Warning: There are two types of situations which are definitely hazardous to the health of a future marriage. You’ve heard about one of thembefore, especially if you’re a basketball fan. In fact in this sport it is to a team’s advantage to have players who excel in this particular skill. It’s called rebounding. A basketball is shot toward the basket, but it bounces off the rimand a player leaps high into the air and grabs “the rebound” so his teamhas possession (or retains possession) and can move toward the basket.
Catching the rebound in basketball is positive. Catching a person on the rebound is not! I see it all the time. A dating relationship is broken or a marriage is broken because of death or divorce, and very soon the person is involved with a new person. Often the rebounder is in intense pain over their loss and instead of experiencing the loss and grief on their own, they attempt to cover some of the pain by attaching to a new person in their life.
The positive feelings are much more positive than the ache of the empty place in their life. In a sense, the other person is being used as an anesthetic by the rebounder to numb some of their hurt. You may be healthy and able to commit to a relationship at this time, but they aren’t there yet. Rebounders enter into premature involvements which hinder them from healing and contaminate their new relationship. Both people need to be stable and healthy for a relationship to have a chance.
If a person is now single because of the death of a spouse, was it a lingering, longterm terminal illness that led to the death? If so, there could have been a great deal of anticipatory grieving, and the person could recover much more rapidly following the death. But if not, it usually takes an average of two years for the grieving to occur after what we call natural death. But if it was an accidental death, it usually takes three years; suicide, four years; and death by homicide, usually five years. This is why grief-recovery groups are important before moving into a new relationship.
When a divorce occurs and the person is the rejected one, not only is there the loss of the relationship, but there is the pain of the rejection as well. Too often the person is moving into relationships before the divorce is even final. Numerous times men and women going through divorce have asked me if it’s all right for themto date yet. I usually toss the question back to themby asking, “In the eyes of the state and God, are you single or married?” When they admit the truth (it may take a while for this to occur), tell them, “If you’re still married, then you’re not eligible to date yet.
Once you’re divorced, attend and complete a divorce-recovery group. Then wait at least a year before even considering dating. You won’t be ready until at least that time. If you get into relationships before that time, you’re probably rebounding and looking for someone out of pain and need rather than from a healthy choice.” Many counselees don’t want to hear this. But those who remarry too soon are another divorce casualty waiting to happen.
Perhaps the kind of rebounding often found in broken relationships is best illustrated by throwing a racquetball against the wall of a small roomin your home. It bounces erratically back and forth from wall to wall. One young woman described the process in my counseling office:
I feel as though I’m on a combination merry-go-round, bumper car, and roller coaster all rolled up into one. I have to be on the go constantly or I think I’ll go bananas. I’m always doing something and jumping into one relationship after another—and unfortunately, one bed after another. I don’t like myself for doing this, and it makes me feel even worse about the relationship I lost.
I’ve decided to find some more constructive things to do with my time and to stay home on Thursday and Friday night each week to prove that I’mable to do it. It hurts, but I think I’ll recover by doing this and I’m sure I can grow through this experience. I don’t want to be chained to him forever, and I think I have been.
Some may be ready for a relationship earlier than others, but you need to ask this question, “AmI being considered for who I am, a unique person they’re interested in pursuing for me, or am I looked at as a cure?” The other question is, “AmI looking at the person I’minterested in as a cure, or amI regarding them for who they really are?”
How can you tell, though, if this new person in your life is a rebounder? First of all, before you invest too much time, discuss yours and his/her last relationship. If it was longterm, either dating or marriage, go into detail about the type of relationship, what caused the termination, how long ago, what he/she has done to recover, and how this person is doing in their adjustment. This is not being intrusive, but safe and practical.
You may want to discover how similar or dissimilar you are to their former partner. I have seen many people choose men or women just like their former partners, defects and all. These replacements will probably be just as disappointing as the previous partners were.
But something drives them to prove that they can have relationships with people like this. Perhaps it is to prove to themselves and their former partners that the defect wasn’t in them. This is why many daughters who have nonaffirming, aloof, distant fathers choose husbands who are very much like their fathers. The similarities could be in personality characteristics, behavior, values, beliefs, etc.
Before any person can move ahead with a new relationship, it’s necessary to say good-bye to the former person. It’s the final step in the stages of grieving over a relationship. More will be said about this in a later chapter.
tend to manifest certain characteristics, and if you see these in the other person, be cautious. If the other person has requests or demands which lead to major change in your life without your receiving need fulfillment, that’s a warning sign. It could be a rebound symptomor an ingrained personality trait. In either case, it’s not healthy for you.
Often rebounders use projection to ease the pain of their breakup. They heap blame upon their former partner and focus on his/her negative traits (which we all have). This tendency may keep them from seeing or assuming their part in the breakup. If they continue to bad-mouth their former partner as your relationship is building, they are still emotionally involved with the former partner, but with negative feelings.
The anger which is there could lead to resentment, which can create a bitterness not just toward the original source, but perhaps to other people in their life and even you. You may want to discover who else they have blamed in their life for their misfortunes. You certainly don’t want to be an addition in their trophy case of “bad guys.”
Another way to numb yourself from the pain of the loss, especially if you were the one rejected, is to deny your former partner’s good points. Statements such as these deaden the pain of the loss: “You know, that person really had a lot of problems and defects. She or he wasn’t who or what they said they were. I’m better off in the long run finding someone else.”
Another question for you to consider is whether this person is the one who broke it off with his/her former partner or if he/she was the one rejected. In either case, has this been a pattern over the years? Where is their former partner now? Are they dating someone in a new relationship or married again? If so, amI the first person my new partner has had an interest in or have there been others? If you are the first one, why have they waited until now to pursue a new relationship?
