Let’s consider that “perfect partner” you’re looking for by considering some basic practical questions. Hopefully this process will lead you to a better understanding of what you want and what you don’t want in a marriage partner.
Some people believe they can love someone before they know the person. The only thing you love with this belief is a fantasy. Lasting love is based on knowledge of a person and not on assumptions and dreams. It takes time and hundreds of hours of in-depth, revealing discussion.
Conventional dating patterns actually waste time and prolong the process of getting to know one another. When you spend time together (if your purpose is to find a spouse), avoid time spent watching TV, movies, and plays. Interact with each other rather than be passively entertained.
I suggest that the initial contacts could be used as a screening process. There are three phases to the screening.
1. Your first step is to determine if there is something special about the person. Are they worth more than a ten-minute conversation? If you’re unsure, is it worth investing more time to see if your initial impression is accurate? If not, don’t waste your time.
2. Are the person’s values and goals compatible with yours? Imagine how their values and goals would affect you over the next ten years. Could you live with them for the rest of your life? If not, why waste your time!
3. Marriage is social. Your spouse doesn’t just relate to you, but to others. Does the way this person relates to others meet your standards or expectations? Are you embarrassed by what they do? Do you have to explain away their behavior or excuse it to others? If so, do you want a lifetime of this?
Some might say, “Where does God and the leading of His Spirit fit into this? Isn’t this taking the choice out of His hands? What about His will for my life?” Have you ever considered that taking these steps could enable you to better discover His will? That’s a good possibility.
You may find other people saying to you, “Be realistic. If you’re going to find someone to marry, you’d better adjust those standards. The man or woman you want exists in only one spot—your mind!” It’s true you have to be realistic, but our society is filled with those who didn’t marry the person they wanted; they simply settled. The problem is more in not clarifying what you want in advance, searching, finding, building a solid relationship, and experiencing the rigors of premarital counseling.
Once you identify those items you must have, don’t allow yourself to waver or think, “It’s not that important.” Just remember it was and probably still is important. One man in his 30s shared an interesting insight:
Norm, I had my list of what I wanted, but then one day I met this woman who didn’t have any of the six qualities that I said were “Must Haves.” I fell for her. The attraction was intense. We started going together and it was great. I wondered why I didn’t miss those qualities.
Six months later, the attraction was subsiding and there wasn’t much left. It was then that I saw how those qualities would have kept us together. I also realized it was also a case of meeting the wrong person at the right time. I dated around for two years and one day Jean and I met.
You’ll never guess where—in the checkout line when I ran over her foot with my grocery cart! It was worth the wait.
Be patient. Wait.
This is what one man shared with me:
It seems like I have been waiting all my life for God to bring the right person into my life for marriage. I had waited until the age of 33 and thought that the Lord had brought that right person into my life for marriage. We had dated for almost a year and had become what I had thought the best of friends.
But as I look back now, I can see that I was very shallow in my observations and questions that I had in dating in general. I thought if the other person said that they were a born-again Christian, then that was what they meant. I really didn’t think I’d have to look or dig any deeper or question what their beliefs really were.
As we dated, I continued to run through red flags. I didn’t relate to themas being red flags, though, until I looked back after the divorce and wondered how I could have missed many of them. I also realized some of them were so hidden within her that they didn’t come to the surface until after the divorce.
It has now been over seven years since the divorce. As I look back and see how my ideals and expectations have changed, I am so grateful to the Lord that I didn’t meet anyone or fall in love in the first several years. I can see that even though I felt that I was ready, I wasn’t even close to being ready for remarriage.
I must admit, it has been lonely at times and it would be wonderful to have that special person to share things with, but I am glad that I have not married or settled for less than what I really am wanting and looking for.
I have had friends tell me to just pray and the Lord will provide, but I don’t think that it is always that easy. I totally believe in the power of prayer, and sometimes people do meet their spouses in the grocery store or in Sunday school. But if you are not finding her there, yes, you need to pray, but you must get out and leave no stones unturned if a mate is what you are really looking for.
It is kind of like looking for the Lord’s direction in finding a job. You don’t say a prayer and just sit by the phone and wait for it to ring. You have to go out and knock on doors and genuinely seek employment.
At the same time you have to know what type of work that you are looking for. And in searching for the right mate you have to know ahead of time, to a degree, what you are looking for, your expectations and what your negotiable(s) and non-negotiable(s) are in a mate and in a relationship.
For me, in leaving no stones unturned I have attended church singles’ groups, Christian singles’ dances, networked with friends with some of their friends, had a nice Christian yenta lady looking for me, and have tried Christian singles’ connection ads. I have found that all of these things have merit, and I have met a number of wonderful ladies. However, I have also met a number of strange ladies, so one must use discernment and not be embarrassed in asking questions.
I’ve seen numerous couples who have experienced the “three-to-sixmonth syndrome.” They had an instant attraction to one another and it was intense—almost overwhelming. They just clicked. Sometimes they say, “It was as though I knew this person all of my life…and we just met!” The relationship builds rapidly, and they’re in love. The topic of marriage is hinted at occasionally, and it flits in and out of their conversation from time to time. But the longer they go together…something happens. Perhaps one isn’t as eager as the other or one withdraws a bit or one doesn’t pursue with the same fervor.
The romantic high seems to be a bit tarnished. They begin to struggle with some issues that have emerged, and now they have to work at the relationship for the first time. Instead of being totally impressed with their partner, they are scrutinizing and appraising them. My response to this is “Wonderful!”
This is great! This is positive. Now you have the opportunity to see the other person for who they really are. Now the relationship has an opportunity to grow. It is possible to have standards that are too high. And sharing your list or vision of who you want to marry with trusted friends may help bring your expectations in line.
