"We will not separate because of the children"

Separate or not separate? This is a common question of today’s man. At the same time, our parents always say that today's young people do not know how to be patient. But I reply how bad it is to read in the media that a seventy-year-old woman killed her husband ... Because that means she probably suffered badly for fifty years ... Because she didn’t have the courage to divorce. And their children, who are strongly marked for life, also suffered with it. Unless they have decided to heal these wounds with the help of a psycho or some other therapist.

Therefore, I do not find it critical that today's young people can / dare to separate. Quite the opposite. I am happy for those who I know did not go any other way, but had the courage and strength to take this step.

That doesn’t mean I’m a proponent of divorce. Far from it. Whenever someone opens up to this topic of personal ordeal, I ask if she and her partner have taken all possible paths to get closer. Did you visit any good family therapists? I am of the opinion that everything needs to be done before they decide to end. Especially if they already have children.

Well, we're there ... kids....

How often do I hear that the two are not separated just because of the children. Once upon a time, this phrase was like a balm to my heart. I thought to myself: the two are so self-sacrificing that they put children first. Then came the day I was given a look into a man’s soul. There, however, are all different records than in consciousness. I got people whose parents also lived this motto for therapy, and discovered what severe wounds the difficult relationship between my parents had left on the man who came to me for help. Where there was severe misunderstanding between the parents, extremely difficult relationships, and the child grew up in such an environment, this had a very destructive effect on him. The child always thinks that all this is happening between the parents because of him. Because of him, mom and dad don't like each other, they quarrel, they hate each other ... He takes everything on himself. What the parents throw at each other in the face, the child perceives as if they threw at him. Therefore: we do not argue in front of children. Are silent masses then more acceptable? Ofcourse not. We
know: the child feels. Everything that happens between the parents. Spoken and unspoken.

So what to do? When to insist on marriage or when is divorce a better decision?

When squeaking in marriage, always seek professional help. If it still doesn’t work out, it doesn’t make sense to stay together. It is better for a child to live in peace for a week with one parent and a week with the other parent. Like in hell with both of them.

But something else is very interesting about all of this. When a child is asked what is better for him - for his parents to separate or live together, even if they do not like each other, almost everyone will insist on living together. That it means the most to him in the world.

Yes, every divorce is a severe shock for children, you can't close your eyes before that. What harm is done to a child who has to live in the daily hell of a difficult partnership, but is written in the subconscious. And one day he strikes with all his might on the plane in the form of very severe symptoms. It can be given as a child, if not earlier, around the age of forty. For example, in loss of consciousness, depression, burnout, inability to partner ...

Therefore, the sentence: we do not separate because of the children, it is extremely difficult and it affects me very much. Because I imagine what children go through in such a marriage. Think carefully before uttering this sentence and not reacting in the right direction; if there is no more love or respect between you.

Often, however, this sentence is just an excuse for human ease. Just that there is no need to make changes in life. Because it already takes effort.

I am writing this also for those of you who have divorced because there was no more love and respect between you, and before that you took advantage of the knowledge of a family therapist. But you still sometimes wonder if you did the right thing. In confirmation that you have certainly done the best for your children (and for yourself). In this way, children will have a much more beautiful childhood and youth. Consequently all my life. This will give them the right patterns for all the following days: problems need to be faced and solved. But don't sweep them under the rug and pretend to be happy in front of the world, even if there's nothing going on under your home roof. If the child grew up in such an environment, there is a very high probability that he will also find a partner with whom he will live in such a hell as he had in the primary family. Because that's the only thing that's right for him. Parents are the greatest role models for a child. If the parents are "killing" each other, this is obviously the most real way of life and it sinks into his subconscious.

And for those who are just entering the world of adults: think three times about who to start a family with. And take the time to get to know each other. Therefore, it is better to take a year more than less. Life can be so beautiful. If you share it with the right person.

Thank you for reading.

Happy Sunday!

@Kaya