“Norm, how long? How long is this pain going to last? How long is it going to take for me to recover? When will the thoughts, the feelings, the memories go away enough that I can go on with my life?” I hear this question frequently, because I work with many people who are experiencing grief in some way over the loss of a relationship. I’m not sure I can give you an exact answer, because the estimates vary.
We do know, for example, when you lose a close loved one in what is called a “normal” death, the average length of time for recovery is about 2 years. With an accidental death, it’s 3 years. The authors of Letting Go, a book dealing with recovering from a broken heart, feel (based on interviews with those who suffer from depression, feelings of inadequacy, and loss of selfesteem) the average time it took for normal functioning to return and the absence of haunting memories was usually half the time the relationship existed.
That would mean a 4-year marriage or relationship would take two years to recover from and a 12-year marriage or relationship, 6 years of recovery. I’m not sure that this should be used as a guideline, since every relationship, every person, and every situation varies. It may be accurate if the person didn’t engage in their grief work and move toward recovery. The authors also state that by following the principles suggested, the symptoms mentioned will leave in 3 months.
Two other authors have described the state you feel during a breakup as “love shock” which is basically a mixture of numbness, disorientation, emptiness, and a jumble of numerous feelings which churn about. It is similar to a crisis reaction or grieving over any kind of loss.
They suggest it takes most people about a year to complete their “love shock” experience, but it’s not unusual for it to take longer. I think a rule of thumb to follow is, the more you have learned to cope with crisis and the more knowledgeable you are about the losses of life and grief, the better you will be able to recover.
What Happens When It’s Over?
When a close relationship ends, a part of you wants to try again with a new relationship. But another part of you says, “Forget it! It isn’t worth the risk!” You are afraid the past will recur and your new relationship will also end in a painful breakup. Or you are afraid you will always feel the loss and pain of your previous breakup and never be able to reach out and love again.
This fear is intensified whenever you relive the breakup. Every time you relive the experience in your memory, the emotionalsledgehammer crashes down on you again. I have even heard people say they thought they were going crazy during this phase.
The fear of reliving the past paralyzes the normal process of building a new relationship. This fear creates a hesitancy to invest energy, love, and transparency in a new love interest.
You ask, “What if this happens again?” Many people who are afraid to move ahead in a new relationship are also afraid to remain behind without anyone to love. But when you jump into a relationship too soon, you contaminate it and avoid dealing with the last one. You feel trapped between the fear of loving again and the fear of never being loved again. It seems to be more intense when you are the rejected person in a divorce.
There are additional emotions that feed the fear of loving again. One of themis guilt—the feeling that you have failed yourself, your ideals, your Lord, or the other person, especially if there was sexual involvement and/or living together.
Sometimes you feel “I wasted four years of my life!” This guilt may exist whether you were the rejected person or the rejecting person. Unresolved guilt damages self-esteem, and low self-esteemproduces greater fear.
If you feel guilty about a broken relationship, it is important to identify whether the feelings are based on reality (such as breaking a commitment or acting irresponsibly toward the other person) or imagination (taking the blame for something that was not really your responsibility). I’ve heard of many painful aftermaths ofbbreakups.
One girl’s fiancé broke up with her and married her sister. How do you imagine she felt? Another young woman was dating a 50-year-old man who was crazy about her. One day he introduced her to his 28-year-old son. Five weeks later, she and the son were married.
When breakups occur, you long for the relationship you once had. For some, this longing becomes an obsession dominating every waking moment. Nothing has any meaning until that relationship is restored. There are some who become addicted to a person. We call this obsessive love. This is the belief that this one and only one magic person can meet one’s needs.
To offset the pain, some people begin binging with onenight stands or eating like food is going to be rationed in the future. Restoration of the relationship exactly as it was happens very infrequently. The feeling of being out of control is particularly devastating, since there is nothing you can do.
You can beg, plead, offer bribes, threaten suicide, and so on, all to no avail. Nothing seems to work, nothing will work, and nothing does work. You feel abandoned, forsaken, betrayed, and all alone.
