The fear of rejection keeps us in a protective, cautious state. It hurts, but sometimes we let it hurt too much.
Kay was a very sensitive person who had experienced rejection in her childhood home and in some of her relationships with men. As we talked together, she shared the extent of her feelings: I don’t like the way I am. I know I’m overly sensitive.
When I made the appointment with you, I even wondered if you would accept me as a client. Then when I arrived this morning and you were three minutes late for my appointment, those old feelings of rejection began to climb to the surface. It wasn’t you but my own sensitivity.
I feel that way whenever someone changes plans with me or disagrees with what I think or want. Anytime someone doesn’t go along with what I want, I begin to feel rejected. And then I get angry inside. When I am dating a man and I care for him, I’m even more sensitive to any sign of rejection. But when I feel rejected,
I come on too strong and demand love and acceptance in some way. And that chases him right out the door! When that happens, I feel terrible. And I know I caused the rejection. But I don’t know what to do! That’s not the only way I respond to my fear of rejection.
Sometimes I feel real inhibited with a man, so I withdraw. I’m afraid of exposing my true self and being rejected. But my withdrawal also brings on rejection because he sees me as a real dud. I can’t let him know that I care for him and crave his attention and acceptance. So I don’t get it. And once again, I get mad! It’s almost like I’m caught in a vicious cycle. But I don’t know how to get out of it!
Kay was right. It easily becomes a vicious cycle, and it’s very common. If you live with the fear of rejection, you expect it. It elevates your need for acceptance by other people. But then you tend to behave in a way that hinders others from accepting you. I see it happening in one of two ways. Either people are so closed, restrained, or timid that you would have to use a battering ram to get through. Or they become so demanding and controlling that they drive that special person right out of their life. With either choice, rejection will be the outcome, and their fear becomes self-fulfilling prophecy.
If you experience rejection, you feel hurt. Often that turns into anger. But if you express your anger, what happens? Rejection. So the anger is stuffed, which feeds the fear, and soon the pattern is repeated. This keeps a relationship from going anywhere.
Some of us are especially sensitive to any hint of rejection. And because of this tendency, rejection is seen in statements and actions when it isn’t even there. We live with the ghosts of rejection. Every rejection we’ve experienced in the past causes us to be overly sensitive to what’s happening in the present.
The pain of previous rejections stays with us and contaminates current relationships. Unfortunately, some people were treated as unacceptable, unwanted burdens when they were young. Feelings of rejection in childhood can result from the presence of derogatory statements or the absence of physical or verbal affirmation. When a person is rejected as a child, he is more sensitive to hurt as an adult.
But let’s face it. You will experience rejection as you look for a life partner. Even in a lasting relationship you will experience rejections from time to time. And the more we are addicted to approval, the greater our fear of rejection. But rejection is not the end of the world, even with its accompanying pain. Too often when the rejection comes the negative-thinking bent of our mind kicks into play and we begin to say, “There must be something wrong with me. I’m not ‘this or that’ or I must be too…” and we become our best (or worst) critic.
Keep this thought in mind. When you are rejected, is the person who is doing the rejecting making a statement about you or making more of a statement about himself or herself? Is it really a problem within you or is it his or her problem? What would happen if you would begin to assume this in place of the negative perspective about yourself? Rejection may be unpleasant, but it doesn’t have to destroy your self-esteem and self-confidence. You will survive.
If you live with the fear of rejection, you may be operating with a selective memory that needs to be channeled in a new direction. Perhaps you overemphasize the times you’ve experienced rejection, rather than focusing on all the times of acceptance. Could it be that you reject yourself in some ways?
To be continued....
Love is wild