A big question to answer is, Are you ready for remarriage?
Many people who divorce live with fear and have difficulty trusting. Chances are your trust with your former partner was broken, and you may struggle to trust anyone again. And you may struggle with the fear of having the next relationship be a repeat of the first. Trust is built slowly. You need to learn to trust your own decisions, judgments, and feelings. As you do, fear will be crowded out.
Do others feel you’re ready for remarriage? If you haven’t asked your closest friends and family members, do so. Ask themfor specific reasons as well. Are you realistic when it comes to making a new marriage work if there are children involved? Keep in mind it takes at least five to sixyears for a blended family to blend.
Some of the couples I work with who are considering remarriage wonder if they are really free fromthe influences of their previous marriage enough to remarry. If you answer the following questions in the affirmative, perhaps you need to reconsider getting married again at this time:
Does this new potentialspouse resemble your former spouse in their appearance?
Does the personality quality that you value so much in this new person seemto be the one your former spouse lacked?
Do the same conflict(s) that were in your previous marriage also exist in this relationship?
Do you hold resentment against yourself or your former spouse for what happened in your marriage?
Did this relationship begin as an affair while you were previously married?
Do you resist or rebel against anything that reminds you of your previous spouse or your way of life together?
Do you spend a lot of time thinking about what is going on in the life of your previous spouse?
Are you searching for someone who is a clone of your former partner but without defects? Sometimes postponing the decision to marry again is helpful for recovery and change to occur.
Have you taken time to find out everything you can aboutnyour new love’s former marriage? What did they like and dislike about their former spouse, and what are their expectations of you because of that? Don’t be afraid to ask,
“What did you do wrong?” By the same token, be willing to share what you did wrong if you were married before. Listen to your partner when they talk about their first marriage. They’re not just sharing history, but information that will influence your marriage. Fears and hurts which took years to accumulate won’t disappear overnight. Bringing issues out into the open is healthy. Be sure you look at your own issues if you were married before.
