There is yet one other style of relating. This person, a withholder, lives in a self-made castle of protection. Close relationships which involve empathy or sympathy are nonexistent.
A withholder lives with the fear of rejection, usually because of some deep past hurt. He or she is a survivor, but one who has been so damaged they don’t know how to relate effectively. They have a deep sense of shame, and many of themprotect themselves by avoiding close relationships. They don’t carry much hope for a healthy relationship.
I have seen a number of withholders over the years in counseling, and usually it is their partner who patiently and persistently pursued in order for the relationship to develop in the first place. (Too often the relationship is carried by one partner, even though that partner hopes the other will learn to respond.) But all too often the pursuing person becomes weary of doing all the work and wants out. Many withholders are what I call “blame collectors.” They personalize problems and believe that whatever happens is because of something they’ve done wrong. Their entire focus is upon themselves. For this reason they are unable to relate effectively with others.
Aside fromguilt, their emotional life is flat or nonexistent. It’s like looking at a monitor of a person’s heart and seeing not the spikes of each heartbeat but a flat line. A withholder has put so much time and energy into avoiding pain and has done such a good job, he has deadened the other emotions as well, such as hope, joy, and love.
There are several characteristics that are important to identify. You need an awareness of these in case this is a description of you or someone you may be interested in pursuing. Withholders are pursued by those who believe they can bring themout of this shell.
A withholder has a need to withhold his or her inner wounds. Their suffering is not as obvious as that of a pleaser, nor do they strive to control. They may look very well put together. But they are living with an attitude of resignation.
They feel that nothing good will ever happen to them. Why dreamwhen dreams are shattered? Why get your hopes up just to be disappointed? Many withholders avoid close relationships because safety comes frombeing distant. I’ve seen some men like this who were pursued by women who believed, “But he has so much potential. If he’d just let God get a hold of him, he could be the man he’s supposed to be. I can make that happen for him.” And in their desire to remake, refashion, and change him, they marry and are usually miserable, because it doesn’t work. There are some partners, though, who marry a withholder and let thembe the way they are. But that’s not much of a marriage either.
Keep in mind that the withholder’s focus is on themselves. It won’t be on you. If you choose a person like this, you won’t be the one their eyes are upon. Socially, many of themdon’t relate very well. They’re too involved in taking their own emotional temperature and protecting themselves.
Withholders have a sense of helplessness and believe nothing they do will make any difference or improve their lot in life. Along with this they are overcautious in their relationships. If someone shows an interest in them, they doubt that it’s sincere. They think that the other person has a hidden agenda and wants something fromthem. They feel that trusting the sincerity of other people is a foolish step because you end up getting burned.
A characteristic of withholders which is the source of major problems that I have seen in marriages over the years is passive aggressiveness. This is an indirect, underground, subtle but definite resistance. It is such a concern that it’s the subject of entire books, including Living with the PassiveAggressive Man by Scott Wetzler. It’s a very frustrating pattern to have to deal with. It destroys relationships that would otherwise make it. There are many forms of passiveaggressive behavior. Procrastinating is a favorite choice.
Procrastinators put off responsibilities or delay doing something for someone else. If they’re an hour late to pick you up, you end up feeling responsible, because they say, “Are you sure you said 10:00? I was sure you said 11:00. Oh well.” And after hearing this a couple of times, you begin to doubt what you said.
Forgetting is another favorite way to display resistance, because it can be turned back on the other person: “Are you sure you asked me?” or “Are you sure that was the time we agreed upon?” They may use your car and leave it messy and with an empty tank. They use a check and fail to write it in the checkbook. You may be talking to themabout something important and they either leave the room, get up and turn on a noisy blender, fixa drink, or increase the volume on the TV. It seems as though withholders are a bit masochistic, because they seemto gain something frombeing hurt. Perhaps they feel good about themselves for suffering silently and they resent the person whomthey perceive as having hurt them.
This is all the excuse they need to hurt back by withholding their lives. If their partner is hurting, don’t expect much from them. They don’t know how to empathize, because of their fixation on their own pain. They are grudge collectors. Each hurt is kept and transformed into resentment which just fuels the withdrawal pattern.
One of the most painful and frustrating characteristics is the way they communicate. They don’t overpower, but rather defect or are totally noncommittal. They won’t invest an opinion or make a decision. They evade, use silence, and leave the room. They have a number of simple sounds which speak volumes, such as sighs and groans, and the sounds of silence.
You ask, “What’s wrong?” and the reply is “Nothing” or “You should know,” or a shrug as they leave the room. Sometimes withholders make poor choices in marriage partners because they are afraid to select the right one for fear they’ll be abandoned. They have a negative perspective and negative expectations in their relationships. You could be a very positive, loving partner 95 percent of the time, but this will be ignored, because the 5 percent is what the withholder fixates upon.
If you tend to be a withholder, before you consider a relationship seek out a professional counselor. Your life can be different if you’re willing to give it a chance. If you are dating such a person, ask yourself, “Why?” What are your hopes and dreams for themafter you marry? Ask the person to seek counseling before you invest any more time in this relationship.
After becoming aware of three problemstyles in a relationship, perhaps you’re wondering if anyone is or can be healthy. Definitely yes. There are healthy, mature individuals in allstages of growth. We are called to be constantly growing in all phases of our life.
