used to walk into the club with the company of my so-called friends. I would wear my favorite high heel boots matched with a leather jacket I did not return from an ex. Would it even be called my presence if you could not smell cigar in the air? I would glance at the drunk men in disgust. Disgusted at their alcohol addiction and thinking I am a lot better than them for not getting wasted in public.

It took several years before I started paying for my addiction. The symptoms started showing off. I told myself, "I wanna die anyways". But as I had said, life is weird. At first, I was not afraid to die because I got nothing to lose. Mom died after giving birth to me. Dad died when I was 20 due to heart attack. I don't have a sibling and I don't know any of my relatives. I don't have a family and friends.

Oh, how lonely this world sounds.

And then I thought, I don't wanna die yet because that's it. That's the point. I got nothing to lose feels like I never achieved anything in my life. I want to have something to lose because that's what makes life life. So I quit smoking. And here I am.

Sitting on the floor.

Nothing to lose.

More dying than my lungs because I shouldn't have hoped in the first place.

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Comments

The most important reason for ignoring the harms of smoking in smoking habits is that it is harmful in the long run. Everyone says there are years, but when the time comes, I will leave. But then sometimes it can be too late!

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