Consider what Tim Stafford has said about singleness:
God may want you to be single. He wants everyone to be single for at least a part of life. And the Bible doesn’t talk about singleness as second-rate. In fact, it speaks of it positively. In the Middle Ages Christians went too far, and marriage was regarded as second-rate. We seem to have swung the other way now, and need to balance in the middle. Both marriage and singleness are gifts from God.
Ponder for a minute one fact:Jesus Christ, our Lord, never married. He never had sexual intercourse. Yet He was perfect, and perfectly fulfilled. He lived the kind of life we want to imitate. That doesn’t mean we ought to all want to be single: there’s no doubt marriage is the best way for most men and women. But it should say one thing for certain:singleness need not be unhappy.
Paul wasn’t married either, at least not at the height of his career. He wrote recommending the single life in 1 Corinthians 7, calling it a gift. (Strange that this is the one gift most would prefer to exchange.) And Jesus Himself, in Matthew 19:10-12, talks positively about the reasons some people should remain unmarried…
One of the saddest things I see, then, is the tendency for single people to live life as though waiting for something or someone to happen to them. They act as though they are in limbo, waiting to become capable of life when the magic day at the altar comes. Of course, they’re usually disappointed. In some cases they become such poor specimens of humanity that no one wants to marry them.
More often they do get married only to discover that they haven’t received the key to life: the initiative and character they should have developed before marriage is exactly what they need in marriage. And they are still lonely and frustrated…
Our culture, especially our Christian culture, has stressed repeatedly that a good marriage takes work. It holds up for admiration those who have formed “a good marriage.” But
I’ve seldom heard anyone emphasize the fact that a good single life also takes work. I’ve never heard anyone compliment a person for having created a good single lifestyle. This creates an atmosphere in which telling single people they have received a gift is rather like convincing a small child that liver ought to taste good, because it’s “good for you.”
Singleness, as I see it, is not so much a state we’ve arrived at as an open door, a set of opportunities for us to follow up.
Charles Cerling suggests the following thoughts to determine if singleness is for you:
1. Recognize that singleness may be for a period of time (for example, until you are 30), rather than for all of your life.
2. Recognize that it is easier to decide that singleness is not for you and get married than to realize you should have remained single once you are married.
3. Are you able to live with the idea that you might remain single all your life?
4. Is your desire to serve God complicated by the thought of a marriage partner?
5. Are you able to enjoy yourself without feeling the need for a lot of dates?
6. Could you live out the conditions of a vow to God to remain single for a period of time (for example, one year, five years, etc.) without seriously dating?
7. Do you see the advantages of singleness outweighing the advantages of marriage?
8. Do you see God calling you to a form of service that would be difficult if you were married (for example, work in the inner city, work in primitive mission projects)?
9. Are you willing to live with the stigma of being single if this is what God wants?
10. If you think singleness is for you, try it for a specific period of time. (Go for one year without a date, devoting your normal dating time to serving God.) If you fail, there should be no thought of having fallen out of favor with God. This is just an experiment. It is similar to trying to go to the mission field and finding that you can’t. You can still serve God effectively wherever you are. However, you should be as open to God’s call to single living as you are to any other call He might give you.
What do you think about his suggestions?
One thoughtful woman shared her experience with me in a letter.
My dating experience has been vast indeed considering the fact that I am now 41 years old and still unmarried. Not only is the experience deep, I would say it is also very broad—the sheer variety in men I have either dated or ended up having more serious relationships with is quite staggering when I think back on the various personalities.
Still after all that, I have not yet been motivated by any particular relationship to commit myself to a man for my lifetime. Possibly that has been a matter of where I was in my own personal growth or possibly it was a matter of not having yet met the man I will marry. Being such a romantic it will be a hard reality to look back and find that marriage was not in the plan for me, but I have never quite been able to accept that thought as coming from the Lord so I am still hoping to find the man of my dreams…
It is important to come to grips with the reality that marriage may not happen. I guess I say that because I’ve watched so many of my friends pine away for a man and put their life on hold until they were married, only to still not be married or eventually marry into a relationship that was less than fulfilling. Having observed that phenomenon for many years, I decided to live my life no matter who was or was not in it: friends, family, dating relationships, career, etc.
There is so much in life to experience that I would hate to miss all that life offers waiting for someone to share it with. Better I think to live it as best you can hoping always for a companion, but learning to deal with all the feelings and realities that are present when you are by yourself. Besides I think men and women who have truly resolved some of the issues of being alone and creating a life that can stand apart from an intense connection with another person, may make the happiest and healthiest marriage partners anyway.
Singleness is only a problem when you want to be married, but you resist it and don’t know why. You end up being stuck. If you were to get married in the next year, what changes would occur in your life? Make a list of the benefits and then make a list of the negatives.
Excellent writing skills