If there are any bits of advice that I could give anyone who is looking for the ideal mate for themselves it is this:
Ask questions of anyone you date and store their answers in your memory bank to see if the answers continue to be consistent with their actions. If somethingbappears to be a red flag, confront it and don’t let it slide as “It’s not that big of a deal.” Interact with the other person’s friends (in group settings) such as on camping trips or skiing trips or play interaction group type games.
If possible spend time with the other person’s parents (and if there are any red flags, don’t ignore them, because their child is a product of their environment). If there are ways of seeing how the other person will handle pressure situations…put themin it (this way you are able to see how flexible they are or can be and how they will hold up under pressure), build a real friendship but stay out of bed, pray together, have similar values and interests in things, come to know the other person’s faults and know that you can accept them, watch to see how they treat their pets, and continue to interview right up to the last moments before marriage…
And as hard as it may seem, if that inner voice from within tells you that you are making a mistake, at least stop and listen to it and be willing to pull the plug or at least put it on hold until things can be clarified in the relationship right up to the day of the wedding. It is my feeling that I would much rather be very embarrassed and cause hurt to both of us by putting things on hold or having to walk away fromthe relationship right up to the final days before the wedding, than suck it up, be a man, and live in misery for the rest of my life. Why marry when maybe in reality you knew deep down inside of you that things were not right or small things were adding up to be big things but you didn’t know how to confront themor you were afraid that you might hurt the other person by confronting her. A lot of this stuff will come to the surface through premarital counseling. Know ahead of time that some people are able to mask or hide things or if you don’t ask specific questions may feel that “If you didn’t ask, they didn’t lie.”
As I look back in my dating over the years, I have come to realize how really naive I was in even trying to find out what questions I should ask or thinking that I really didn’t have the right to be asking certain questions until I was further into the relationship. There were some questions of which it didn’t even occur to me that I would have to ask a “Christian.” I assumed that she would have never have been into something that would be blatantly wrong that you would have to ask. Never assume anything! I now have a list of about 12 questions that I ask right from the beginning, and if they have problems with it, I would rather know now and save myself from becoming involved and the additional hurt fromhaving to break up later.
These are questions that I would feel comfortable answering for someone who was interested in dating me.
Even though in the past I have asked questions, I found that my list of questions was not complete (and I will continually be adding things to the list as experience dictates). A good example happened recently. I met a woman who enjoyed a number of activities I did and she claimed to be a Christian. After a number of dates we found that we were enjoying each other, and she invited me to go along with her and a group of her Christian friends to the mountains for a fishing trip. I found this setting absolutely invaluable for insights that I didn’t see while we were dating one on one. First I saw that her language changed when she was with her friends. Plus, she became more worldly in this atmosphere (flags started popping up). She then went into depression and wouldn’t open up to what the problemwas. Then when everybody was ready to go out for afternoon fishing, she decided that she wanted to go shopping instead of fishing. She talked one of her girlfriends into going along with her, which was fine. However, she and her girlfriend didn’t get back for dinner until 9 P.M.—drunk. Instead of going shopping, they went to the local mountain cowboy bar to go dancing and drinking. All that I could think of was “Thank You, Lord, for opening my eyes now.”
A week later, she dropped by and proudly showed me an engagement ring. She let me know that the reason she acted the way she did on the trip was because she found that she was missing this great “Christian” guy that she had been living with for the past year and a half. She had forgotten to mention it when we had started dating. The fact that she had just broken up with hima few weeks earlier had slipped her mind. As I looked over my list of questions, I really thought that asking a “Christian” if they had been living with someone since they had become a “Christian” really wasn’t necessary, but rather an oxymoron. Like I said before, NEVER ASSUME.
A friend of mine spends hours talking about everything including family background, vocation, interests, sports, friendship, their Christian faith, desire for children, sexual standards, and boundaries. After several conversations, then the decision to get together is made.
Sometimes the contacts are by email. Here is an example of a letter written by a man to a response inquiry to his ad. The woman writing had given a general description and background of herself as well as a picture.
Dear Jean,
Thank you for your recent letter and for answering my ad in CSC. You probably, like myself, have found it difficult meeting quality Christians that have some of the same values and interests as yourself, so thank you for taking a chance. Please let me introduce myself to you. My name is John Smith, and I am the one who “loves the outdoors.”
I’m 48 years old, young at heart and try to keep myself physically fit through playing racquetball twice a week and working out on other days. I play tennis whenever I can find a partner (and yes, I ampatient) and I enjoy hiking, mountain bike riding, and jogging through the hills behind my house when they don’t have it closed down from being a fire hazard.
But what I really enjoy is being outdoors. I love to fish, camp, travel, horseback ride, boat and water ski (along with jet skiing) and snow skiing. I equally enjoy both mountains and beaches. When I have a chance, I love to fish Baja, Mexico (where the water is calmand you won’t turn too blue) in the winters and then stay in a friend’s cottage, on a small island in BC, Canada in the summers.
When time allows I like to travel and camp through Utah, Wyoming, and Montana, sometimes wondering in which of these beautiful places I would like to live if I had a chance. It’s kind of fun to daydream!
Professionally, I’m in the travel marketing business, where I represent lodges, resorts, hotels, airlines, B&B’s, and guest ranches to travel trade shows for travel agents, distributing their literature and brochures to the agents. I have also been involved with putting on a Sports, Vacation and RVShow at convention centers for the past 14 years.
I am not dating just to be dating, and with some of the experiences that I have had, I didn’t think that you would have to ask a Christian some of these questions, but I was wrong. I have found that I should not take anything for granted. So, if you wouldn’t mind along with sending another photo of yourself (and if you do and this part doesn’t scare you off and you would care to pursue this further), please answer the following questions:
1. Have you ever been married? If so, for how long?
2. Is your divorce final, and when was it final?
3. How many times have you been married (including any annulments)?
4. Do you have any children and do they live with you?
5. Have you ever been involved in a relationship with a woman?
6. Since becoming a Christian, have you lived with a guy?
7. Are you a charismatic?
8. Are you democrat, republican or independent?
9. Are you pretribulation, post-tribulation, or neither?
10. To you, what are the five most important qualities that you want and look for in a mate (in order of importance)?
11. Do you smoke or use drugs?
12. And finally, who is Jesus to you and what does He mean to you in your life?
It might not sound like it here, but I really ama fun guy and enjoy having a good time, but have had to become more cautious (through experience) in my online dating. I hope that I haven’t offended or blown you away in any way, but since you are new at this type of dating you might think of asking some of these questions or some of your own, as it could sure save you a lot of time and heartbreaks. And feel free to ask any questions of me, as I am a pretty open person.
