Remember when you saw someone of the opposite sex you thought was super? Was it junior high? Maybe it was high school or college. Every time you saw himor her your heart started racing and your stomach went “twang.” You wanted to meet this person. You wanted a date. But how? You began to plan.
You asked your friends about this great person. You found out their class schedule and the route they took to get there, and you just happened to start walking that way. Or you found out where they worked, and you went in and ordered a Big Mac and fries three times a day to see them. But how could you possibly get up the nerve to ask for a date or let it be known that you were available? Never! When it came to that, you froze. Your thoughts wouldn’t work with your mouth. You were frozen with fear. What if they said no? What if they laughed at you?What if they told everyone else and they all laughed at you? What if…what if…the turmoil of an adolescent. You were so glad when it was over. But you just thought it was over. People in their 20s, 30s, and upward experience the same kind of turmoil. It’s called fear. Many single people live in a self-imposed prison of fear. I have seen numerous people who have found the “right” person, but are immobilized fromtaking that important step of marriage because of fear. Some have allowed fear to become the dictator of their life.
We all have a sense of fear when pursuing a new relationship. Why? Because there are risks involved. You may have a fear of being alone the rest of your life, but as you move toward a lasting relationship you bump into other fears. These can include the fear of closeness, fear of dependence, fear of losing independence, fear of rejection, fear of commitment, fear of failure, fear of making a mistake. One woman said, “I guess I’m afraid that if I marry I’ll discover some things about myself that I never knew before and won’t like!”
The unspoken concern of many singles was written years ago by John Powell: “I’mafraid to tell you who I am because you might not like who I am and that’s all I’ve got.” Perhaps the common denominator in the various fears is the fear of pain. We become very skillful in developing excuses. Many of us learn to put on some formof a mask to keep that last vestige of distance in place. Some people use denial; others use work. Some become clowns, and others use their intellect.
What fear about relationships lives within you at the present time? Is it a normal level of fear or is it dominating your life? We weren’t created to be driven by fear but rather to be drawn ahead in life by hope. How would you complete this statement: “What I fear most in a relationship is…”?
Fear of Commitment
Let’s consider one fear that is at the core of a long-term marriage—commitment. This fear appears to be the opposite of one most of us experience—the fear of rejection.
Some individuals are afraid they may be too successful. They see commitment carrying with it the loss of freedom, too many responsibilities. As one man voiced it, “What if I see someone better who comes along after I’mmarried? Then I’mstuck!” or
“What if the person I marry isn’t what I thought she would be?
Then what? I don’t want to make a mistake.” Blaine Smith suggests four levels at which the fear of commitment commonly occurs. Perhaps you’ve witnessed or experienced this in some way. Some people make such a dramatic, hasty exit froma growing relationship it’s like a prison break. The pressure of the thought of confinement pushes theminto a panicky act which shows little or no regard for the feelings of the other person. Many people manifest their fear through an on-again, offagain type of relationship. When the commitment is off, they feel comfortable with the relationship again. But as it moves toward commitment, the doubts once again begin to dominate their mind and soon they retreat.
Some people feel a sense of continuing ambivalence because their fear of commitment matches their level of desire for marriage. The relationship is serious, but the discussion about marriage usually falls in the realmof a “possibility.” A decision is always just out of reach. The word eventually keeps the couple involved, but if the relationship goes beyond a certain level, the person becomes frozen by fear. What is unfortunate is that this kind of a relationship can go on for years. The last level is normal apprehension. In this situation, the desire for marriage overrides the fear of commitment. This fear can help you take a hard and clear look at the relationship and take what may be positive growth steps.
1. When it comes down to making a relationship permanent through commitment, the subtle “what if” germ begins to invade our minds. “What if I’m attracted to someone else after I’m married?” “What if this isn’t God’s will for my life?” “What if I commit myself and the relationship fails?” “What if I commit myself and I get hurt?” Endless “what if” questions keep many couples from the commitment and intimacy that help make a marriage strong.
Tim Timmons and Charlie Hedges talk about three of the major fears of commitment. First, there is the fear of giving love without receiving love in return. We all want to receive love in the same measure we give it. And in a marriage, giving without receiving is very painful.
Second, the fear of being used and taken advantage of is an inhibitor to commitment, especially after one partner gives personal information about himself.
Third, one of the most paralyzing fears preventing commitment is desertion. Desertion is the ultimate form of rejection. Anyone who has been jilted in the past always has the fear of desertion lurking in the back of his mind, blocking future commitments.
2. Have you found yourself described yet?
If you are experiencing the fear of commitment, make a list of all those items you feel you will be giving up or losing when you marry. Evaluate them. Will you really be giving themup completely? Spend time grieving over what you will lose. Say good-bye to them, and then say hello to all those things you will be gaining.
To be continued...
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