A controller pattern, in many ways, is the opposite of a pleaser. Yet they both have a strong need for acceptance. But they certainly try to get it in different ways. A pleaser yields power to others in their desire to be loved, but a controller takes over and takes charge to gain the respect of others. A pleaser has an overabundance of sympathy but very little objectivity.
The controller, being just the opposite, has a great amount of objectivity but doesn’t know the first thing about sympathy. Controllers are very analytical. Even though this helps themunderstand the needs of others, the purpose is usually to gain control over them. Controllers can usually be identified by the following seven characteristics of how they relate to others.
Their need to be in control is obvious, and they use two means to accomplish this. Fear expressed through intimidation is typical, and they are very adept at discovering and using weaknesses in other people. The other tool is quiet, and it can be activated in the spouse of a controller by a word, rolling of the eyes, or a gesture. Any mistake is noticed and used to guide the erring spouse into line with their agenda.
Controllers are very self-reliant, and in marriage teamwork for themis not a possibility. Totally independent, they create their own vacuumof loneliness, for their style of independence alienates themfromother people.
The absence of emotion in their life helps to create a marriage in which their partner ends up starving for closeness and intimacy. The emotional bonding which is necessary for a healthy relationship fails to happen. Many controllers have never allowed themselves the opportunity to feel. If they do, they keep it in. I see numerous people who have only learned to cry on the inside. Many controllers only feel anger. Joy, delight, and sadness are missing fromtheir lives. They think about emotions but rarely feel them. When their spouse expresses emotions, they’re probably quite uncomfortable with the display and quickly try to deal with themrationally.
Controllers are quite inept at expressing loving behaviors that are genuine. What you may see as graciousness, politeness, kindness, or even being very sociable has a purpose in mind—to take control of the other person. Having love as an end result has no real meaning, but using love as a means to an end makes sense to them. If there is an interest in another person, it’s for a purpose. Their partner, married or unmarried, ends up feeling used. But many controllers believe they are loving their partner. Using themis an expression of their love.
Rules, rules, and more rules is their way of life. And the more rigid they are, the better. There is a right way to do things —it’s their way, and it’s the only way. They know what’s best for others and will orchestrate their life. If you’re in a relationship with a controller, you’ll find yourself being forced to conformin one way or another. Not all, but many controllers have the additional problemof being a perfectionist. This will make your life even more unbearable.
Controllers are people who live by labels, which includes name-calling. The most common one I see in counseling is when the controller (often the man) tells his wife, “Now you’re not going to go and get all emotional on me again. You know we can never resolve anything when you get that way. When you pull yourself together, then perhaps we can continue.”
Their style of communication has one characteristic: demanding in words, intent, and tone. They’re bottom-line people who cut right to the heart of a matter.
There is one last factor for you to consider when a relationship contains a controller. It is very difficult in a marriage for intimacy to develop when one partner is overly dominant or controlling and the other is submissive. A controller won’t open up and reveal his or her inner life and feelings for fear of losing the position of power or control. And the submissive partner is fearful of being open and vulnerable, because he or she could be attacked and overwhelmed by the other person. In When Love Dies, the results of the research indicate that one of the main reasons for individuals losing their love for their partner and eventually divorcing is a lack of mutuality in the marriage.
Mutuality is a respect for one’s partner which is based on the belief that each person is an equal in the relationship. When acts of mutuality are missing from a relationship, love dies. Lack of mutuality includes controlling or dominating a partner or disregarding their beliefs, opinions, desires, etc., or forcing themto do something against their will. It’s showing disregard for who they are.
Now, have we talked about anyone you know—a former partner, a current one, yourself perhaps? Let’s keep in mind that the majority of pleasers are women and the majority of controllers are men. Often they attract one another as they strive to fill the empty places in their personalities. In a marriage to a controller, you end up feeling misunderstood and dominated. Controllers don’t take the time to foster and nurture a close relationship. They get their own needs met, and any guilt or shame which might break through to the surface is repressed by activating the guilt of their partner.
If you are dating someone who fits this profile and you continue the relationship, ask yourself, “What is the need in me that causes me to be drawn to this kind of person? What am I hoping they will do for me?” Reflect on what your marriage relationship would be like five or ten years fromnow. Are you prepared for emptiness in your marriage?
