If you’re ambivalent about your relationship or struggling with trying to break it off, perhaps it would help to make a list of the eight to ten consequences of staying with the person.
Perhaps seeing the consequences on paper will jar you into action. At the same time, make a list of what you are getting from this relationship that is 1) healthy for you, 2) improving your Christian walk and testimony, and 3) causing you to go downhill anyway. Is this the best for you, or could you do better? Where is God’s will in all of this? What is He saying to you? Here are some other questions to consider:
1. What is your partner not being or doing that you want?
2. How long have you been thinking about ending the relationship?
3. What would have to happen for you to feel this might work out?
4. How often have you brought up the issues and concerns to your partner? What has happened since then?
5. Are you in a situation in which your partner is willing to do anything, but that doesn’t matter to you anymore?
6. What does this person do for you when you’re with him or her?
7. Does their attitude and behavior toward you increase your positive feelings about yourself?
8. Do you feel more attractive being with them?
9. Do they encourage your strengths or elaborate on your weaknesses?
10. Are you a better person by being with them? Is the other person trustworthy?
11. Do you constantly make excuses for them? Do you or the other person constantly try to change one another?
12. Is your relationship with Jesus Christ enhanced by being with them?
A woman shared with me, “It’s so hard because I don’t hate him. He really is a nice person, but he’s just not for me. It would be so much easier if he were a rat and I could despise him, but I don’t!” You don’t have to hate or even dislike a person in order to break up. If the relationship isn’t beneficial for you, then it’s not for the other person, regardless of what they say. Did you ever think about that? You can also end a relationship when you care about the other person, but you know it just won’t work for the two of you.
Even if you give your partner a list of eight things to change and they do all eight, it’s being done for you. Unless they want to change because they see the value, what makes you think the changes will last? I’ve heard people say, “If the relationship was meant to be over, then I wouldn’t doubt my decision, would I? I seem to waver back and forth, back and forth.” This is normal. Don’t let that stop you.
A relationship is over and needs to be cut off when…
1. You want out more than you want in. This doesn’t have to be a mutual decision.
2. Both of you want out and you don’t want to work on the issues. Sometimes a couple will say, “We’ll still see each other though as ‘friends’ since we enjoy each other’s company.” Why? That’s just keeping you from investing time and energy in recovering and then finding someone who could be your life partner.
Perhaps the reason you want out of the relationship is that it seems unfair to you. Your partner may have changed their expectations for you or they may be threatened by you for some reason and try to sabotage your efforts to grow and develop. You could be the one contributing more to the relationship than your partner, but he or she seems satisfied with their level of giving. Do you threaten your partner in some way, or are you threatened by themfor some reason? These signs are danger signals.
Perhaps you feel you are giving too much. But is your partner asking you to give in that way or are you choosing to do it for some reason? Sometimes the other person is selfcentered or a taker, or it could be you are giving in order to prove your love and desirability or to hang onto their love. And that could be one of the reasons that you have difficulty breaking off the relationship.
Awesome