Factors That Make a Marriage Work 2

Resolving Conflicts Successfully:

It is helpful to look at the various studies that have been conducted on marriages that succeed or fail. In the book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, the results show that marriages will last when a couple has the ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship. Too many couples over the years have said a sign of a healthy marriage and marital happiness is having a lower level of conflict. “We never fight” is their motto. But relationships are built and strengthened by facing and reconciling differences.

This is what leads to a greater level of happiness and satisfaction in marriage. Everyone differs, however, in the way they resolve differences. The author of the book just mentioned has found there are three different styles of problem-solving that are reflected in healthy marriages. There are validating marriages in which couples compromise frequently. They work out their differences in a calm manner to each individual’s satisfaction whenever a problem surfaces.

There are two other styles which used to be considered unhealthy patterns, but that doesn’t seem to be the case reflected in Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. In conflict￾avoiding marriage, couples agree to disagree but rarely confront their problems head-on. They avoid discussions they know will end up in deadlock. They focus on what they appreciate in the relationship, accentuate the positive, and accept the rest of what is unresolved. (Personally, I think there are some drawbacks to this style and the next one as well.)

The third style is the volatile marriage in which there are frequent and often intense disputes. Voices are raised and listening is not the best. They seem to enjoy these times, and these couples tend to be more affectionate than others as well. So all three solve their differences in various ways.

Is there a common thread in these three varied styles that is the ingredient which brings happiness? Yes, and it’s very simple. When there are five times as many positive as negative moments together, then your marriage is more likely to be fulfilling.

What about it? If you’re in a relationship now, what is the positive level compared to the negative? Going into a marriage from a position of strength is far better than with a deficit. My own feeling is if you don’t learn to resolve conflicts before you marry, wait. Why proceed when you haven’t learned how to develop harmony? This is a skill that anyone can learn, but the time to refine it is before the commitment is made.

Vulnerability and Intimacy:

What else can you do to enhance the prospects of having a successful marriage? Following the guidelines and suggestions in this book in selecting a life partner is a beginning step. Going through extensive premarital counseling with a trained and knowledgeable counselor or minister is a must as well.

In healthy marriages there is a high degree of vulnerability and intimacy. Both persons are aware of their feelings and needs. They’re willing to express what these are and how they would like them fulfilled. And they don’t withdraw when conflict emerges. But keep in mind that both of you need to be able to do this. Just one doesn’t carry the marriage.

Acceptance:

Marriages that make it have two people who can accept imperfections and differences. They have learned how to influence one another in positive ways and bring out the best in each other. They’ve learned what can be changed and what cannot. Personality types and characteristics won’t change; behavioral habits certainly can. What is your capability in this area?

Ability to Speak Each Other’s Language:

When two people plan to spend their lives together, they have to communicate in such a way that they connect. And since in many ways you marry a foreigner, you had better learn the other person’s language. If there is one key ingredient to the complex process of communication it’s this: Learn to speak your spouse’s language, and the closeness and intimacy you’re seeking can happen.

For example, such a simple difference as one of you being an “amplifier” when you talk and the other a “condenser” can drive a wedge between the two of you. An amplifier is someone who uses several detailed, descriptive sentences in explaining something. This person wishes his or her partner would do the same. Unfortunately, they often pressure their condenser partner to open up and use a multitude of sentences.

The condenser is a bottom-line sort of person who may give a two￾sentence response, but often one line is sufficient. This person would like his or her partner to do the same. They can tune out quite readily when their spouse amplifies. If each would adapt their natural style to their spouse’s style when they talk, each would respond better. We’ll talk more about this later.

In a counseling session one day a man said, “I’d like to find a woman that I could understand and get along with as well as I get along with my male friends, but it’s impossible.” I said, “No, it’s not. It’s very possible if you are willing to become flexible, realize that you and a woman are aliens, that you need to learn about male-female cultural differences, and learn to see them as a learning challenge that can enrich your life rather than view themas a pain in the neck. If you do that, you’ll get along!”

There are many factors that contribute to our unique way of communication, including personality, gender, and learning style. When you learn and implement what you have learned, the intimacy in your relationship will develop.

Couples where both people are secure in who they are and aren’t looking for their partner to be the solution to their self￾identity or esteem problems are much happier in their relationship. The other person’s calling is not to be a current substitute for what was lacking in your life or for what was missing between you and a parent when you were growing up.

Keep in mind that you can’t be happily married to another person unless you’re happily married to yourself. Your partner is not responsible for making you feel good about yourself or for giving you an identity. You receive that from your relationship with Jesus Christ.