Underlying this area and the others is the ability to communicate with one another. Your communication is the lifeblood of your relationship. When it’s gone, so is your relationship. You may think that you’re communicating well at this time. You may think you’re connecting with your partner at this time, but are you really? For compatibility to unfold, each of you will essentially need to learn to speak one another’s language.
And the emphasis is upon learning to do so. The reason you probably aren’t speaking the same language yet is because of gender differences, personality differences, and learning-style differences. All of these are reflected in your communication patterns.
When you marry, it’s as though you marry a foreigner with his or her own culture, set of customs, and language. Because each of you is entering into a foreign culture, think about two kinds of travelers who visit foreign countries—the colonizer and the immigrant. A colonizer wants to visit another country to experience it fromhis own perspective instead of from the inhabitants’ point of view. Upon entering the country, he looks for signs in his own language and seeks out people who speak his language as well. He looks for the familiar and doesn’t really venture into uncharted territory. Nor does he attempt to learn even the basics of the language.
He is totally dependent upon the other people fromhis country who can guide him around and interpret for him. When he interacts with local residents, he doesn’t get very far, even though he’s been there for months. They’re puzzled by what he says, and he can’t comprehend themeither. It’s not a happy experience for either.
The other type of person is like an immigrant. He is somewhat of an adventurer. He prepares for the trip by orienting himself to this foreign culture. He reads books about the culture, the customs, the history, and the food of this new country and even attempts to learn everyday phrases of the language. In order to be able to converse better, he may even take a class in their language before he leaves. When he arrives at his destination, he is eager to discover all that he can. He searches out historicalsites, tries all the new foods, reads as much as he can in the language of the country, and uses his newly formed verbalskills where possible. He may even enjoy living with a family of that country for a while in order to fully capture the flavor of this new world.
As the immigrant attempts to speak this new language, the people respond in a helpful manner. They help himpronounce strange words. Often, if they are at all adept in the traveler’s language, they will begin to speak it to make him more comfortable. Thus, they perfect their own skills as well.
They seem delighted that he has made an attempt to learn their language, and they can both laugh at some of his mispronunciations. The immigrant has an enjoyable time, whereas the colonizer ends up being frustrated. This illustration is just like a marriage relationship. Each person has a choice.
What does this mean in everyday practice? Take a close look at your personality characteristics and the way in which you communicate. Then do the same for your partner and compare the two. Where each of you is different fromthe other, make an effort to learn how to take those differences and balance themout. Then adapt your communication style to match your spouse’s. Essentially you will be talking the way your partner does, and he/she will reflect back to you your own unique style of talking.
Speaking your spouse’s language includes not only vocabulary but also the person’s packaging. What do I mean by packaging? It refers to whether a person is an amplifier (sharing great volumes of descriptive detail) or a condenser (sharing little more than the bottomline). (I mentioned this briefly in the first chapter.)
If your partner is an amplifier, go ahead and expand. If he or she is a condenser, keep it brief. Amplifiers give a number of descriptive sentences as they talk, while condensers give one or two sentences. In approximately 70 percent of marriages, the man is the condenser and the woman is the amplifier. Neither is a negative trait, but the amplifier wishes his or her partner would share more, while the condenser wishes his or her partner would share less. It is only when each of you adapts to the style of your partner that compatibility begins to happen.
If your partner is an amplifier, give lots of information and detail. Keep it brief for condensers. You can always expand if the condenser wants more. But we also have to take into consideration someone’s seeing, hearing, or feeling preference. This preference reflects how a person learns best and is a must in learning to connect or be in sync with one another.
There are other ways in which our communication style varies. These need to be altered so that it’s easier to communicate with each other. Remember that in learning to become more flexible you are not denying who you are or squelching your personality. The flexibility you learn in discovering how to be compatible will assist you in other relationships in your life, including the business world.
Some individuals are very literal when they talk. They stick with the topic and answer what they’ve been asked. They don’t speculate or rely on hunches. They tend to move from point 1 to 2 to 3 to 4 and conclude with 5. Sometimes when asked a question that needs a great deal of explaining, they respond in a format similar to a newspaper article. They give you a summation sentence, then some of the details, and finally they expand.
Others, though, are not literal when they talk. They go by hunches and love to speculate and consider all the possibilities. They may go off on detours as they explain something. They don’t stick to the subject but instead go around the barn a few times. They may not finish a sentence before switching to another and then another. They tend to move frompoint 1 to 3 to 2 to 4 and then to 5. It makes perfect sense to them. When asking a question or sharing a new thought, they give you the details first and then identify the topic.
Now, do these two styles sound familiar? You’re probably one or the other, but not totally. You have both capabilities, but one is your preference or your strength. You can learn to use your non-preference side more than you realize. In doing this you adapt to the other person in your life, who may be the opposite of you.
There is another example of how we can become more compatible, and it has to do with the way in which we learn. You may learn best through what you see or what you hear or through your feelings. Do you know what your preference is?
Do you know your partner’s? Each of you has a dominant sense through which you prefer to communicate and receive communication. But you need to become aware of these so you can adapt your communication style to your mate.
A visual person relates to the world around himin terms of how things look to him. This is how the person learns best and 70 percent of people are visual. When he imagines he visualizes, and when he remembers, he recalls a picture. He experiences life through his eyes. He is primarily a watcher—movies, TV, sporting events, people, art exhibits or museums, scenery. He probably prefersreading, collecting items at which he enjoys looking, taking pictures, and looking at you. He is often concerned with how he looks to others.
A visual person talks about how things look rather than how he feels. Often a visual person tends to withdraw and brood when upset rather than talking through the problem. Is this anyone you know?
Visual people prefer face-to-face conversations over using the telephone and respond well to written messages. How can you tell if a person is visually oriented? Listen to the words that they use.
The auditory man or woman wants to hear about life. This is how this individual learns best and 20 percent of our population falls into the auditory category. This individual relates more to sounds than sights. Reading a book, the auditory person hears words silently rather than seeing pictures. You need to tell this person more than you show himor her. This individual prefers talking about something to looking at it. Long conversations are important to the auditory spouses and they tend to remember what they hear better than others…
If you want to share feelings, the auditory person will best understand you if you verbalize how you feel. Auditory people hear equally what is said and not said, and they are astute at picking up tonal changes and voice inflections.
Auditory people fall into two different categories. Some feel compelled to fill the silent moments of life with sound: talking, playing the stereo, humming. But others prefer quiet. Why would an auditory person opt for silence?
Because many of themare carrying on internal conversations, externalsounds are an interruption. Sometimes a silent auditory person’s intermittent spoken responses may not make sense to you because he fails to relate the ongoing conversation in his head.
Romancing an auditory partner must include saying, “I love you” again and again. But how you say it is as important as how often you say it. Discover the words, phrases, and tones that best convey your spoken love and use them often.
