Relationships: Short-term, Long-term, And None

You’ve met someone who’s a real possibility. You’re interested and they’re interested. You don’t know where this could go, but you’re willing to pursue it. You just met and spent a few minutes talking, and there’s a definite interest…on both sides. This could become, well, think of all the possibilities—a friendship, a short-termromance, longterm romance, maybe even marriage. Who knows?

What Are You Looking For?

Have you considered letting people know what you are looking for right up front? It’s possible, and it can save you and the other person some time and even heartache. Now and then you will find an expression of this in dating ads. Some come right out and say, “Looking for romance, commitment, and eventually marriage” or “Just want to date and see what happens” or “Not interested in marriage, but a good friend.” Perhaps more of this needs to occur right up front.

The initial step is to determine what you are ultimately looking for in your relationship endeavors. Some men and women have said they let it be known the first time they’re together with a new person what their long-range goals are.

Then as soon as possible, they try to discover what the other person is seeking. Everyone has plans and preferences. One way to draw someone out is to share your own ideals. If you’re looking for a marriage partner and this new person isn’t, why waste your time? If they indicate they are too, but for the past 12 years they’ve had one series of six-month relationships after another, what does that tell you? You hope you’ll be the answer to their searching, but that’s a high risk. A person’s relationship history may have a message for you, too. Here’s what a 33-year-old woman shared as her criteria: What I look for in a godly man.

Spirituality is the umbrella, and then there are things under that. If the umbrella isn’t there, I don’t care what the outer appearances of the guy are: He might be a looker, a charmer, quite a talker, a doer, a go-getter; however, if the evidences of a strong walk with the Lord are not there, I am not interested.

However, once under the umbrella, qualities I find attractive are:

A person of whom my parents approve (particularly my father);

A person who is trustworthy;

A person of integrity (His word is his bond—when he says something, I feel confident it is going to be done. When he says something, I know he is going to do it).

Someone I can look up to—a person I would like to emulate.

Someone courteous—not one who will put me down. A good listener.

A supportive person—we might disagree on some things, but he would listen to my point before making a decision about right or wrong.

A good communicator. While I understand we won’t always agree on things or have the same opinion of things, I want someone who at least tries to understand and communicate with me. This is one of the more important qualities I look for.

The idea of integrity comes back to mind—in all facets of his being. Integrity toward his God, his spouse, his employer, his friends, his finances (the church, the IRS, etc.) and to himself. Does he try to convince himself of something that just isn’t the case?

Most of this rather “strict” approach to looking for a godly man is for two reasons: One is that I ama Christian and the thought of being with an unbeliever is not only repelling, it also is against God’s will. The other reason is because I tried it the other way and I know how unhappy (actually, downright miserable) I was. I knew I was involved in relationships which weren’t the ideal, but I didn’t know how to extricate myself.

With respect to dating, ideally I won’t actually date. In other words, I would like to get to know the godly man as a friend. I would like for kissing, etc., not to be an issue. I truly believe I can meet someone and get to know him on an intellectual and spiritual level and know at that point whether I want to marry him. The physical aspect of a relationship isn’t necessary as part of the courtship I have with a person. I have enough faith and belief in God that He will work out the physical aspects of our relationship when we marry.

Consequently, ideas that feel right or comfortable to me are to meet someone in groups of other Christians (either in a Sunday school class or in church, or in some outreach project). I would like to get to know him in groups—at least initially—before having any one-on-one time.

Lastly, and yet most importantly, having come through the background I have, I absolutely believe and know that prayer in a relationship is essential. In fact, it is prayer that will allow God to let me know His will about a particular man in my life. Additionally, praying together is something that will be a must for me.

Some individuals are quite satisfied and fulfilled with short-term relationships. This has been their pattern over the years and they are not pressing for marriage. Sometimes those in constant and frequent short-termrelationships project the reason for this onto their partners. They say, “She just didn’t seem interested in marriage” or “He wasn’t the commitment type. Few men are these days.”

People who follow this pattern of relationships usually have a high or “peak” intensity of attraction at the beginning, but over the next few months it diminishes. The relationship feels good and often there is intense passion. It’s as though there is an addictive chemical at work, but it rarely lasts. You can’t always explain why you are drawn to this person and sometimes who and what they are fails to match up to your qualifications list.

Infatuation does not have to have a correlation with reality. Infatuation/passion is so common with adolescents, and yet it can become a continuous pattern for adults in their 20s and 30s as well. Unfortunately, when the IP (infatuation/passion) fails to occur immediately, the person may not seem interested in pursuing the possibilities.

There is possibly more hope for a relationship developing and lasting without infatuation than with the IP pattern. As a couple dates and the intensity begins to subside, there is time for necessary evaluation of the relationship and the other person, as well as the opportunity for mature love to develop.

If some crisis occurs to make you look at the relationship in a new way, so much the better. This is positive, for this is life. When you encounter a crisis together, you are able to see another, often hidden side of the other individual. We are more willing to make changes during some crises.

When couples who are in pre-engagement or premarital counseling come in and state they had a difficult week or experienced major upsets, my response is “Wonderful, we’ll be able to accomplish more this week. We can use what happened to determine the effect upon your relationship. This is positive.” They don’t usually see it that way, but in time they will see the benefits. Or if a couple doesn’t experience very much upset during the weeks we spend together, I bring up issues and subjects that may cause serious discussion, reevaluation, or even conflict. This is what life is like when you’re married. Before you marry is when you need to discover if you can really handle issues together.

When you enter a time of reevaluating a relationship to determine whether you will move forward or dissolve it, you will probably consider numerous questions. Do you want to continue this relationship, and if so, in what way? Are you content to maintain at this level, or do you want to work to move it to a deeper and perhaps lasting relationship? Are you capable at this time of making such a decision? Are you capable of sharing whatever your feelings are for the person for a lifetime? Are you considering staying in this relationship for a positive reason or because it’s better than being alone until something better comes along?

Perhaps one of the questions for you to consider as you begin becoming acquainted with a person is, “Does this relationship have long-lasting potential?” Ask yourself this question, and rate it on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being “forget it” and 10 being “absolutely yes”). Do this each time you see the person and spend time with him/her. Keep track of this for a month and then ask yourself, “What are these results telling me?”