A second marriage is different from a first for a number of reasons. In a remarriage there is usually another cast of characters in addition to the two of you, and the possibilities for problems are unlimited. You are also becoming involved with your spouse’s family of origin, their previous spouse and their family, children from the first marriage, and also friends. The relationships expand as you each bring your own children into the arena. You’re related now emotionally and by law.
What if the previous ex of your new spouse remarries? You’ll hear about themas well as have them in your life, too. In a sense you could be marrying into one huge extended family with a number of people neither of you cares about. But you’re stuck with them!
And there are numerous outside pressures that will be new to you. They’ll come at you from all sides from parents, neighbors, families, jobs, school, and former family members.
You’ll hear comments which range from positive to negative. “Oh, you’re Bob’s new wife. Well, I hope you can handle his kids better than ‘she’ did,” or “Well, Jim, I certainly hope you give Laura a hand with the finances. I think that would help her get her accounts in order as well.” Even your new spouse’s parents may have some advice or warning statements for you.
There will be others who resent you, dislike you, compare you, love you, ignore you, and accept you. The possibilities are endless. Some could praise you, frighten you, undermine you, or welcome you with open arms. I’ve seen it all. One remarried man said, “My former wife is still in my life and tries to mess it up. She poisons the children’s minds about my new wife and has spread stories about her to the neighbors. Now the kids wonder who they are to believe!”
Keep in mind that in a first marriage there are fewer people involved than in a remarriage, and the feelings are much less complicated.
When you first married, how did your parents respond?
Probably they were either sad or glad. With a second marriage there may be hesitation, reservations, or worry over whether this marriage will work out or not. And if there are going to be stepchildren involved, the apprehension can be even greater on their part. Consider this possibility: Your children or stepchildren-to-be will wonder where they fit into this family and how they will get along with the new family members.
I’ve seen second marriages dissolve because one of the children hated the stepparent so much he would never let the parents be alone while he was in the house. He would interrupt their conversations and actually step between them when they were talking.
Perhaps your parents or your ex-partner’s parents will be upset about your plans to remarry and worry over not seeing the grandchildren as much. Perhaps the ex-spouse will be concerned that you’ll want custody, financial help, and visitation changes. Or perhaps they will want these things!
Perhaps an ex-spouse will give you a wedding present of having your children or your new partner’s children come to live with you. It’s happened before.
Keep in mind that people bring routines into a remarriage that were developed with a former spouse. A new spouse may be expected to know and accept these routines. What if you or your new spouse has a close relationship with a parent of a former spouse and wants to maintain that relationship? How will that affect a new marriage?
People tend to bring memories into a remarriage, both positive and negative. When everything is going well with your new partner, your memories of the previous relationship are negative. You recall the shortcomings. But when things are not going well with your new partner, you may tend to idealize the former relationship.
Remarriages can be fertile ground for comparison. And if either or both of you bring children into the relationship, there will be a multitude of adjustments.
Let me make some initial suggestions based on more than 30 years of counseling married, divorced, and premarital individuals and couples. I make these suggestions out of a desire for you to have the fulfilling relationship you are seeking. It could very well be that the next series of suggestions, comments, and questions could be bothersome or even offensive, but they are meant to bring a sense of realism into your future.
If your former spouse has not remarried, have you considered or attempted reconciliation, or is that door thoroughly closed?
Is getting married again something that you believe is the will of God for your life? Could you explain the reasons for your answer?
Have you participated in an intensive divorce recovery workshop program and completed all the requested assignments? Before beginning any new relationship, this is a must. It will take time and effort on your part to complete this, but it’s essential for recovery. The difficulty is often finding such an opportunity. Many smaller churches or even middlesized ones don’t have such a ministry, and in small communities it’s even more difficult to find this kind of workshop. Fortunately a complete divorce recovery program is now available on video with an accompanying workbook called Divorce Care.
Even if you have never been married before, if you are marrying someone who has, it would be beneficial for you to sit in on a recovery program or use the Divorce Care series. The greater your depth of understanding about the complexity of divorce and recovery, the greater your chances of developing a healthy relationship.
By the way, if you have experienced a divorce and have recovered, be cautious about dating someone who is recently divorced. They tend to look to you to rescue them, and you may be dealing with a rebounder.
