Perhaps one of the most difficult relationships to break off is an engagement. It’s as though when you became engaged you’ve made a public announcement to the world, “I’m going to marry this person. They’re so wonderful. I’m thrilled.” Then, what does it say when you become unengaged? “I made a mistake. They’re not wonderful. Something is drastically wrong. I don’t love him/her. They don’t love me.” Perhaps that is what keeps some people from taking this step. So instead, they end up in a difficult marriage or even a divorce.
But as painful as a broken engagement is, it is nowhere as devastating as a divorce can be. Over the years I’ve heard many people say, “I knew during the first year that I’d made a mistake,” or “It was the second week of the honeymoon that I knew I should have listened to those warning signals inside of my head.” Perhaps the most drastic one came from a young man who was divorcing his wife. When asked, “How soon did you know you made a mistake?” he said, “When I saw her walking down the aisle.” How tragic!
Unfortunately, many people still believe that an engagement has the same level of commitment that a marriage is supposed to have. It doesn’t. Approximately 40 to 50 percent of engagements in our country break up. Over the past five years, of all the couples that I have seen in premarital counseling, 30 to 35 percent decided not to marry, and some at the last minute.
In all but two of the cases, the couple made the decision themselves without my having to recommend this step. A friend of mine shared with me that 80 percent of the couples he works with in premarital counseling make a decision not to marry. Over the years I’ve seen couples who have canceled the wedding just a week or two prior to the wedding.
One woman in her 20s realized that she didn’t fully love the quality young man to whom she was engaged. She had hoped that after being married she would fall in love with him. Two weeks prior to the wedding, which would have been a very large and elaborate service and reception, she told her father, “Dad, I have some bad news for you. I’m sorry, because it’s going to cost you a lot of money for nothing, but I just don’t love my fiance.
It would be wrong to go through with this wedding.” Her father responded, “Honey, don’t be concerned about the money. I’m more concerned about you and your happiness. Whatever you feel is best, I’ll back you.” And the wedding was canceled. Two years later she met the man who was to become her husband. Her act took courage. It was disappointing and painful to many people, but some of the wisest decisions of life are.
You can expect even more pressure from other people when you break an engagement than when you break a longterm relationship. You might wish you could go into seclusion to escape the embarrassment and all of the questions or even genuine offers of concern. But whenever any relationship is broken, whether it be long-term or an engagement, it may be better to take charge of it by making a statement. This will help put yourself and everyone else at ease. One of the best ways
I’ve seen this happen is by formulating a letter to give to the significant people in your life (friends and relatives), stating what has happened, how it’s impacted you, and the best way for them to respond to you. People have been doing this for years when they experience a breakup, the death of a close loved one, a divorce, or even having a disabled person in the family. A letter could read like this:
Dear __________,
Because you are a significant person in my life, I wanted to share with you a recent event in my life that will probably affect me for some time. As you know, __________ and I have been dating exclusively for the past three years. It appeared to us and to many others that we were on our way to marriage, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. I (or we, depending upon the situation) have decided that it would be best after all this time to dissolve our relationship and each of us move on with our lives.
There are reasons for this and after much thought, discussion, and prayer, I/we feel this is the best step to take. I’m sorry for the disappointment this may cause you as well as any feelings of awkwardness you experience, since many of you are friends of both __________ and me. For some of you, this will mean a loss of doing things with us as a couple as we have done in the past. So it will take some adjustment on your part, as it will on ours.
You may be wondering how to respond to me at this time and what to talk about and what not to say. Actually, you could feel free to respond to me as you have in the past. I can handle references about ________ and me. It’s not something you have to avoid. For a while, I may avoid going to some of the places that ________ and I frequented while I adjust to my new status. I probably won’t go into any more detail about this decision, but suffice it to say it is the best for me at this time in my life. Thank you for your support and your prayers.
A letter such as this is genuine, and it appears there is not too much trauma associated with the breakup. If it was traumatic, it would be helpful to mention that it was devastating and that you will cry and be upset from time to time. Let them know specifically what you need from them, and share the fact that you may be recovering for several months.
Usually other people have a timetable for our recovery that is unrealistic, and their expectations need to be altered. There will still be very close friends and relatives that you will talk with and go into greater detail with. But not everyone needs this, and many people who are curious and/or concerned will be helped by your letter. It also protects you from having to share the situation several times a day. The recounting of it again and again can become exhausting and painful.
Great one