@Kaylee

The Controller - Bad eggs in Relationships A controller pattern, in many ways, is the opposite of a pleaser. Yet they both have a strong need for acceptance. But they certainly try to get it in different ways. A pleaser yields power to others in their desire to be loved, but a controller takes over and takes charge to gain the respect of others. A pleaser has an overabundance of sympathy but very little objectivity. The controller, being just the opposite, has a great amount of objectivity but doesn’t know the first thing about sympathy. Controllers are very analytical. Even though this helps themunderstand the needs of others, the purpose is usually to gain control over them. Controllers can usually be identified by the following seven characteristics of how they relate to others. Their need to be in control is obvious, and they use two means to accomplish this. Fear expressed through intimidation is typical, and they are very adept at discovering and using weaknesses in other people. The other tool is quiet, and it can be activated in the spouse of a controller by a word, rolling of the eyes, or a gesture. Any mistake is noticed and used to guide the erring spouse into line with their agenda. Controllers are very self-reliant, and in marriage teamwork for themis not a possibility. Totally independent, they create their own vacuumof loneliness, for their style of independence alienates themfromother people. The absence of emotion in their life helps to create a marriage in which their partner ends up starving for closeness and intimacy. The emotional bonding which is necessary for a healthy relationship fails to happen. Many controllers have never allowed themselves the opportunity to feel. If they do, they keep it in. I see numerous people who have only learned to cry on the inside. Many controllers only feel anger. Joy, delight, and sadness are missing fromtheir lives. They think about emotions but rarely feel them. When their spouse expresses emotions, they’re probably quite uncomfortable with the display and quickly try to deal with themrationally. Controllers are quite inept at expressing loving behaviors that are genuine. What you may see as graciousness, politeness, kindness, or even being very sociable has a purpose in mind—to take control of the other person. Having love as an end result has no real meaning, but using love as a means to an end makes sense to them. If there is an interest in another person, it’s for a purpose. Their partner, married or unmarried, ends up feeling used. But many controllers believe they are loving their partner. Using themis an expression of their love. Rules, rules, and more rules is their way of life. And the more rigid they are, the better. There is a right way to do things —it’s their way, and it’s the only way. They know what’s best for others and will orchestrate their life. If you’re in a relationship with a controller, you’ll find yourself being forced to conformin one way or another. Not all, but many controllers have the additional problemof being a perfectionist. This will make your life even more unbearable. Controllers are people who live by labels, which includes name-calling. The most common one I see in counseling is when the controller (often the man) tells his wife, “Now you’re not going to go and get all emotional on me again. You know we can never resolve anything when you get that way. When you pull yourself together, then perhaps we can continue.” Their style of communication has one characteristic: demanding in words, intent, and tone. They’re bottom-line people who cut right to the heart of a matter. There is one last factor for you to consider when a relationship contains a controller. It is very difficult in a marriage for intimacy to develop when one partner is overly dominant or controlling and the other is submissive. A controller won’t open up and reveal his or her inner life and feelings for fear of losing the position of power or control. And the submissive partner is fearful of being open and vulnerable, because he or she could be attacked and overwhelmed by the other person. In When Love Dies, the results of the research indicate that one of the main reasons for individuals losing their love for their partner and eventually divorcing is a lack of mutuality in the marriage. Mutuality is a respect for one’s partner which is based on the belief that each person is an equal in the relationship. When acts of mutuality are missing from a relationship, love dies. Lack of mutuality includes controlling or dominating a partner or disregarding their beliefs, opinions, desires, etc., or forcing themto do something against their will. It’s showing disregard for who they are. Now, have we talked about anyone you know—a former partner, a current one, yourself perhaps? Let’s keep in mind that the majority of pleasers are women and the majority of controllers are men. Often they attract one another as they strive to fill the empty places in their personalities. In a marriage to a controller, you end up feeling misunderstood and dominated. Controllers don’t take the time to foster and nurture a close relationship. They get their own needs met, and any guilt or shame which might break through to the surface is repressed by activating the guilt of their partner. If you are dating someone who fits this profile and you continue the relationship, ask yourself, “What is the need in me that causes me to be drawn to this kind of person? What am I hoping they will do for me?” Reflect on what your marriage relationship would be like five or ten years fromnow. Are you prepared for emptiness in your marriage?

The Next Level of Vision ¶GodisWithUs Remember Elisha, the Prophet in Israel that was hunted by the King of Syria? Something happened to his servant, which inspired this article. The Prophet Elisha became most wanted by the Syrian King, because he revealed the military plot of his armies to the King of Israel, when they were at war. ¶Let's Get Elisha! The King resought to abduct Elisha. So, he sent his troops to fetch him. The fully armed troops arrived at Dothan, the location of their target. They surrounded the entire locale. ¶Master We Are Finished! Early in the morning, the servant of the Prophet, Gehazi realised as he made a peep through the door, that they were surrounded by soldiers, with horses and spears, and bows, waiting to strike. Let's assume the servant may have thought, 'It's my master they want, so I'm spared'. But may be he loved his master, and so he was concerned. Or most likely, he thought, 'They'll kill me too! 'So, he cried out, 'Master,we are finished! What shall we do?' ¶Are You surrounded? Are you encompassed? Are you surrounded by fear, uncertainty, troubles, unpaid bills, or your enemies who have sworn to see your end. Or a loved one you is in this situation? Surrounded by thick darkness or death? Here is goodnews! Your troubles are also surrounded by the troops of God. God's protection builds around you—a superior wall. Rest assured of God's divine presence. The Prophet prayed that God should open the eyes of Gehazi. ¶Fear Not It is normal to fear when all you could see is negative, trouble, attack, incompetence, inabilities, enemies. Fear then becomes the wall to lean. But you can arise from the wrecking boat of fear and stand on the solid grounds of God'sprotection. This happens when you can see the provision available in God for you. Until the servant saw the Angels and chariots of fire surrounding them in defense against the Syrian troop, he was afraid. That is why as a Believer, you need to step up your vision. See what God has done and what he is doing, instead of only seeing what the devil has done. ¶Step Up Your Vision In this case, Elisha prayed, and asked God to open the eyes of this young man.Then he saw what was in the spirit. You may not have anyone to say that prayer over you now, but you can say the prayer for yourself. You can pray for God to open your eyes to see what he has done. When you see what God has done, it is possible to be at ease, trusting in his faithfulness. But if all you could see is what the devil has done, then you will fret and even run before the devil strikes. But when you know that you are protected, you are calm in the midst of the storm.They that know their God shall be strong and do exploit! How will you know? You have to see. How will you see? Pray. Seek revelation in prayer. And see things from God's perspective. Then God will open your eyes. God bless you.

Talking Relationship- Obsessive Lovers: How to detect obsession Some people are addicted to love, no matter what the consequences. In a healthy relationship you may hope and even idealize that perhaps you have found the person who may be the fulfillment of your hopes and dreams. But it’s balanced with the realization that it may not work out. You have a safety net called reality. An obsessive lover works without a net and doesn’t even understand the word doubt. When they find a new person, they cry out, “Yes! This is my magic person who can fill all my needs and give me happiness.” Their fantasies and expectations about this special person have very little to do with who that person really is. Their focus is on what they need and what that other person can do to meet those needs. A person such as this lives with the myth of the ultimate passion. For the person being pursued initially it may be flattering but in time suffocating. Does this fit anyone you know? For people to fit the pattern of the obsessive lover, they need to meet four criteria. This includes having a consuming, intense, even painful preoccupation for a real or wished-for person in their life. They seem to be consumed by either possessing this person or being possessed by them. Here is where rationality breaks down. The person they desire must be unavailable to them in some way or may actually reject them. They may have said, “I’m not interested,” “I’m not available,” or “Get lost!” But it doesn’t matter to the obsessive lover. The rejection actually feeds and frightens the obsessive love. Because of the unavailability or rejection, they begin to behave in self-defeating ways. Their fear of rejection can have the same effect as having been rejected. And it’s a self-defeating way to live life and create a healthy relationship. The rejections are creatively rationalized. Statements like the following are common: “I know that she dates other men, but they really aren’t significant to her. She really cares only for me. She’ll realize that soon.” “I call him several times a day and he hangs up. He just can’t face how much he cares for me. I guess he’s overwhelmed by it and can’t handle it. Someday he will.” “He hasn’t called for two weeks. It’s happened before when work gets really busy. When it lets up, he’ll be back.” But all these statements deny the truth. When sex is a part of this kind of relationship, it further clutters the relationship. In most obsessive relationships, sex plays a major part. And it’s usually very intense and pleasurable. The problem is it’s used to measure the intensity of love, of compatibility, whether the other person cares, and leads to idealization of the other person. The obsessive person uses the sexual relationship as a sign of certainty that this relationship is “the one” for his or her life. But often the intense, passionate sex has been mistaken for love, and the short-termpassion makes any rejection hurt even more. As I have worked with couples in premarital counseling, I’ve found that about half of them have a pure sexual relationship. They are not having, nor have they had, sexual intercourse. For those who are engaging in sexual relations, I ask them to bring this to a halt and to maintain a pure sexual relationship until the wedding night. They agree to this, and in time some of them make a decision not to marry. Why? Several have said, including men, that now that there was no sex, they could see their problems more realistically and the driving passion that had seemed to be the glue that kept them together. An individual can overcome an obsessive love difficulty. If you or someone you are seeing has this problem, put all involvement and dating on hold until it is resolved. It can lead to obsessive pursuit, revenge, stalking, and even violence. Do you or someone you know fit this list? An obsession with love can have the following characteristics, and it only takes a few of these to indicate a problem: ¶They yearn for a person who isn’t physically or emotionally available to them. ¶They live for the time when their desired will be available to them. ¶They believe that if they want them enough, eventually they will have to love them. ¶They believe that if they continue pursuing this person long enough and hard enough, they will accept them. ¶When they are rejected, they want the person even more, and continued rejections lead to depression or rage. ¶They feel victimized because of the lack of response on the part of their partner. ¶They believe only this one person can fulfill their life. ¶They are so preoccupied with the person that their work is affected, their eating, sleeping, etc., or they call the person constantly and at inappropriate times, watch them, check up on them, etc. This may sound sick to you. It is. But it is reversible; the person can develop normal and healthy relationships.

Breaking Off an Engagement; The pains Perhaps one of the most difficult relationships to break off is an engagement. It’s as though when you became engaged you’ve made a public announcement to the world, “I’m going to marry this person. They’re so wonderful. I’m thrilled.” Then, what does it say when you become unengaged? “I made a mistake. They’re not wonderful. Something is drastically wrong. I don’t love him/her. They don’t love me.” Perhaps that is what keeps some people from taking this step. So instead, they end up in a difficult marriage or even a divorce. But as painful as a broken engagement is, it is nowhere as devastating as a divorce can be. Over the years I’ve heard many people say, “I knew during the first year that I’d made a mistake,” or “It was the second week of the honeymoon that I knew I should have listened to those warning signals inside of my head.” Perhaps the most drastic one came from a young man who was divorcing his wife. When asked, “How soon did you know you made a mistake?” he said, “When I saw her walking down the aisle.” How tragic! Unfortunately, many people still believe that an engagement has the same level of commitment that a marriage is supposed to have. It doesn’t. Approximately 40 to 50 percent of engagements in our country break up. Over the past five years, of all the couples that I have seen in premarital counseling, 30 to 35 percent decided not to marry, and some at the last minute. In all but two of the cases, the couple made the decision themselves without my having to recommend this step. A friend of mine shared with me that 80 percent of the couples he works with in premarital counseling make a decision not to marry. Over the years I’ve seen couples who have canceled the wedding just a week or two prior to the wedding. One woman in her 20s realized that she didn’t fully love the quality young man to whom she was engaged. She had hoped that after being married she would fall in love with him. Two weeks prior to the wedding, which would have been a very large and elaborate service and reception, she told her father, “Dad, I have some bad news for you. I’m sorry, because it’s going to cost you a lot of money for nothing, but I just don’t love my fiance. It would be wrong to go through with this wedding.” Her father responded, “Honey, don’t be concerned about the money. I’m more concerned about you and your happiness. Whatever you feel is best, I’ll back you.” And the wedding was canceled. Two years later she met the man who was to become her husband. Her act took courage. It was disappointing and painful to many people, but some of the wisest decisions of life are. You can expect even more pressure from other people when you break an engagement than when you break a longterm relationship. You might wish you could go into seclusion to escape the embarrassment and all of the questions or even genuine offers of concern. But whenever any relationship is broken, whether it be long-term or an engagement, it may be better to take charge of it by making a statement. This will help put yourself and everyone else at ease. One of the best ways I’ve seen this happen is by formulating a letter to give to the significant people in your life (friends and relatives), stating what has happened, how it’s impacted you, and the best way for them to respond to you. People have been doing this for years when they experience a breakup, the death of a close loved one, a divorce, or even having a disabled person in the family. A letter could read like this: Dear __________, Because you are a significant person in my life, I wanted to share with you a recent event in my life that will probably affect me for some time. As you know, __________ and I have been dating exclusively for the past three years. It appeared to us and to many others that we were on our way to marriage, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. I (or we, depending upon the situation) have decided that it would be best after all this time to dissolve our relationship and each of us move on with our lives. There are reasons for this and after much thought, discussion, and prayer, I/we feel this is the best step to take. I’m sorry for the disappointment this may cause you as well as any feelings of awkwardness you experience, since many of you are friends of both __________ and me. For some of you, this will mean a loss of doing things with us as a couple as we have done in the past. So it will take some adjustment on your part, as it will on ours. You may be wondering how to respond to me at this time and what to talk about and what not to say. Actually, you could feel free to respond to me as you have in the past. I can handle references about ________ **and me. It’s not something you have to avoid. For a while, I may avoid going to some of the places that** ________ and I frequented while I adjust to my new status. I probably won’t go into any more detail about this decision, but suffice it to say it is the best for me at this time in my life. Thank you for your support and your prayers. A letter such as this is genuine, and it appears there is not too much trauma associated with the breakup. If it was traumatic, it would be helpful to mention that it was devastating and that you will cry and be upset from time to time. Let them know specifically what you need from them, and share the fact that you may be recovering for several months. Usually other people have a timetable for our recovery that is unrealistic, and their expectations need to be altered. There will still be very close friends and relatives that you will talk with and go into greater detail with. But not everyone needs this, and many people who are curious and/or concerned will be helped by your letter. It also protects you from having to share the situation several times a day. The recounting of it again and again can become exhausting and painful.

Relationships - Givers, Takers, and “Commitmentphobia” Years ago I read a book called The Givers and The Takers. It divided people into one of two camps. Ideally we have the ability to both give and receive. This is healthy. But if your partner is exclusively one or the other, you can count on one thing: Your needs won’t be met. If your partner uses threats of any kind to force you to continue to be involved with himor her such as violence, ruining your reputation, or suicide, you need to become uninvolved as soon as possible. Some individuals have difficulty accepting “no.” (This topic will be discussed in greater depth in a later chapter.) I amamazed at the number of married Christian couples who use the “D” word as a threat to control their partner. Threatening divorce is unhealthy in a marriage. If you have a partner who uses threats to get their way, you might consider showing themthe door! If your partner has a pattern of abusiveness in their background, how can you be sure that you won’t experience this if they’ve never received help or treatment for it? In the last two decades our English language has been inundated with many new labels in an attempt to explain relationships and problems in life. Many books are talking about one label that perhaps answers why some individuals never marry. The villainous label is “commitmentphobia”! It’s even been suggested we have an epidemic of this problem. It’s especially painful for the partner in a relationship who deeply loves the other, but the partner cannot bring himself or herself to make a commitment. Numerous books discuss this problem, and usually the man is the culprit. A few titles are The Dance￾Away Lover, The Go-Away-Come-Closer Disease, The Playboy Syndrome, Flight from Commitment, The Peter Pan Syndrome, and Men Who Can’t Love. A “commitmentphobic” is a person who has a strong, insatiable desire for affirmation fromthe opposite sexalong with a resistance (a strong one at that) to commitment. They don’t want to be alone, but they don’t want to be too close. And just when they get too close, they retreat. Their double message is, “Come closer. Don’t get too close. Come here. Go away.” They’re unhappy alone and unhappy if they’re going to be tied down. How do you detect “commitmentphobics?” If they have a history of short-termrelationships, be aware. Do they cancel dates with you or change arrangements frequently? Do you find yourself being hurt by them? Do you see themsettling down and changing their pattern? If not, be careful. If for some reason you have a strong feeling you’re involved with such a person, get out. Don’t try to discover why he or she is like this or think you can change the individual. You won’t and you can’t. It’s easy to fall into the trap of “I wonder why she canceled again?” or “I wonder why he’s retreating?” You probably will never find out. Move on to someone with potential. Another concern for women is committed bachelors. A newspaper carried an article with the title “Bachelor Fad” in which it stated that more and more men are choosing the single life rather than marriage. Many men do postpone marriage to pursue educational and career goals. The author of the book Bachelors: The Psychology of Never-Married Men found that many men didn’t marry because it was their choice not to. The study revealed that many men shared three types of defenses in relationships: avoidance, isolation, and distortion. The single men appeared reluctant to become involved emotionally, make demands, or share their needs in sexual relationships. Their defensiveness and isolation allowed themto interact with women, but on a superficial level. Emotions were not shared. Overall their tendency was to be standoffish, indifferent. If there were any situations in which they might be hurt, avoidance was used. The surprising feature of this study, according to the author, was that only 5 percent of bachelors over 40 ever marry! I’ve seen some strange combinations in premarital counseling. I’ve talked with couples who were going to be married where one of themdidn’t especially like the partner, but felt that wasn’t necessary if physical needs were met. Another couple admitted they had a physical attraction to one another and financially they had similar goals, but they were not sure that they liked one another’s personalities! Why would people even consider marriage with these liabilities? Yet they do. (Fortunately, the couples I mentioned eventually decided not to marry.)

Why You Shouldn't Match Your Tie And Pocket Square Getting your tie and pocket square right shows people you take pride in what you look like and that you dress properly and with care. This is a symbol of self-respect and to those around you. Getting it wrong will make you look like a novice. Knowing how to match ties with pocket squares is an important skill any aspiring dapper gentleman should have. One question that is often asked is whether your tie and pocket square should match. The short answer to that is NO. Even though it can seem an easy way to organize your outfit, in modern dress, matching your pocket square with tie or bow tie is a definite NO￾NO. The purpose of the pocket square, instead, is to complement the rest of your look: either by harmonizing your other accessories or contrasting with them. While I understand that some shops do sell matching tie and pocket square sets, if you want to be seen on top of your style game, I RECOMMEND you steer clear of these.

How Long could that Pain Last in a breakup? What happens when it's over. “Norm, how long? How long is this pain going to last? How long is it going to take for me to recover? When will the thoughts, the feelings, the memories go away enough that I can go on with my life?” I hear this question frequently, because I work with many people who are experiencing grief in some way over the loss of a relationship. I’m not sure I can give you an exact answer, because the estimates vary. We do know, for example, when you lose a close loved one in what is called a “normal” death, the average length of time for recovery is about 2 years. With an accidental death, it’s 3 years. The authors of Letting Go, a book dealing with recovering from a broken heart, feel (based on interviews with those who suffer from depression, feelings of inadequacy, and loss of self￾esteem) the average time it took for normal functioning to return and the absence of haunting memories was usually half the time the relationship existed. That would mean a 4-year marriage or relationship would take two years to recover from and a 12-year marriage or relationship, 6 years of recovery. I’m not sure that this should be used as a guideline, since every relationship, every person, and every situation varies. It may be accurate if the person didn’t engage in their grief work and move toward recovery. The authors also state that by following the principles suggested, the symptoms mentioned will leave in 3 months. Two other authors have described the state you feel during a breakup as “love shock” which is basically a mixture of numbness, disorientation, emptiness, and a jumble of numerous feelings which churn about. It is similar to a crisis reaction or grieving over any kind of loss. They suggest it takes most people about a year to complete their “love shock” experience, but it’s not unusual for it to take longer. I think a rule of thumb to follow is, the more you have learned to cope with crisis and the more knowledgeable you are about the losses of life and grief, the better you will be able to recover. **What Happens When It’s Over?** When a close relationship ends, a part of you wants to try again with a new relationship. But another part of you says, “Forget it! It isn’t worth the risk!” You are afraid the past will recur and your new relationship will also end in a painful breakup. Or you are afraid you will always feel the loss and pain of your previous breakup and never be able to reach out and love again. This fear is intensified whenever you relive the breakup. Every time you relive the experience in your memory, the emotionalsledgehammer crashes down on you again. I have even heard people say they thought they were going crazy during this phase. The fear of reliving the past paralyzes the normal process of building a new relationship. This fear creates a hesitancy to invest energy, love, and transparency in a new love interest. You ask, “What if this happens again?” Many people who are afraid to move ahead in a new relationship are also afraid to remain behind without anyone to love. But when you jump into a relationship too soon, you contaminate it and avoid dealing with the last one. You feel trapped between the fear of loving again and the fear of never being loved again. It seems to be more intense when you are the rejected person in a divorce. There are additional emotions that feed the fear of loving again. One of themis guilt—the feeling that you have failed yourself, your ideals, your Lord, or the other person, especially if there was sexual involvement and/or living together. Sometimes you feel “I wasted four years of my life!” This guilt may exist whether you were the rejected person or the rejecting person. Unresolved guilt damages self-esteem, and low self-esteemproduces greater fear. If you feel guilty about a broken relationship, it is important to identify whether the feelings are based on reality (such as breaking a commitment or acting irresponsibly toward the other person) or imagination (taking the blame for something that was not really your responsibility). I’ve heard of many painful aftermaths ofbbreakups. One girl’s fiancé broke up with her and married her sister. How do you imagine she felt? Another young woman was dating a 50-year-old man who was crazy about her. One day he introduced her to his 28-year-old son. Five weeks later, she and the son were married. When breakups occur, you long for the relationship you once had. For some, this longing becomes an obsession dominating every waking moment. Nothing has any meaning until that relationship is restored. There are some who become addicted to a person. We call this obsessive love. This is the belief that this one and only one magic person can meet one’s needs. To offset the pain, some people begin binging with one￾night stands or eating like food is going to be rationed in the future. Restoration of the relationship exactly as it was happens very infrequently. The feeling of being out of control is particularly devastating, since there is nothing you can do. You can beg, plead, offer bribes, threaten suicide, and so on, all to no avail. Nothing seems to work, nothing will work, and nothing does work. You feel abandoned, forsaken, betrayed, and all alone.

A letter to parents The disappointment of sleeping with one's fantasy,I will like to show how intimation of morality brought by aging family members connects with my hatred for mirror which began at my tender age. I will like to have a word for the sadness inspired by feelings, or the shame that makes my soul faint when face with friends who beliefs you don't belong to their class,because I was deformed, defamed and intimidated even overly shy which left me apologetic. When I make mistakes like all young people do,( misplacing house keys or leaving too many lights on in the house ) he screams "Useless boy" Now, Do you know how it feels to be called irresponsible he-goat, loser, fool, lazy and good for nothing, in the present of friends??? Well, this has turn me to an object of mockery and ridicule in my neighborhood, and that has made me begin to believe am better dead than exist. This name calling is far more devastating and highly detrimental to my life,it brought worst in me by causing a negative shift in my brain and I feel my birth to this world was a misplaced priority. I can no longer excuse my dad.,for his dereliction of his paternal duties. I wonder what effect his verbal abuse had on my life,other than making me feel, am fatherless. I Mostimes avoid my reflection in the mirror because all I see is a monster with no future ambition staring back at me. I have never had the right words to describe my life,than question my existence every night. #I_HATE_MYSELF " #Note___It's purely fiction. Parents,name calling is like burning down your house,to get rid of a rat. Let's stop negative pronouncements on children, cux words are powerful. THANKS FOR READING

Recovering from a broken relationship: Wait! It’s been three years since the breakup. Wouldn’t you think that by now I could move into a new relationship without being haunted by a ghost? I seem to cripple every new relationship because of what happened in the last one. I know I was hurt, but when does it go away for good!? I think I’m OK, but then I become emotionally involved with someone and the hurt and anger come rushing back. And guess who I dump it on!” It’s tough to recover from a broken relationship. When you’re in love with a person who loves you back, it’s wonderful. But when they don’t, it’s like the end of the world for some people. There are times when you wonder, Will I ever heal? It could be a long-term relationship, an engagement, or a marriage that ended. They’re all filled with pain, especially if you’re the one rejected. And it may never go away completely if you are a parent. You will always be linked through your children to that individual in some way for the rest of your life. When a relationship dissolves, you are facing a death—the death of dreams, hopes, aspirations, as well as what you actually had in the relationship itself. You’re losing a history and a part of your life. Even if you were the person who terminated the relationship because you no longer cared for the person or the relationship, there is still a death, although it may be mingled with relief. In all but a few breakups each person will play a different role. One is the rejector and the other the rejectee. A rejector can suffer just as much as the rejectee. That may sound odd to you, but it’s not so much the role you played, but who has the most emotional investment in the relationship. That person has the most to lose, regardless of the way the relationship comes apart. Do women hurt more in a breakup than men? Not necessarily. They hurt differently, just like they tend to grieve differently. Men and women tend to view relationships differently. For example, men don’t usually define self-esteemby the success or failure of a relationship, whereas women tend to put more emphasis on the quality of relationships. Women may tend to hurt longer and deeper as well as second-guess themselves. They may ask, “Where did I go wrong?” Why is this chapter important to you if you are already seeking another person? You cannot move into a new, healthy, and possibly permanent relationship if you still have emotional energy tied up in the last relationship. You may think you’ve recovered and perhaps you have… and then again, maybe you haven’t. Some individuals haven’t recovered, but aren’t aware of it until they’re in the midst of a new relationship. Then it hits them. And the unexpectedness of it turns their life upside down. They discover they haven’t fully let go.

Living In The Now Sometimes, we abide in our memories (the past) as much as we do in our imaginations(the future). The implication of this is that our reality (the present) suffers. We ignore the beauty that surrounds us while paying attention to "what it used to be like"; or "what it should be like"; or "what it will be like". Inadvertently, time keeps ticking while we anticipate the morrow; and ironically, when the morrow comes, we begin to wish for a reversion of time. It seems the present only makes sense when it becomes our past; and when that happens, we begin to think of 1000 ways we would have done it right. Acknowledging that our tomorrow is determined by our today; and our today is a product of our yesterday; I however, do not think we intend to get to the end of the Journey only to realize that the treasures we sought were embedded in the Present; and while pursuing the Future, we had lost every single bit of it. Thus, here's a cue; 1. LIVE IN THE NOW. 2. Be an epitome of love to those who surround you. 3. Learn to appreciate the serenity of nature. 4. Prioritize joy and inner peace; and embrace forgiveness. 5. Choose neither to hide in the past; not be buried in the future. While the past blesses with memories as well as a template to review; the future is an anticipated occurrence (a clean slate). However, the Present is all we have--make the most of it. Shine brighter!

Factors That Make a Marriage Work 2 Resolving Conflicts Successfully: It is helpful to look at the various studies that have been conducted on marriages that succeed or fail. In the book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, the results show that marriages will last when a couple has the ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship. Too many couples over the years have said a sign of a healthy marriage and marital happiness is having a lower level of conflict. “We never fight” is their motto. But relationships are built and strengthened by facing and reconciling differences. This is what leads to a greater level of happiness and satisfaction in marriage. Everyone differs, however, in the way they resolve differences. The author of the book just mentioned has found there are three different styles of problem-solving that are reflected in healthy marriages. There are validating marriages in which couples compromise frequently. They work out their differences in a calm manner to each individual’s satisfaction whenever a problem surfaces. There are two other styles which used to be considered unhealthy patterns, but that doesn’t seem to be the case reflected in Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. In conflict￾avoiding marriage, couples agree to disagree but rarely confront their problems head-on. They avoid discussions they know will end up in deadlock. They focus on what they appreciate in the relationship, accentuate the positive, and accept the rest of what is unresolved. (Personally, I think there are some drawbacks to this style and the next one as well.) The third style is the volatile marriage in which there are frequent and often intense disputes. Voices are raised and listening is not the best. They seem to enjoy these times, and these couples tend to be more affectionate than others as well. So all three solve their differences in various ways. Is there a common thread in these three varied styles that is the ingredient which brings happiness? Yes, and it’s very simple. When there are five times as many positive as negative moments together, then your marriage is more likely to be fulfilling. What about it? If you’re in a relationship now, what is the positive level compared to the negative? Going into a marriage from a position of strength is far better than with a deficit. My own feeling is if you don’t learn to resolve conflicts before you marry, wait. Why proceed when you haven’t learned how to develop harmony? This is a skill that anyone can learn, but the time to refine it is before the commitment is made. Vulnerability and Intimacy: What else can you do to enhance the prospects of having a successful marriage? Following the guidelines and suggestions in this book in selecting a life partner is a beginning step. Going through extensive premarital counseling with a trained and knowledgeable counselor or minister is a must as well. In healthy marriages there is a high degree of vulnerability and intimacy. Both persons are aware of their feelings and needs. They’re willing to express what these are and how they would like them fulfilled. And they don’t withdraw when conflict emerges. But keep in mind that both of you need to be able to do this. Just one doesn’t carry the marriage. Acceptance: Marriages that make it have two people who can accept imperfections and differences. They have learned how to influence one another in positive ways and bring out the best in each other. They’ve learned what can be changed and what cannot. Personality types and characteristics won’t change; behavioral habits certainly can. What is your capability in this area? Ability to Speak Each Other’s Language: When two people plan to spend their lives together, they have to communicate in such a way that they connect. And since in many ways you marry a foreigner, you had better learn the other person’s language. If there is one key ingredient to the complex process of communication it’s this: Learn to speak your spouse’s language, and the closeness and intimacy you’re seeking can happen. For example, such a simple difference as one of you being an “amplifier” when you talk and the other a “condenser” can drive a wedge between the two of you. An amplifier is someone who uses several detailed, descriptive sentences in explaining something. This person wishes his or her partner would do the same. Unfortunately, they often pressure their condenser partner to open up and use a multitude of sentences. The condenser is a bottom-line sort of person who may give a two￾sentence response, but often one line is sufficient. This person would like his or her partner to do the same. They can tune out quite readily when their spouse amplifies. If each would adapt their natural style to their spouse’s style when they talk, each would respond better. We’ll talk more about this later. In a counseling session one day a man said, “I’d like to find a woman that I could understand and get along with as well as I get along with my male friends, but it’s impossible.” I said, “No, it’s not. It’s very possible if you are willing to become flexible, realize that you and a woman are aliens, that you need to learn about male-female cultural differences, and learn to see them as a learning challenge that can enrich your life rather than view themas a pain in the neck. If you do that, you’ll get along!” There are many factors that contribute to our unique way of communication, including personality, gender, and learning style. When you learn and implement what you have learned, the intimacy in your relationship will develop. Couples where both people are secure in who they are and aren’t looking for their partner to be the solution to their self￾identity or esteem problems are much happier in their relationship. The other person’s calling is not to be a current substitute for what was lacking in your life or for what was missing between you and a parent when you were growing up. Keep in mind that you can’t be happily married to another person unless you’re happily married to yourself. Your partner is not responsible for making you feel good about yourself or for giving you an identity. You receive that from your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Communication Styles, key factor in determining compatibility Underlying this area and the others is the ability to communicate with one another. Your communication is the lifeblood of your relationship. When it’s gone, so is your relationship. You may think that you’re communicating well at this time. You may think you’re connecting with your partner at this time, but are you really? For compatibility to unfold, each of you will essentially need to learn to speak one another’s language. And the emphasis is upon learning to do so. The reason you probably aren’t speaking the same language yet is because of gender differences, personality differences, and learning-style differences. All of these are reflected in your communication patterns. When you marry, it’s as though you marry a foreigner with his or her own culture, set of customs, and language. Because each of you is entering into a foreign culture, think about two kinds of travelers who visit foreign countries—the colonizer and the immigrant. A colonizer wants to visit another country to experience it fromhis own perspective instead of from the inhabitants’ point of view. Upon entering the country, he looks for signs in his own language and seeks out people who speak his language as well. He looks for the familiar and doesn’t really venture into uncharted territory. Nor does he attempt to learn even the basics of the language. He is totally dependent upon the other people fromhis country who can guide him around and interpret for him. When he interacts with local residents, he doesn’t get very far, even though he’s been there for months. They’re puzzled by what he says, and he can’t comprehend themeither. It’s not a happy experience for either. The other type of person is like an immigrant. He is somewhat of an adventurer. He prepares for the trip by orienting himself to this foreign culture. He reads books about the culture, the customs, the history, and the food of this new country and even attempts to learn everyday phrases of the language. In order to be able to converse better, he may even take a class in their language before he leaves. When he arrives at his destination, he is eager to discover all that he can. He searches out historicalsites, tries all the new foods, reads as much as he can in the language of the country, and uses his newly formed verbalskills where possible. He may even enjoy living with a family of that country for a while in order to fully capture the flavor of this new world. As the immigrant attempts to speak this new language, the people respond in a helpful manner. They help himpronounce strange words. Often, if they are at all adept in the traveler’s language, they will begin to speak it to make him more comfortable. Thus, they perfect their own skills as well. They seem delighted that he has made an attempt to learn their language, and they can both laugh at some of his mispronunciations. The immigrant has an enjoyable time, whereas the colonizer ends up being frustrated. This illustration is just like a marriage relationship. Each person has a choice. What does this mean in everyday practice? Take a close look at your personality characteristics and the way in which you communicate. Then do the same for your partner and compare the two. Where each of you is different fromthe other, make an effort to learn how to take those differences and balance themout. Then adapt your communication style to match your spouse’s. Essentially you will be talking the way your partner does, and he/she will reflect back to you your own unique style of talking. Speaking your spouse’s language includes not only vocabulary but also the person’s packaging. What do I mean by packaging? It refers to whether a person is an amplifier (sharing great volumes of descriptive detail) or a condenser (sharing little more than the bottomline). (I mentioned this briefly in the first chapter.) If your partner is an amplifier, go ahead and expand. If he or she is a condenser, keep it brief. Amplifiers give a number of descriptive sentences as they talk, while condensers give one or two sentences. In approximately 70 percent of marriages, the man is the condenser and the woman is the amplifier. Neither is a negative trait, but the amplifier wishes his or her partner would share more, while the condenser wishes his or her partner would share less. It is only when each of you adapts to the style of your partner that compatibility begins to happen. If your partner is an amplifier, give lots of information and detail. Keep it brief for condensers. You can always expand if the condenser wants more. But we also have to take into consideration someone’s seeing, hearing, or feeling preference. This preference reflects how a person learns best and is a must in learning to connect or be in sync with one another. There are other ways in which our communication style varies. These need to be altered so that it’s easier to communicate with each other. Remember that in learning to become more flexible you are not denying who you are or squelching your personality. The flexibility you learn in discovering how to be compatible will assist you in other relationships in your life, including the business world. Some individuals are very literal when they talk. They stick with the topic and answer what they’ve been asked. They don’t speculate or rely on hunches. They tend to move from point 1 to 2 to 3 to 4 and conclude with 5. Sometimes when asked a question that needs a great deal of explaining, they respond in a format similar to a newspaper article. They give you a summation sentence, then some of the details, and finally they expand. Others, though, are not literal when they talk. They go by hunches and love to speculate and consider all the possibilities. They may go off on detours as they explain something. They don’t stick to the subject but instead go around the barn a few times. They may not finish a sentence before switching to another and then another. They tend to move frompoint 1 to 3 to 2 to 4 and then to 5. It makes perfect sense to them. When asking a question or sharing a new thought, they give you the details first and then identify the topic. Now, do these two styles sound familiar? You’re probably one or the other, but not totally. You have both capabilities, but one is your preference or your strength. You can learn to use your non-preference side more than you realize. In doing this you adapt to the other person in your life, who may be the opposite of you. There is another example of how we can become more compatible, and it has to do with the way in which we learn. You may learn best through what you see or what you hear or through your feelings. Do you know what your preference is? Do you know your partner’s? Each of you has a dominant sense through which you prefer to communicate and receive communication. But you need to become aware of these so you can adapt your communication style to your mate. A visual person relates to the world around himin terms of how things look to him. This is how the person learns best and 70 percent of people are visual. When he imagines he visualizes, and when he remembers, he recalls a picture. He experiences life through his eyes. He is primarily a watcher—movies, TV, sporting events, people, art exhibits or museums, scenery. He probably prefersreading, collecting items at which he enjoys looking, taking pictures, and looking at you. He is often concerned with how he looks to others. A visual person talks about how things look rather than how he feels. Often a visual person tends to withdraw and brood when upset rather than talking through the problem. Is this anyone you know? Visual people prefer face-to-face conversations over using the telephone and respond well to written messages. How can you tell if a person is visually oriented? Listen to the words that they use. The auditory man or woman wants to hear about life. This is how this individual learns best and 20 percent of our population falls into the auditory category. This individual relates more to sounds than sights. Reading a book, the auditory person hears words silently rather than seeing pictures. You need to tell this person more than you show himor her. This individual prefers talking about something to looking at it. Long conversations are important to the auditory spouses and they tend to remember what they hear better than others… If you want to share feelings, the auditory person will best understand you if you verbalize how you feel. Auditory people hear equally what is said and not said, and they are astute at picking up tonal changes and voice inflections. Auditory people fall into two different categories. Some feel compelled to fill the silent moments of life with sound: talking, playing the stereo, humming. But others prefer quiet. Why would an auditory person opt for silence? Because many of themare carrying on internal conversations, externalsounds are an interruption. Sometimes a silent auditory person’s intermittent spoken responses may not make sense to you because he fails to relate the ongoing conversation in his head. Romancing an auditory partner must include saying, “I love you” again and again. But how you say it is as important as how often you say it. Discover the words, phrases, and tones that best convey your spoken love and use them often.

Breaking Off A Relationship-HOW? An answer to the big question Now the big question: “How do you break off a relationship?” How do you say “no”? Consider the following suggestions: 1. Decide whether you want to do this in person, over the phone, in a letter or e-mail. And whatever you do, if you are serious about not seeing this person again, don’t be vague or give double messages or leave the door open. So if your decision comes during a first date or you keep running into the person at work, face-to-face may be the best. If it’s longterm, sometimes an e-mail may be easier for you since the person may not immediately respond, has to think about it, and can’t pressure you to change your mind. They will want and need to talk to you at some time, however. Whatever you do, don’t let themhear it fromsomeone else. 2. Be gracious and polite. You could share something positive at the same time you let them know you would prefer not going out with them again. Statements like, “Thank you, but I would rather not,” work well. However, if you add the phrase “right now” or “at this time,” they will think your resistance is just temporary and you’ll be back. Don’t say, “I’ll get back to you” or “Call me later” if you want this fledgling or longterm relationship to be over. Make it genuine. You may just want to say, “Thank you for the time you’ve invested, but I’mnot interested in pursuing the relationship any further.” You don’t have to give a list of your reasons if they pressure you to know why you don’t want to continue. Just use the broken-record technique and continue to repeat your statement word for word as you initially stated it. Especially in initial dates or short-termrelationships, you are not obligated to give your reasons. All it does is give the other person control or power over you, and now they can begin to attack your reasons. If it’s been a longtermrelationship, sharing the reasons may be helpful for personal growth. Be sure to say that your reasons are how you feel and it’s fromyour perspective. Don’t expect the other person to agree with you. They may become defensive and try to talk you out of your perspective as well as your decision. You may need to add that you do not want to argue the case or defend it, and you have already made your decision. Sometimes it helps to acknowledge their feelings and say that you could well understand they could be surprised, hurt, or angry. But keep in mind that no matter how they respond, they are responsible for it. Don’t take the responsibility on yourself and carry a load of blame or try to make themfeel better. If there are any items for you to return, it’s best to do so at this time. If things need to be moved, do this as soon as possible. If your partner has been untrustworthy to you, such as lying about who they are, their work or financialstatus, their Christian beliefs, or if they sexually harassed you, took and used money, or were unfaithful to you, they need to be confronted. I’ve seen too many situations in which the person was let off the hook with no confrontation. They were never exposed for what they were. They need to experience the natural consequences and discomfort of their sinful behavior, so either they experience conviction and come to genuine repentance or so others don’t fall prey to their pattern of destructive behaviors. I’ve seen cases in singles’ fellowship groups in churches, because of a pattern of non-Christian behaviors such as misappropriation of the partners or resources, continual sexual misbehavior, or date rape that the offender has been asked to leave the group. And it doesn’t take long for the word to spread as to the reasons. I’ve seen some cases where because of the volatile and unpredictable behavior on the part of the person on the receiving end of the breakup, a pastor or a couple of close friends were asked to be present when the person shared that the relationship was over. This was done for safety reasons. Unfortunately, there are those who don’t take “no” for an answer. They may have an obsession with you, be addicted to having a relationship, or are just so hurt and angry they may want to make life miserable for you. In any case, your safety, welfare, peace of mind, and future are at stake. If you need to be very emphatic and assertive, plan in advance what you think you will need to say and practice making these statements out loud if you know this will be difficult for you. You cannot be subtle or appear uncertain, especially if the other person doesn’t want to hear what you’re saying or is resistant to the whole idea. Don’t let the other person back you into a corner or get you in a defensive position. You could use statements like the following: “I understand this is upsetting, but our times together are over. This is not something I want to discuss, since it’s not negotiable.” If they persist in calling at home or work—“I’m going to hang up now. It won’t help either of us to continue to talk, and if you call again I will hang up.” “Please don’t contact me in any way. It’s just better that we go our separate ways.” “What you’re doing feels like harassment, and if you continue I will obtain a restraining order so we can both go on with our lives.” Sometimes the reluctant partner believes they know your thoughts and feelings better than you, so whatever you say may not register. The more information you give, the more you build their hope that you are not serious. Remember that! It’s true. The more you explain, the more you encourage themto persist. Sometimes people have said, “It seems cruel to have to be this way or to break up like this.” That’s not true. This is fair and loving. What is cruel is hanging on and prolonging a “going nowhere” relationship when you know it’s over. You may need to take some further steps to get the message through. This may include such drastic steps as screening all phone calls, blocking e-mails, changing your phone listing to an unlisted number, telling mutual friends to alert you if your former partner is coming to an activity, or suggesting that you not be asked to an event if the other person is coming.

Parenting today, not what it used to be I should just drop this one here, its been in my heart for a while. I know somewhere in our hearts and lives, we're looking forward to getting married, and some of us are already married; making the decision of leaving and cleaving for the rest of lives. We are also planning on meeting the prince charming we deserve and having an awesome marriage and building strong families. I know some of us are directly or indirectly preparing for this decision we will be making, we are reading a lot of relationship books, love, sex, making a marriage work, finding him/her etc. Please in addition to your preparation and reading, read about how to be a parent, I think somehow, this one is forgotten. We think of being prayerful and lovey-dovey wives we forget about learning about parenting. Parenting is a course work of its own, in fact if we agree marriage is an institution, parenting is a course we will all have to take and this is where a lot of people miss and fail it. As God is trusting us with the destinies of people to nurture and care for them, we shouldn't fail him, we should expand our knowledge on good parenting skills and trust Him with our children and their hearts. How to raise teenage boys and girls, how to understand these sets of people and how to let God's love flow from us to them, and how to raise them generally is something we need to trust God for and be intentional about. Due to the dynamic nature of our society; technological advancement and all of those, parenting has gone past the stage of just caring for your child. It is a lot more demanding than it used to be. One has to be fully prepared and well equipped in order to make the journey. You also have to expect the good, the bad and even the ugly. Not all kids are the same. Some might not stress you while some may be a pin in the ass. I don't know why this has become a passion for me but I think it's something we all have to learn, maybe not for you but the next teenager or child you meet. It's my honest prayers that will build families that will bring forth the next generation of people that will impact lives in the society.

Considerations for a Longterm Relationship If you are looking for a long-term relationship that will be fulfilling to both of you, there is no time limit on how much time to take to get to know this other person in all kinds of settings and under all sorts of circumstances. Work with them for two or three days straight on a mission project of your church or doing the cooking and cleaning up on a weekend for junior high students. Be with them on extended occasions with their family or close friends. If possible, spend a day with them at work, paint a room together, shop with them for several hours (groan!), etc. How much time should you give to move fromshort-termto longterm? Let’s say three months to a year. You can’t rush this process, nor can you bypass it. I see and hear about couples all the time who execute a courtship bypass, but in most cases the surgery isn’t successful and eventually the patient (the marriage) dies. Recently I heard about a couple who met and in seven weeks were engaged. Both said that it just “feels right.” They haven’t had time for any difference or crisis yet. Another couple in their 20s became engaged three months after meeting because of her dream of getting married, their physical relationship, and the extra money he would make by being married while in the army. There has to be time for the infatuation, physical attraction, chemistry, or whatever you want to call it to subside so you can deal with the real issues of life and allow love to develop. Whatever the initial chemistry was will hopefully continue and balance out, but much more needs to be added. If the relationship experienced intense passion because of sex and the romantic high begins to wane, couples who feel that the romantic high is essential usually do not stay together. The odds against eternal passionate love are insurmountable. When you understand this and choose to be satisfied with the quieter feelings of satisfaction and contentment, a relationship has more of a chance. Time lets this happen. Even secular sociologists and demographers have identified predictors of what contributes to a happy marriage and indicators of a marriage that lasts. Two of them are that you married after the age of 20 and you dated for a long time before getting married. How have you been praying about this future step? Bringing a relationship before God and asking Him for clarity, insight, and wisdom is a significant step. Looking at the relationship in light of Scripture is another way to discover God’s will. With every relationship, focus on Proverbs 3:5-6: “Lean on, trust and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind, and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths” (AMP). Then ask yourself, Will this relationship lead me (or us) to a stronger and fuller expression of reflecting the Word of God in my life or less? The answer to this may be all you need. Before pursuing a long-term relationship, list the indications that this has been satisfying enough for you to pursue. Seeing it in writing brings greater clarity. When I work with premarital couples, they think this issue through very carefully and thoroughly and bring to their initial session a list of ten indicators as to why this is the time of their life to marry. I’d like to see this happen at the transition from a short-to longterm relationship and once again when a couple begins to entertain serious thoughts about marriage.Here are some indications or reasons that others have shared with me for your consideration. A man in his 40s shared the following: After my divorce (actually even before) I began a biblically oriented study into the reasons for the failure of my marriage. I believe that process has paid off quite well in terms of my building a genuine Christian (i.e., godly) lifestyle and learning the basic commitment and maturity required for a Christian marriage. I’ve also dated rather extensively in the last five years and have gotten to know many women from all walks of life. In the process, I began to formulate a list of required and desirable characteristics I would need in a significant woman in my life, based upon 1) biblical mandates and principles and 2) my personal preferences, desires, needs, hopes, etc. For the first time in my life, I have an established criteria or value system by which to evaluate a potential partner. This man did find his partner. His personal growth and careful planning paid off. A woman in her 30s shared the following: The time is right because for the first time the person is right. There were others with many fine qualities, too, but along with these Tony is the right person. One thing that is so comforting is that when he has an “off” day and is disagreeable, grumpy, or is out of sorts, I still love him. That in itself is reassuring. What about it? Are you emotionally and spiritually where you want to be and ready for what it takes in a long-term and hopefully permanent relationship? Have you dealt with all of your concerns? Have you completed the evaluative steps that are necessary? This may be your time to move forward. When you’re thinking that marriage is in the future, take the next step and begin premarital or pre-engagement counseling. The opportunity to spend six to ten hours with a minister or counselor can assist you in identifying issues which you may have missed, will help you eliminate future surprises, and will assist you in developing skills that you will need in marriage.

Complementary and Contradictory Characteristics between spouse.. Within the framework of like marrying like, however, some characteristics appear to be quite opposite in each spouse. Since the fulfillment of needs is at the heart of such mate selection, one will find that some needs in couples are complementary whereas some are contradictory. It is in the area of complementary characteristics and needs that the concept “opposites attract” is seen to be somewhat accurate. The most important complementary needs involve dominance and submissiveness. If a person has a need to dominate, he will tend to marry and be gratified by a person who needs to be submissive. If a man marries a woman who has the need to be dominant and he is submissive, there may be some conflict if the social expectations of society call for the male to be dominant and the female to be submissive. In spite of social pressures, many couples may choose to go against the expectation. If one has a need to nurture others, such as giving sympathy, love, protection, and indulgence, he would be happy with a partner who has the need to be nurtured. (Most people, fortunately, are capable of both. That’s healthier.) A person who needs to admire and praise others would enjoy being married to a person who needs to receive respect and admiration. If the needs of one spouse change years later, the relationship could be disrupted. Complementary needs help determine how two people treat each other. It is important to keep in mind the distinction between complement and contradiction. Unfortunately, some couples label any difference between themselves as complementary. Complementary needs fit so well together that no compromise is required. However, contradictory needs require a compromise on some middle ground, but not usually on a happy medium. For example, if one is extremely thrifty and the other is a big spender, the needs will clash head-on. If one enjoys social contacts and the other is a recluse, conflict is almost inevitable. In our American culture, people choose a partner whomthey expect to be gratifying to them. It is interesting to note that both engaged and married couples see things in each other that cannot be found through testing. What an individualsees in another person is what pleases him. “What would ever attract himto that girl?” we ask, because we cannot see in her the things he sees. A couple’s choice of each other is based upon a set of relationships pleasing to themselves, which they attribute to one another. Have you ever experienced this in your relationships? As people date and are attracted to one another, basic needs are met. Much of a couple’s relationship is based upon the meeting of those needs. This means that there are literally thousands of people of the opposite sexwho could fulfill those needs if the person has appropriate status qualities. Being held in esteemin someone else’s eye confirms our worth in our own eyes. The need to fall in love and to have someone else fall in love with us does not require a particular person. The first step is having those basic needs met. Then the details of “personality meshing” can be filled in imaginatively. This personality meshing probably determines the future of the relationship established by a couple. Couples who marry for healthy reasons and those who marry for unhealthy reasons have basically the same motivating forces propelling themtoward marriage, but their intensity varies. Most individuals are attracted to one another by dependency needs. We all have these needs, no matter how healthy we are. Healthy dependency needs reflect a desire to experience completion. With unhealthy dependency needs, there is a desire for completion and for possession. Self-esteem and its potential for enhancement propel people toward marriage. Everyone wants to receive affirmation of worth and value fromanother person. Some have the excessive need for their spouses to make themfeel worthy, good, attractive, wanted, desired, and so on. Gradually the excessive need can exact a strain upon the relationship. The normal desire for affirmation, however, is also a strong attracting and maintaining force of marriage. The desire of increased self-esteemand dependency needs both build commitment, which has been called the glue of marriage. That glue is in the process of setting when a couple arrives for premarital instruction. Two therapists who have specialized in premarital preparation pass along this insight: Our assumption that marriage is neither accidental nor dichotomous has been influenced by our clinical practice with the hundreds of couples we have seen both in marital counseling and in premarital counseling. In thinking about these couples and the manner in which they chose each other, we have discovered that the couples were apparently performing a task and involved in a process. It has struck us that many couples were involved in the task of finding some way to initiate growth. The growth could be in many areas. Perhaps it was in becoming more outgoing, more self-confident, more intimate, or some other dimension of their personality that they felt needed expansion. The mate they chose, therefore, from the millions of individuals available was exactly the person who could provide themwith the kind of growth they needed. Some women, for example, seek out a particular man who can teach themto be tough, just as some men seek out a woman who can teach themto be soft. It almost seems to us that couples in some way find each other and choose each other on the basis of their potential to induce change. It is as if couples are in a strange way performing the task of therapy. Perhaps we could say that marriage is an amateur attempt at psychotherapy. All of this is a way of saying that we believe that marriage is purposeful and that couples choose each other on the basis of the ability of the other person to help theminitiate growth. We think that couples are involved in a task of healing. It is as if many individuals at the point of dating and moving to marriage find themselves to be incomplete in some way. Their search for a mate is not haphazard, but rather based on some kind of deeply intuitive homing device that relentlessly and purposely pursues exactly the kind of person who will provide themwith the stimulation for the growth they are seeking.

Talking Relationship- Fears of intimacy Fear of Intimacy Another fear which keeps us frommoving into marriage is the closeness that intimacy brings, especially emotional closeness. This is ironic because intimacy eliminates the pain of loneliness. As one man said, “I want it, but the time payments are too high.” As I’ve counseled singles over the years, I’ve discovered that one of the reasons for avoiding emotional closeness is low self-esteem. If you constantly criticize yourself, you will probably fear that other people will follow your example and criticize you too. As one woman said, “When a man starts getting close, I run. I just know he’s going to become critical of me. I’menough of a critic of myself. I don’t need his criticism.” And the fear of seeing her own criticismcome through another person keeps her blocked. If you want to be vulnerable to another person and experience love and closeness, you have to accept and love yourself. And it’s possible because of who God is and how He sees us. It is rare to find a man who doesn’t have some struggles with intimacy. Men love the benefits of intimacy, but often they are not committed to the work intimacy entails. Though few of themwill admit it, most men fear intimacy, and this fear is reflected in the way they interact with their wives, families, and friends. Why do men avoid intimacy? Listen to a few of their responses, which reflect rationalizations rather than actual reasons: “That’s just the way men are. We aren’t intimate the way women are. They may not like it, but that’s just the way it is for us men.” “We don’t know any differently. It’s good enough for us.” “If you open up and share your feelings, others will take advantage of you. It’s just not safe. It comes back to haunt you.” “You can’t be macho and vulnerable at the same time. It just doesn’t work, and I wouldn’t know how to learn anyway.” “Very honestly, I just don’t know how to be emotionally intimate. I don’t have the words, the vocabulary to describe what women want to hear. And when I try I sound like a jerk. I want to be a success, not a failure. So I won’t try.” “The main reason I can’t be intimate is that when I try, my wife is the judge of whether or not I’ve shared a true feeling. I really do try to open up and get as close as she asks. But there’s got to be a list of rules about feelings and closeness somewhere that only women know. From her perspective, I never get it right. So why try?” “I don’t know whether or not I’mcomfortable telling her everything. If I did something to make her mad, she’d use it against me. She’s shared some things with her friends that I thought were only between the two of us. That hurt. I don’t think women use good judgment when private discussions are concerned.” A major concern for men about intimacy with women is trust. Some men have had bad experiences after opening themselves up to the women in their lives. Who can they trust? Many men believe women perceive information differently, and they share in public what men see as only personal. Another concern for men has its roots in the issue of control. When a man shares his personal thoughts and feelings in order to draw close to someone, he is potentially giving that person influence over him. That individual can use the information shared either for his welfare or against his welfare. It’s risky. Women struggle with the fear of intimacy as well. There are several reasons why a woman might fear an intimate relationship. One we’ve already talked about—the pain of rejection. This issue seems to be at the core of so many fears. Irene was a young divorcée who was attempting to make the adjustment back into single life. She complained to me one day: I poured myself into that relationship for four years. I held nothing back, thinking my openness would make it work. It didn’t. I felt abandoned when he walked out of my life. I gave and he took. Then I got left behind. Why care that much? Why get that close? The closer you get, the more it hurts when they leave you. I was very close to my dad, and when he died at age 43 it was like part of me was dead too. And that happened just a year before Jimsaid “so long.” If you love themtoo much, they will kill you emotionally when they leave. Never again. Yes, it does hurt when intimate relationships fall apart. But when there is no intimacy and closeness in a relationship, there is an even greater chance of a relationship dissolving! When you insulate yourself against other people, you tend to bring about that which you fear the most—abandonment. The courage to run the risk of intimacy can bring tremendous fulfillment in life for both men and women. Often we can predict in premarital counseling the potential for the lack of intimacy developing in a relationship. It’s the key factor in the bonding process, and when you have an ingredient missing, bonding won’t happen. Women also struggle with the fear of losing their identity in an intimate relationship with a man. Even though women tend to encourage and be more comfortable with intimacy than men, some women fear losing their sense of independence and autonomy if they get too close to their men. I’ve seen this fear happen all too much. We all need our own space, our privacy, and our separateness. That’s normal. But some women are afraid a man’s demands for closeness and sharing may become too energy-draining for them. They fear their men may begin to invade their lives too much. And in some cases, if a man is vulnerable and discloses his deepest feelings, both positive and negative, she fears he might be weak and unable to give her the care she desires.

Fear of rejection in relationship 2: A dangerous weapon The more we make rejecting, negative statements about ourselves, the more we see other people doing the same. Could that be the case now? Sometimes this tendency causes us to respond to others in such a way that they may reject us. We set ourselves up. If rejection occurs, there are some things you can do. Keep in mind that when someone does respond to you in a rejecting manner, it may be that he or she is having a bad day. Or perhaps that person has misinterpreted your response. Or they could be a highly critical, hurting person. It may be somebody else’s problem. It could also be that no one is at fault; the incident that made you feel rejected just happened for some unexplained reason. Being rejected doesn’t necessarily mean you have done or said something wrong. It doesn’t mean you’re defective. If you make a mistake that could cause rejection, don’t anticipate being rejected ahead of time. Balance your feelings by focusing on the numerous times you were successful. See your small mistake in the context of the positive side of your life. Putting this in writing will have a greater impact upon you than just thinking about it. Criticism and rejection from a special person can upset you only to the extent that you believe the response of the other person. You can let it linger and destroy you, or you can move ahead. Yes, rejection hurts, and it’s uncomfortable. But avoid the hippopotamus response—don’t wallow in your feelings of rejection. Refuse to believe that one rejection will lead to others or that your world is falling apart. Instead, take charge of the situation when it occurs, and turn the negative into a positive by responding to it with courage. If the criticism has validity, consider that as well. When you are rejected, keep in mind that the other person has neither the right nor the ability to judge your value and worth as a person. Don’t allow the negative responses to determine your value. People are not experts on your worth; God is. I like what Dr. David Burns says about approval and disapproval: It’s a fact that approval feels good. There’s nothing wrong with that; it’s natural and healthy. It is also a fact that disapproval and rejection usually taste bitter and unpleasant. This is human and understandable. But you are swimming in deep, turbulent waters if you continue to believe that approval and disapproval are the proper and ultimate yardsticks with which to measure your worth. When you live with the fear of rejection, you live with assumptions based on emotions. Your emotions tell you what to believe about events and relationships. They tell you that you will be rejected and that you are rejected. Counter these feelings with actual facts. Unless you behave in a way that causes you to be rejected, most of the time you won’t be rejected. But when you are rejected, don’t assume that you’re at fault. I have felt rejection. I have felt the rejection of someone not liking my speaking, my writing, or my counseling. I have had my ideas rejected, and I have been personally rejected by other people. I experienced rejections during my dating years. I don’t like it. In fact, it’s so uncomfortable to feel rejected, I’ve often wondered why anyone would want to live with the fear of rejection.

Fear of rejection in relationship 1 The fear of rejection keeps us in a protective, cautious state. It hurts, but sometimes we let it hurt too much. Kay was a very sensitive person who had experienced rejection in her childhood home and in some of her relationships with men. As we talked together, she shared the extent of her feelings: I don’t like the way I am. I know I’m overly sensitive. When I made the appointment with you, I even wondered if you would accept me as a client. Then when I arrived this morning and you were three minutes late for my appointment, those old feelings of rejection began to climb to the surface. It wasn’t you but my own sensitivity. I feel that way whenever someone changes plans with me or disagrees with what I think or want. Anytime someone doesn’t go along with what I want, I begin to feel rejected. And then I get angry inside. When I am dating a man and I care for him, I’m even more sensitive to any sign of rejection. But when I feel rejected, I come on too strong and demand love and acceptance in some way. And that chases him right out the door! When that happens, I feel terrible. And I know I caused the rejection. But I don’t know what to do! That’s not the only way I respond to my fear of rejection. Sometimes I feel real inhibited with a man, so I withdraw. I’m afraid of exposing my true self and being rejected. But my withdrawal also brings on rejection because he sees me as a real dud. I can’t let him know that I care for him and crave his attention and acceptance. So I don’t get it. And once again, I get mad! It’s almost like I’m caught in a vicious cycle. But I don’t know how to get out of it! Kay was right. It easily becomes a vicious cycle, and it’s very common. If you live with the fear of rejection, you expect it. It elevates your need for acceptance by other people. But then you tend to behave in a way that hinders others from accepting you. I see it happening in one of two ways. Either people are so closed, restrained, or timid that you would have to use a battering ram to get through. Or they become so demanding and controlling that they drive that special person right out of their life. With either choice, rejection will be the outcome, and their fear becomes self-fulfilling prophecy. If you experience rejection, you feel hurt. Often that turns into anger. But if you express your anger, what happens? Rejection. So the anger is stuffed, which feeds the fear, and soon the pattern is repeated. This keeps a relationship from going anywhere. Some of us are especially sensitive to any hint of rejection. And because of this tendency, rejection is seen in statements and actions when it isn’t even there. We live with the ghosts of rejection. Every rejection we’ve experienced in the past causes us to be overly sensitive to what’s happening in the present. The pain of previous rejections stays with us and contaminates current relationships. Unfortunately, some people were treated as unacceptable, unwanted burdens when they were young. Feelings of rejection in childhood can result from the presence of derogatory statements or the absence of physical or verbal affirmation. When a person is rejected as a child, he is more sensitive to hurt as an adult. But let’s face it. You will experience rejection as you look for a life partner. Even in a lasting relationship you will experience rejections from time to time. And the more we are addicted to approval, the greater our fear of rejection. But rejection is not the end of the world, even with its accompanying pain. Too often when the rejection comes the negative-thinking bent of our mind kicks into play and we begin to say, “There must be something wrong with me. I’m not ‘this or that’ or I must be too…” and we become our best (or worst) critic. Keep this thought in mind. When you are rejected, is the person who is doing the rejecting making a statement about you or making more of a statement about himself or herself? Is it really a problem within you or is it his or her problem? What would happen if you would begin to assume this in place of the negative perspective about yourself? Rejection may be unpleasant, but it doesn’t have to destroy your self-esteem and self-confidence. You will survive. If you live with the fear of rejection, you may be operating with a selective memory that needs to be channeled in a new direction. Perhaps you overemphasize the times you’ve experienced rejection, rather than focusing on all the times of acceptance. Could it be that you reject yourself in some ways? To be continued....

Let's Talk Relationship- Fears people Develop Remember when you saw someone of the opposite sex you thought was super? Was it junior high? Maybe it was high school or college. Every time you saw himor her your heart started racing and your stomach went “twang.” You wanted to meet this person. You wanted a date. But how? You began to plan. You asked your friends about this great person. You found out their class schedule and the route they took to get there, and you just happened to start walking that way. Or you found out where they worked, and you went in and ordered a Big Mac and fries three times a day to see them. But how could you possibly get up the nerve to ask for a date or let it be known that you were available? Never! When it came to that, you froze. Your thoughts wouldn’t work with your mouth. You were frozen with fear. What if they said no? What if they laughed at you?What if they told everyone else and they all laughed at you? What if…what if…the turmoil of an adolescent. You were so glad when it was over. But you just thought it was over. People in their 20s, 30s, and upward experience the same kind of turmoil. It’s called fear. Many single people live in a self-imposed prison of fear. I have seen numerous people who have found the “right” person, but are immobilized fromtaking that important step of marriage because of fear. Some have allowed fear to become the dictator of their life. We all have a sense of fear when pursuing a new relationship. Why? Because there are risks involved. You may have a fear of being alone the rest of your life, but as you move toward a lasting relationship you bump into other fears. These can include the fear of closeness, fear of dependence, fear of losing independence, fear of rejection, fear of commitment, fear of failure, fear of making a mistake. One woman said, “I guess I’m afraid that if I marry I’ll discover some things about myself that I never knew before and won’t like!” The unspoken concern of many singles was written years ago by John Powell: “I’mafraid to tell you who I am because you might not like who I am and that’s all I’ve got.” Perhaps the common denominator in the various fears is the fear of pain. We become very skillful in developing excuses. Many of us learn to put on some formof a mask to keep that last vestige of distance in place. Some people use denial; others use work. Some become clowns, and others use their intellect. What fear about relationships lives within you at the present time? Is it a normal level of fear or is it dominating your life? We weren’t created to be driven by fear but rather to be drawn ahead in life by hope. How would you complete this statement: “What I fear most in a relationship is…”? Fear of Commitment Let’s consider one fear that is at the core of a long-term marriage—commitment. This fear appears to be the opposite of one most of us experience—the fear of rejection. Some individuals are afraid they may be too successful. They see commitment carrying with it the loss of freedom, too many responsibilities. As one man voiced it, “What if I see someone better who comes along after I’mmarried? Then I’mstuck!” or “What if the person I marry isn’t what I thought she would be? Then what? I don’t want to make a mistake.” Blaine Smith suggests four levels at which the fear of commitment commonly occurs. Perhaps you’ve witnessed or experienced this in some way. Some people make such a dramatic, hasty exit froma growing relationship it’s like a prison break. The pressure of the thought of confinement pushes theminto a panicky act which shows little or no regard for the feelings of the other person. Many people manifest their fear through an on-again, off￾again type of relationship. When the commitment is off, they feel comfortable with the relationship again. But as it moves toward commitment, the doubts once again begin to dominate their mind and soon they retreat. Some people feel a sense of continuing ambivalence because their fear of commitment matches their level of desire for marriage. The relationship is serious, but the discussion about marriage usually falls in the realmof a “possibility.” A decision is always just out of reach. The word eventually keeps the couple involved, but if the relationship goes beyond a certain level, the person becomes frozen by fear. What is unfortunate is that this kind of a relationship can go on for years. The last level is normal apprehension. In this situation, the desire for marriage overrides the fear of commitment. This fear can help you take a hard and clear look at the relationship and take what may be positive growth steps. 1. When it comes down to making a relationship permanent through commitment, the subtle “what if” germ begins to invade our minds. “What if I’m attracted to someone else after I’m married?” “What if this isn’t God’s will for my life?” “What if I commit myself and the relationship fails?” “What if I commit myself and I get hurt?” Endless “what if” questions keep many couples from the commitment and intimacy that help make a marriage strong. Tim Timmons and Charlie Hedges talk about three of the major fears of commitment. First, there is the fear of giving love without receiving love in return. We all want to receive love in the same measure we give it. And in a marriage, giving without receiving is very painful. Second, the fear of being used and taken advantage of is an inhibitor to commitment, especially after one partner gives personal information about himself. Third, one of the most paralyzing fears preventing commitment is desertion. Desertion is the ultimate form of rejection. Anyone who has been jilted in the past always has the fear of desertion lurking in the back of his mind, blocking future commitments. 2. Have you found yourself described yet? If you are experiencing the fear of commitment, make a list of all those items you feel you will be giving up or losing when you marry. Evaluate them. Will you really be giving themup completely? Spend time grieving over what you will lose. Say good-bye to them, and then say hello to all those things you will be gaining. To be continued...

If it's not yet your time, be patient A man was sent to the annual national convention of his professional body by his company. The convention was a congregation of about 10,000 people. During one of the days at the covention, it was time for lunch and people were being served. *This man saw that, they were serving people beside him left & right but they were not serving him and the people on his row.* *He shouted at the ladies serving and they told him to keep calm that there is enough food for everyone & that it will soon get to his turn.* *He watched angrily as they passed the tray containing plates of soup and amala before him again twice without serving him.* When he saw another lady carrying the tray, he stood up angrily & drag the tray of ewedu soup to take his food by force. Suddenly; the whole tray containing about 6 plate of soup landed on his head as he dragged the tray from the lady's hands. His white cloth was stained, soiled and spoilt. Pepper got into his eyes and he was shouting,' my eyes ooo, somebody help me, my eyes oo, pepper in my eyes oo, '. Suddenly, he was call to the high table because his company had penciled him down as their resource person for the conversation, following the fact that their much awaited person didn't turn up. People around him had to drag him out as he could not open his eyes because of the pepper that was still in his eyes. It was a complete show of shame & a reward of impatience. Dear reader, many of us are like this man, we feel others are already 'eating' success, breakthroughs, fame, popularity, academic excellence, accomplishments and we are yet to be served our own 'food' and we are being tempted to 'drag the tray' and take our own food by force. Friends, I know waiting period is not an easy period. Atimes we feel our friends have left us behind. Many that we started as single ladies together are now married with children& here we are; still single and no ray of proposal talk less of marriage. Some of us, many of our friends that we got married the same year are through with child bearing and here we are, no miscarriage once talk less of giving birth, and we feel like 'dragging the tray'.* At times, many of us feel that many of our friends that we started work together have left us behind as we see their career blossoming, we feel the only way we can also see our careers validated is to 'drag the tray'. Friends, be encouraged! The one serving this 'food' of marriage, success, promotion, career breakthrough is not a man. HE is GOD your Maker! HE has your own plate of 'food' in HIS tray. At the appointed time, HE will serve you & when you will be eating your own food, those who have eaten before you will watch your mouth as you 'eat' with pleasure. Don't 'drag the tray'. Don't take short cut. If you get the 'miracle' by 'dragging the tray' you will end up in ridicule as you will later be dragged out in shame as the 'pepper' in your eyes will make the end of your 'miracle' a show of shame. If you are waiting on man, hmmm it's well with You. But if you are waiting on GOD, your waiting period is not a wasted period! As We continue this Year, Please Wait on GOD. Your 'food' is closer to you than you think. *THIS YEAR IS FILLED WITH YOUR THANKSGIVING, TESTIMONIES, GRATITUDE, CONGRATULATIONS AND PRAISES TO THE ALMIGHTY GOD, 'CAUSE 2020 IS LOADED WITH THOSE PACKAGES FOR YOU AND YOUR ENTIRE HOUSEHOLD* *Therefore:* Don't Drag The Tray!

Four Relationship Possibilities Your relationships are probably going to be one of four possibilities: the right person at the wrong time; the wrong person at the right time; the wrong person at the wrong time; or finally (and hopefully), the right person at the right time. The right person but the wrong time leaves you thinking, “If only I could have met themat another time.” Perhaps you met such a person when you were too young, too broke, or too afraid. You end up with a lot of “what ifs,” and this illusive person stays at the forefront of your mind for months. The wrong person at the right time can lead to some disastrous results. This can be very painful for you if you have high romantic hopes and they have none. You may try even harder at this time to make a relationship work. Sometimes you begin wondering what is wrong with you! The real problem occurs because the desire to settle down and get married is so strong that you tend to be less objective in your evaluation of the other person. The desire to be married takes precedence over properly evaluating the person. The statement “I just want to be married” is said with such intensity and force that it’s apparent the screening apparatus has been put in neutral. I’ve heard many women say, “I’mnot getting any younger. The window of opportunity for having children is slowly closing, and I need to get married in the next two years and have a baby right away if I don’t want to miss out. I need a marriage-prone man right away.” This need can become so intense that you may decide to fall in love with the next romantic interest that comes along. Several men and women that I saw when they were in the midst of a divorce made virtually the same statement: “Whatever possessed me to marry that person? He/she wasn’t really the person I was looking for. My head must have been in the clouds. I guess I just wanted to be married so bad I took the first available one.” For many singles, their life seems to be a continuous pattern of the wrong person at the wrong time. It’s especially difficult when there’s a strong attraction to the person, but you know that’s not the person for you. Fortunately, most of these relationships are short-lived unless one person hangs on because “any relationship is better than none.” Sometimes, though, I’ve seen relationships last for years where one or both persons keep trying to make it fit together or feel, “Perhaps someday I will really love him.” Sometimes relationships develop into lasting platonic friendships which at least fill that need for the couple. Naturally, you want the right person at the right time. And this is possible

If it doesn't come now, just keep hope alive Romans 8:25 But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it. Hope is an attitude of patiently expecting and waiting for something promised but which has not physically manifested. It's a primary virtue that determines staying alive and how we live here on earth. A person with hope speaks, acts or love differently from one who have no hope. Today, the Holy Spirit extrapolates critically the need to gather every ingredients together and make our hope tangible and effective. The ability to wait and be patient while waiting is paramount to our lives. Thus, if we hope for it, we must apply patience because it shall come to pass. The pertinent question is, do you still have hope concerning the miracles, the desires of your heart or the promises of God upon your life? In the midst of it all, do you still hold on to the hope that " after the trials you shall come forth as gold?" It's a critical moment when all hope is lost because a lost of hope equals lost of battle and it's too dangerous to experience. Our hope for transformation at the coming of Christ will determine our attitudes or lifestyles on earth. Don't be like the five foolish virgins that missed it because of carelessness. Don't allow the duration of the waiting deprive you of your miracles. He that promised is faithful to do exceeding abundantly above every imaginations. Hope on Christ and patiently wait on Him. Let's pray together. Heavenly Father, thank you for your promises of victory, prosperity and eternity with you. We patiently wait on you Lord, please strengthen us to be faithful till the end, in Jesus name. Amen.

Tips to make learning permanent 2 I promised to continue from where I stopped on the tips to make our learning permanent. So here we go again; 6. Write about what you've learned. This sounds like the previous tip, right? It's based on the similar principle: once you reword the information, it has a better chance of staying in your memory. 6. Study in short, frequent sessions. It has been proven that short bursts of concentration repeated frequently are much more effective than one long session. So, even if you only have ten minutes, DO IT. Take a break. Then study another 10 minutes. This "distributed learning" approach is highly efficient because it honors the way the brain likes to work. The brain needs recovery and recharging time for "protein synthesis". The rest periods are when your brain assimilates your effort. They are a powerful tool which many teachers do not acknowledge. To sit and study for hours is not only boring, it creates fatigue, stress, and distraction. You cannot learn if you are fatigued, stressed, and distracted. 7. Take Guilt-free Days of Rest This follows same principle as above, but on a longer, daily time cycle. The reason for resting is to refresh oneself. However, if you feel guilty ("I really should be studying") then your precious rest period has been used to create more stress. The brain will not absorb new data if it is stressed. On days off from studying, really enjoy yourself and do not feel bad about not studying. 8. Honor your emotional state. Do not study if you are tired, angry, distracted, or in a hurry. When the brain is relaxed, it is like a sponge and it naturally absorbs data without effort. If you are emotionally stressed, your brain literally repels data. Forcing yourself to sit and study when your mind is on other things is a complete waste of time. 9. Review the same day. When you learn something new, try to go over the points the same day. If you wait a few days and then make efforts to review the material, it will seem much less familiar. However, a quick review later in the day will tend to cement the information into your brain so that the next"official" study session, you will recognize it and it will seem easy. Respect "Brain Fade". It is normal for the brain to have an attrition rate and to forget things. This does not mean that you are stupid n instead of getting mad about this fact, you should expect it and deal with it accordingly. See your brain as depositing layers of knowledge. As you place more information on top, the lower layer become older and less available to your immediate recall. The trick here is simply to review. Since we can anticipate the effectual fading of our memory, creating a review aspect to our study session will solve the problem. Once every two or three study sessions, simply review older material that you will be still needing to remember. Often, a quick overview is sufficient. Sometimes, a complete detailed study session of the older material is required. "Brain fade" is completely normal. (Unless you are gifted with a photographic memory, which is extremely rare.) To be continued...

Living in God's love everyday Colossians 3:14 And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness. The love of God is shared in our hearts through Christ. We are admonished today to put on this love in our daily interactions with people. It's expedient to act in love, for God is love. Hatred destroys, but love builds. Let us show love to people that can't pay us back. Let us show love to the perishing. Let love lead our daily decisions, irrespective of the situation. Never act out of selfishness, for love is selfless. The power of God thrives in the realms of love. In your home, let love reign. Share love abroad. Colossians 3:2 Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth. The love for material things is one of the major plagues of an unfulfilled man. Thus, the Lord admonishes us today on the right things on which our affection should be focused to: THINGS ABOVE. This is symbolic. The things above refers to things that are higher and imperishable, things that can't expire, things that can't be stolen or wasted. Falling under this category are the treasures in heaven, our salvation, eternal rewards and our oneness with Christ for eternity. It's amazing to note that these treasures are the only significant things that we should go for or even die for if need be. Everything on earth shall end someday, whether they are marriages, houses, cars, careers, money, etc. They shall perish, but eternity with Christ and the rewards awaiting us shall remain relevant forever. What would you rather choose to love? The pleasures of this world that shall end in tears and regrets? The cars and houses that shall become obsolete when we are no more? Jesus and the salvation package are the best choice. Choose Him, love Him and you shall enjoy abundant life till eternity. Let's pray together. Dear heavenly Father, thank you for your love upon us. We long to love you completely forever, please deliver us from distractions and help us to love what you love, Please help us to continually live in love all the days of our lives, in Jesus name. Amen.

Doing good should be a norm to all Christians 1 Thessalonians 5:21 Prove all things; hold fast that which is good. The word of God is the eternal standard to measure all things. In order to ensure that you are doing the right thing, ask yourself "what is God's word saying about it?" Today, the Lord says "measure your intentions" and when you are done " hold on to the good works " irrespective of who's involved or what you will gain or loss. This very significant, especially in our present age. So many things appear nice, wonderful and profitable in our time. The enemy have painted even sin to look beneficial. But prove it with God's word. Don't rush into things that will destroy your relationship with God. Don't try to be faster than God's plan for your life. Hold on and balance it with God's standard. Hold on to a life of holiness, even though it appears old fashioned. Hold on to a life of honesty, even though it doesn't appear smart. Surely, the goodness of God will locate you ultimately. Those that dwell in good deeds shall enjoy fulfillment and peace at last. Don't compromise your stand. Let's pray together. Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for your word today. Please open our eyes of understanding that we may prove all things and live in holiness forever, in Jesus name. Amen.

Don't doubt, just trust My younger sister can be witty, dubious and crafty. When she tells you the time is half past one, trust me, you really have to go see for yourself just to be sure the time isn't one past half. She never pulls her tricks without that glitter of sincerity in her eyes. Her tongue never for once has been void of truthful lies. Today, I asked her to scoop me some rice to eat and she gladly obeyed, so unlike her. For someone who only shows obeisance when she has a lot to gain, I had no option but to arch my brows when she hurriedly ran to fetch me the food. She was up to some ruse, I could guess. This girl scooped the rice and instead of bringing it to me immediately, used it to chase my youngest brother round the house. As if that wasn't enough,she got missing for a moment. I don't even know where she took the food to as youngest brother came hiding by my side so she wouldn't catch him. My lovely sister came out of the blue with my food and a smile on her face. I knew what she was capable of, so quickly, I asked her to taste the food to be sure she wasn't hiding a cockroach in the plate. She smirked and asked me how many spoons of rice I wanted her to taste. I scowled and she began eating. The next I heard was a retch. My histrionic sister kept coughing and I just kept looking. What happened next made me feel like I was in a theatre. She brought out something that looked like a dead insect from her mouth. 'Ajebutter' like me, I screamed! I knew it. I knew she put something inside the food. I ordered her to eat everything; all of it, instantly. How could she put an insect in my food and expect me to eat it? She'd definitely choke. "Finish it! " I ordered again. This girl told me a big thank you, balanced on a chair and ate all of it. She ate my food. All of it. Joyfully. Later I would know that the dead insect was a bay leaf. You know those bay leaves used in cooking jollof rice? I don't know how she did it but that was how I lost a very delicious meal of jollof rice to my crafty sister. If I had just trusted her and ate the food in peace, instead of doubting, I wouldn't have lost my food. You know what hurt most? That loud burp of satisfaction she gave after gulping down a glass of chilled water. Moral lesson: Don't doubt. Just trust.

Someone to hold on to Something really terrible happened to me today. I was given a task at work this evening. It was something big and my boss entrusted it in my hands. I want to believe he thinks I'm capable just like other of my colleagues. You know what? I watched the work in my hands shatter. Right before my eyes I ruined everything. You won't understand. I thought I was still on the right direction, so I took it to him to assess. The way he sent me to start all over ehhh. You won't fully understand what this means. It was painful. To think that I was consistently engaging the Holy Spirit, yet this happened. I was walking home broken and devastated. Do you know frustration? Yeah, that's the word. I played a song, it turned out to sour my mood the more, so I paused it. I wanted to call someone, but... Then, I started talking to God. I was just pouring out my frustrations. I was so plain ehhh...I just said it as it was in my heart. Then HE said to me: "Even ME, GOD, Clays get marred in my hands and then I start all over....talk more of you. As skilful as I am, Clays get ruined in my hands...but I don't leave them ruined. I make out something more beautiful than the latter..." You don't understand what those words did to me this evening. You won't. Those words brought peace to my heart. I don't have much to tell you. I dont know who needs to hear this, but I'd say it - TALK TO GOD! Let HIM know just how you feel. Don't speak in tongues, talk to HIM. Speak into HIS ears for HE listens. Pray in your understanding. Talk like you're with someone who IS existing. If it means you shouting, do it. If it makes you cry, let those tears drop. Never be silent. Don't let the devil silence you in any situation...so he can speak to you and magnify your frustrations. TALK TO GOD! Meanwhile, I don't know how tomorrow would be. But I'm going back to that shattered piece and I'm believing that 'light' will pop out of 'darkness'. I'm still uncertain (honestly) but I've got something and SOMEONE to hold on to AGAIN. This is when being a Christian goes really practical. Good evening

Don't bask in accolades of people. Do not be so carried away by the people celebrating your gifting that you forget to look at your height. For some of us we are talented but then there are areas we are still short, instead of realising areas we are short on, we bask in the accolades of people. Zaccheus was one man who understood this, despite his social standing in the midst of those with heights he was short, so he decided to climb a tree. There is a tree for you to climb to get a clearer view of your life and destiny but that won't happen until you admit the areas in your life you're short on. Not until Zaccheus climbed was he able to get the attention of Jesus. I hope as people celebrate God's grace upon your life, you go back and ask him the areas you're short on and the tree you need to climb. It could be the tree of humility, the tree of knowledge on your calling, it could be the tree of kindness, the tree of focus, the tree of patience etc. Ask him and begin climbing, the attention your calling needs to attract that will announce you might not come until you climb beyond where you are at the moment. God will not give us some crtain things until he is sure we are ready for it, the process of climbing gets us in readiness for what God has in store for us. Keep climbing and don't ever be carried away by the praises you fail to truly consider your height. #GoodEvening #GraceAndPeace

Make your skin glow everyday "Make your choice, my prince," said the queen, "from these beautiful maidens we've brought you." The prince gave them each haughty glances as he scrutinised their physical asset. He wore no expression that spelled hope. Instead he tossed the ones he rejected aside and moved onto the next one. Adaora sighed. She really wanted to be the prince's bride but everyone else said she wouldn't succeed because her skin wasn't succulent but dry. Many a time, other maidens discouraged her from trying. They said the prince would rather remain unmarried than spend his life "touching the bark of an Iroko tree". Her skin was as tough as the bark of an Iroko and she knew it. But she really wanted to be the next Lolo. And voodoo wasn't an option lest she should be exposed. She couldn't even afford to patronise Eze nwanyi, the old woman who made beauty concoction. She was too broke to be a queen. Nonetheless, she tried something and she silently hoped it worked... "What's your name?" The Prince's voice interrupted her reverie and for a second she stared blankly at him. "Don't tell me you've lost your voice, young maiden. What is your name?" He reiterated and she stuttered. "Adaora, my prince. Adaora, the daughter of Ike, the hunter who killed three bears and wrestled with a crocodile in the middle of nowhere." "I see...no wonder your skin oozes such strength and beauty," he paused then continued. "I like you." And to his mother he added, "I have found her." Adaora could only gasp in surprise. It worked! On the eve of her marriage to the prince, one of those naysayers who said the prince would never be with a woman whose skin was as tough as the bark of an Iroko, asked for her secret in capturing the prince's heart. What Adaora said to the maiden, I have curated into an article. If your skin is dry like Adaora's, make it glow and look better by using some skin glow oils