Breaking Off A Relationship-HOW? An answer to the big question

Now the big question: “How do you break off a relationship?” How do you say “no”? Consider the following suggestions: 1. Decide whether you want to do this in person, over the phone, in a letter or e-mail. And whatever you do, if you are serious about not seeing this person again, don’t be vague or give double messages or leave the door open. So if your decision comes during a first date or you keep running into the person at work, face-to-face may be the best. If it’s longterm, sometimes an e-mail may be easier for you since the person may not immediately respond, has to think about it, and can’t pressure you to change your mind. They will want and need to talk to you at some time, however. Whatever you do, don’t let themhear it fromsomeone else. 2. Be gracious and polite. You could share something positive at the same time you let them know you would prefer not going out with them again. Statements like, “Thank you, but I would rather not,” work well. However, if you add the phrase “right now” or “at this time,” they will think your resistance is just temporary and you’ll be back. Don’t say, “I’ll get back to you” or “Call me later” if you want this fledgling or longterm relationship to be over. Make it genuine. You may just want to say, “Thank you for the time you’ve invested, but I’mnot interested in pursuing the relationship any further.” You don’t have to give a list of your reasons if they pressure you to know why you don’t want to continue. Just use the broken-record technique and continue to repeat your statement word for word as you initially stated it. Especially in initial dates or short-termrelationships, you are not obligated to give your reasons. All it does is give the other person control or power over you, and now they can begin to attack your reasons. If it’s been a longtermrelationship, sharing the reasons may be helpful for personal growth. Be sure to say that your reasons are how you feel and it’s fromyour perspective. Don’t expect the other person to agree with you. They may become defensive and try to talk you out of your perspective as well as your decision. You may need to add that you do not want to argue the case or defend it, and you have already made your decision. Sometimes it helps to acknowledge their feelings and say that you could well understand they could be surprised, hurt, or angry. But keep in mind that no matter how they respond, they are responsible for it. Don’t take the responsibility on yourself and carry a load of blame or try to make themfeel better. If there are any items for you to return, it’s best to do so at this time. If things need to be moved, do this as soon as possible. If your partner has been untrustworthy to you, such as lying about who they are, their work or financialstatus, their Christian beliefs, or if they sexually harassed you, took and used money, or were unfaithful to you, they need to be confronted. I’ve seen too many situations in which the person was let off the hook with no confrontation. They were never exposed for what they were. They need to experience the natural consequences and discomfort of their sinful behavior, so either they experience conviction and come to genuine repentance or so others don’t fall prey to their pattern of destructive behaviors. I’ve seen cases in singles’ fellowship groups in churches, because of a pattern of non-Christian behaviors such as misappropriation of the partners or resources, continual sexual misbehavior, or date rape that the offender has been asked to leave the group. And it doesn’t take long for the word to spread as to the reasons. I’ve seen some cases where because of the volatile and unpredictable behavior on the part of the person on the receiving end of the breakup, a pastor or a couple of close friends were asked to be present when the person shared that the relationship was over. This was done for safety reasons. Unfortunately, there are those who don’t take “no” for an answer. They may have an obsession with you, be addicted to having a relationship, or are just so hurt and angry they may want to make life miserable for you. In any case, your safety, welfare, peace of mind, and future are at stake. If you need to be very emphatic and assertive, plan in advance what you think you will need to say and practice making these statements out loud if you know this will be difficult for you. You cannot be subtle or appear uncertain, especially if the other person doesn’t want to hear what you’re saying or is resistant to the whole idea. Don’t let the other person back you into a corner or get you in a defensive position. You could use statements like the following: “I understand this is upsetting, but our times together are over. This is not something I want to discuss, since it’s not negotiable.” If they persist in calling at home or work—“I’m going to hang up now. It won’t help either of us to continue to talk, and if you call again I will hang up.” “Please don’t contact me in any way. It’s just better that we go our separate ways.” “What you’re doing feels like harassment, and if you continue I will obtain a restraining order so we can both go on with our lives.” Sometimes the reluctant partner believes they know your thoughts and feelings better than you, so whatever you say may not register. The more information you give, the more you build their hope that you are not serious. Remember that! It’s true. The more you explain, the more you encourage themto persist. Sometimes people have said, “It seems cruel to have to be this way or to break up like this.” That’s not true. This is fair and loving. What is cruel is hanging on and prolonging a “going nowhere” relationship when you know it’s over. You may need to take some further steps to get the message through. This may include such drastic steps as screening all phone calls, blocking e-mails, changing your phone listing to an unlisted number, telling mutual friends to alert you if your former partner is coming to an activity, or suggesting that you not be asked to an event if the other person is coming.