Relationships - Givers, Takers, and “Commitmentphobia”

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Avatar for Kaylee
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4 years ago

Years ago I read a book called The Givers and The Takers. It divided people into one of two camps. Ideally we have the ability to both give and receive. This is healthy. But if your partner is exclusively one or the other, you can count on one thing: Your needs won’t be met.

If your partner uses threats of any kind to force you to continue to be involved with himor her such as violence, ruining your reputation, or suicide, you need to become uninvolved as soon as possible. Some individuals have difficulty accepting “no.” (This topic will be discussed in greater depth in a later chapter.)

I amamazed at the number of married Christian couples who use the “D” word as a threat to control their partner.

Threatening divorce is unhealthy in a marriage. If you have a partner who uses threats to get their way, you might consider showing themthe door!

If your partner has a pattern of abusiveness in their background, how can you be sure that you won’t experience this if they’ve never received help or treatment for it?

In the last two decades our English language has been inundated with many new labels in an attempt to explain relationships and problems in life. Many books are talking about one label that perhaps answers why some individuals never marry. The villainous label is “commitmentphobia”! It’s even been suggested we have an epidemic of this problem.

It’s especially painful for the partner in a relationship who deeply loves the other, but the partner cannot bring himself or herself to make a commitment. Numerous books discuss this problem, and usually the man is the culprit. A few titles are The Dance￾Away Lover, The Go-Away-Come-Closer Disease, The Playboy Syndrome, Flight from Commitment, The Peter Pan Syndrome, and Men Who Can’t Love.

A “commitmentphobic” is a person who has a strong, insatiable desire for affirmation fromthe opposite sexalong with a resistance (a strong one at that) to commitment. They don’t want to be alone, but they don’t want to be too close.

And just when they get too close, they retreat. Their double message is, “Come closer. Don’t get too close. Come here. Go away.” They’re unhappy alone and unhappy if they’re going to be tied down.

How do you detect “commitmentphobics?” If they have a history of short-termrelationships, be aware. Do they cancel dates with you or change arrangements frequently? Do you find yourself being hurt by them? Do you see themsettling down and changing their pattern? If not, be careful.

If for some reason you have a strong feeling you’re involved with such a person, get out. Don’t try to discover why he or she is like this or think you can change the individual. You won’t and you can’t. It’s easy to fall into the trap of “I wonder why she canceled again?” or “I wonder why he’s retreating?” You probably will never find out. Move on to someone with potential.

Another concern for women is committed bachelors. A newspaper carried an article with the title “Bachelor Fad” in which it stated that more and more men are choosing the single life rather than marriage. Many men do postpone marriage to pursue educational and career goals. The author of the book

Bachelors: The Psychology of Never-Married Men found that many men didn’t marry because it was their choice not to. The study revealed that many men shared three types of defenses in relationships: avoidance, isolation, and distortion. The single men appeared reluctant to become involved emotionally, make demands, or share their needs in sexual relationships. Their defensiveness and isolation allowed themto interact with women, but on a superficial level. Emotions were not shared.

Overall their tendency was to be standoffish, indifferent. If there were any situations in which they might be hurt, avoidance was used. The surprising feature of this study, according to the author, was that only 5 percent of bachelors over 40 ever marry!

I’ve seen some strange combinations in premarital counseling. I’ve talked with couples who were going to be married where one of themdidn’t especially like the partner, but felt that wasn’t necessary if physical needs were met. Another couple admitted they had a physical attraction to one another and financially they had similar goals, but they were not sure that they liked one another’s personalities! Why would people even consider marriage with these liabilities? Yet they do. (Fortunately, the couples I mentioned eventually decided not to marry.)

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Avatar for Kaylee
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Wonderful one

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