If you are looking for a long-term relationship that will be fulfilling to both of you, there is no time limit on how much time to take to get to know this other person in all kinds of settings and under all sorts of circumstances. Work with them for two or three days straight on a mission project of your church or doing the cooking and cleaning up on a weekend for junior high students. Be with them on extended occasions with their family or close friends. If possible, spend a day with them at work, paint a room together, shop with them for several hours (groan!), etc.
How much time should you give to move fromshort-termto longterm? Let’s say three months to a year. You can’t rush this process, nor can you bypass it. I see and hear about couples all the time who execute a courtship bypass, but in most cases the surgery isn’t successful and eventually the patient (the marriage) dies. Recently I heard about a couple who met and in seven weeks were engaged. Both said that it just “feels right.”
They haven’t had time for any difference or crisis yet. Another couple in their 20s became engaged three months after meeting because of her dream of getting married, their physical relationship, and the extra money he would make by being married while in the army.
There has to be time for the infatuation, physical attraction, chemistry, or whatever you want to call it to subside so you can deal with the real issues of life and allow love to develop.
Whatever the initial chemistry was will hopefully continue and balance out, but much more needs to be added. If the relationship experienced intense passion because of sex and the romantic high begins to wane, couples who feel that the romantic high is essential usually do not stay together. The odds against eternal passionate love are insurmountable.
When you understand this and choose to be satisfied with the quieter feelings of satisfaction and contentment, a relationship has more of a chance. Time lets this happen. Even secular sociologists and demographers have identified predictors of what contributes to a happy marriage and indicators of a marriage that lasts. Two of them are that you married after the age of 20 and you dated for a long time before getting married.
How have you been praying about this future step? Bringing a relationship before God and asking Him for clarity, insight, and wisdom is a significant step. Looking at the relationship in light of Scripture is another way to discover God’s will. With every relationship, focus on Proverbs 3:5-6: “Lean on, trust and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind, and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths” (AMP). Then ask yourself, Will this relationship lead me (or us) to a stronger and fuller expression of reflecting the Word of God in my life or less? The answer to this may be all you need.
Before pursuing a long-term relationship, list the indications that this has been satisfying enough for you to pursue. Seeing it in writing brings greater clarity. When I work with premarital couples, they think this issue through very carefully and thoroughly and bring to their initial session a list of ten indicators as to why this is the time of their life to marry. I’d like to see this happen at the transition from a short-to longterm relationship and once again when a couple begins to entertain serious thoughts about marriage.Here are some indications or reasons that others have shared with me for your consideration. A man in his 40s shared the following:
After my divorce (actually even before) I began a biblically oriented study into the reasons for the failure of my marriage. I believe that process has paid off quite well in terms of my building a genuine Christian (i.e., godly) lifestyle and learning the basic commitment and maturity required for a Christian marriage. I’ve also dated rather extensively in the last five years and have gotten to know many women from all walks of life. In the process, I began to formulate a list of required and desirable characteristics I would need in a significant woman in my life, based upon 1) biblical mandates and principles and 2) my personal preferences, desires, needs, hopes, etc. For the first time in my life, I have an established criteria or value system by which to evaluate a potential partner. This man did find his partner. His personal growth and careful planning paid off.
A woman in her 30s shared the following:
The time is right because for the first time the person is right. There were others with many fine qualities, too, but along with these Tony is the right person. One thing that is so comforting is that when he has an “off” day and is disagreeable, grumpy, or is out of sorts, I still love him. That in itself is reassuring.
What about it? Are you emotionally and spiritually where you want to be and ready for what it takes in a long-term and hopefully permanent relationship? Have you dealt with all of your concerns? Have you completed the evaluative steps that are necessary? This may be your time to move forward.
When you’re thinking that marriage is in the future, take the next step and begin premarital or pre-engagement counseling. The opportunity to spend six to ten hours with a minister or counselor can assist you in identifying issues which you may have missed, will help you eliminate future surprises, and will assist you in developing skills that you will need in marriage.
