One other area for consideration is the entire realmof values and goals. One of the learning experiences in premarital counseling is having each person identify their expectations and goals for the marriage. By doing this in advance, it both clarifies what is important to each person and where they see the marriage heading.
You may want to do this yourself. Begin by each of you writing down 20 to 25 expectations you have for your potential partner as well as the marriage itself. Then look at each list and answer the following questions (they are written for an engaged couple)
1. Do we both have expectations in this area?
2. Do I have the same expectations for myself as I do for my fiancé? Why not?
3. How are our expectations of each other alike or different?
4. Whose expectations are stronger?
5. Whose expectations are most often met? Why? Because that person is older, stronger, more intelligent, male, more powerful?
6. Where do my expectations originate? From parents, books, church, siblings, the neighborhood where I grew up?
7. Are my expectations more worthy of fulfillment than my fiancé’s?
8. Do all the people I know have the same expectations in a given area?
9. Do I have a “right” to my expectations?
10. Am I obligated to live up to my future spouse’s expectations?
Now take each expectation and answer the following:
1. Is this expectation I have of my fiancé supported by objective reality? Is it objectively true that he or she should act this way?
2. Am I hurt in any way, shape, or form if this expectation is not fulfilled?
3. Is this expectation essential to the attainment of any specific goal I have for my marriage?
4. What does this expectation do to my future spouse’s perception of me?
5. Does this expectation help me achieve the kind of emotional responses I want for my spouse and me in marriage?
Evaluating expectations is one way to work out those differences which could drive you apart. Yes, you can work out a solution which willsatisfy both of you. You need to evaluate and clarify everything—and I mean everything! This includes food tastes, cooking styles, neatness level, time you retire at night and whether it’s together or separately, taste in interior decoration, amount you spend on gifts, how important it is to you to remember birthdays and anniversaries, noise level in the home, frequency and type of TVprograms, etc.
These may sound mundane, but you wouldn’t believe the number of marriages that fall apart because of these conflicts. If some item or issue isn’t important or significant to you, but it is to your partner, then it needs to become more important to you. This is part of your growing and learning process.
Then look at your goals by writing themdown and discussing them. Keep in mind that a goal is something you would like to achieve or see happen. It is a statement involving faith, for it tells of something we hope will happen in the future. “Faith is the substance of things hoped for” (Hebrews 11:1 KJV). We all have goals and dreams.
Goals give you a sense of direction. They are not what will be, but what you hope to attain. Because they are futureoriented, they can lift you fromsome of the difficulties of your present situation. Your focus can be upon positive hopes to come. As Christians we live in the present and future. Scripture admonishes us to have purposes and direction for our lives:
“Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race” (Philippians 3:13-14 TLB); “A man’s mind plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps” (Proverbs 16:9 RSV). Once we set goals, our steps can be directed by the Lord.
Goals will help you use your time more effectively, for they help you sort out what is important and what is not. If you know what you intend or need to do, it is much easier to keep from being sidetracked.
I have a list of demands placed upon my time for ministry to others. Some time ago I determined how much time I have available for my speaking ministry each month, what I feel needs to be accomplished during these times of ministry, and how best to accomplish the objectives. It is far easier now to evaluate requests and to say no to those that could detract me from the original God-directed goal.
As we decide upon goals, we need to realize that a goal is an event in the future that is accomplishable and measurable. If I say that I want to be a good swimmer, I amstating a purpose. If I say that I want to be able to swimsixlaps in an Olympic-size pool by July 1, I amstating a goal.
Here are the characteristics of well-stated goals:
1. A goal should be stated in terms of the end result. Example: Spend two hours a week in direct, face-to-face communication with my wife.
2. A goal should be achievable in a definite time period. Example: Spend two hours a week in direct, face-to-face communication with my wife by the end of February.
3. A goal should be stated precisely in terms of quantities where applicable. Example: Spend two hours a week in direct face-to-face communication with my wife by February.
4. A goal should have one important goal or statement rather than several.
