I always ask myself why would I need to be one of them? why do I need to hide my true identity when I'm with them? do I need all of them? Sometimes being one of them makes my life colorful, in just one minute someone noticed my girly outfits but inside I feel suffocated, go out with them eating in a fancy restaurant, and order expensive drinks to feel like I am part of them. Being their shoulder when they feel the world was giving up on them, but when I experienced likewise I suffered alone in my room, listening to a worship song praying to God that someday I will be what I want to be. Maybe someday I will find someone who accepts me, does not hide, does not pretend, just me. Now I'll just accept the fact that I need to be what others want me to be. For the reason that I don't want to come back again on my past life that no one can notice my new outfits, sitting on the stairs alone while reading a book during a party night in school and pretending to my parents that I enjoyed it even though it's not. I remember when someone gave an invitation card to me for her debut and I am part of an 18th candle I rejected it. I know they are all going to laugh at me while making a speech because of my accent and probably in my boyish outfit. I'm afraid of showing to them my true identity, I won't accept any persecution, judgments, negative comments on my life right now because last time I've heard all of that I am near to death! I suffer alone that no one noticed, I don't remember when the last time I smile in front of the camera or in everyone. but right now when I am part of them, everyone wanted to see my smile, outfit, hear my voices, and be part of everyone's party. I know I lied but I'll rather choose to be what they want me to be than what I want to be. Probably all of you saying that they are not true friends because I need to hide my true identity from them, I choose it and I will never regret it. Thanks to you all for accepting me in your life and making my teen life the most memorable experienced that no one can understand. All of us was suffered alone and I'm so lucky to pass those nightmares. I remember while I'm on an anxiety attack my mom enter my room, seeing me crying while my hands are shaking. She wants to hug me but I refuse it because they put me in that situation there one of the reasons why I experienced it. I'm in my room all day and no one can knock on my door checking if I'm okay, if I'm alive, no one can ask a question if I already eat because they are all busy making money. How about me? do I need to suffer alone? where are you when I needed you the most? I already suffered alone and I will overcome it alone. don't worry it makes me strong and independent no one can easily dump on me. I'm alright 100% sure and I just want to share my story right now, I am on my bed laughing all day because of the girls' tea on my messenger.
