Trying my best to make you whole again.
that time sabi ko, ayy ako na, time kona kasi matagal na kitang gusto. Niligawan mo ko, naging masaya naman tayo. I always visit your house because I believe you can't do that to me, you're not tough to face my whole family I guess so. I always make an effort to be with you. I know to myself that you're my safe place. We're not the type of couple who's going on a date, sharing our problems, nor what couples do. I guess. I miss your mom, her "Kamusta kana nak" "pupunta kaba dito" "may sakit si ** gagaling yun pag inalagaan mo" "nagluto ako nak, punta ka dito". Do you know the most heartbreaking part? I miss when you called me "by"while hugging. It's been a year since we broke up, and I guess the traumas that you've offered are still in me. Whenever a man tries to persuade me, I'm scared, I'll distance myself and sometimes ghost them. Till the day, you've said that you wanted to come back with your ex. It's always in my dream like it's a nightmare and I don't want to wake up. I give my best to heal your heart because I love you more than myself. But I guess my effort is not enough. You still choose her and the smile, laugh, shining face that you've right now. I never see that when you're with me. I surmise I go through your life to make you whole again and return to the person who leaves you through your haziness life. I wish someday when I woke up I'm totally healed, with no more tears, nightmares, and probably I'm ready to be with someone again**. Ang unfair Kasi ikaw ung pumasok sa buhay ko, ikaw ung nanligaw pero sa huli ako ung nasaktan, nasira at higit sa lahat ginive up ang lahat.** Huwag ka mag-alala hindi na kita guguluhin papalakihin ko to ng magisa. Maging masaya ka mahal ko.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJod2LFvK7Q
What's not meant to you
When I watch a video this word attacks. Sometimes **we want to achieve things that there is not meant to us** when we keep going but nothing change. When God decided that this thing is not meant for you you'll need to obey it unless you wanted to waste all of your energy and nothing changes for it but sometimes we need to realize it is part of the process if we give up there will be a possibility that we've missed a chance of opportunity. I think right now you'll ask if it is part of the process nor it is not meant for me? We don't have any assurance to this world that's why we need to take a risk neither win nor lose that's the case. Remember that if you'll lose you won't need to stop what you're aiming for keep going. There is always meant for you.
HOLD ON AND LET GOD
While celebrating our anniversary in church one of the testimony that I heard is **hold on and Let God,** no matter what you're praying for right now always let God make a plan for you. It's just like when you saw a wishing flower and made a wish after that blow in a wind. When you're already talking to God that, this is your want nor goal you need to trust him no matter what. If you already trusted him then let his will move not your plan but his plan. You make wind move off your wishing flower and wait until having a miracle (just kidding). When the storm comes during your journey way on your Goal remember that God is with you because you already put your trust in him. Endure the humps when you're on a road-going on your way to success. It's not easy but remember that the hardest is always on the first try but when you already pass it, the success will come.
**STILL HEALING FROM THINGS I DON'T SPEAK ABOUT, I JUST TAKE IT DAY BY DAY**
My mentor told me when I'm in the midst of darkness "you don't need to rush everything little by little and one day you'll wake up you're okay. Trust the process that God put you in, he'll make a way no matter what happened. Even though you won't see him hugging you when you say that you wanted to feel his presence he will give you a person to do that. Till now I'm still praying for my healing its been a year since my last attempt at suicide but here am I still fighting day by day. I know all of us were fighting on a different storm of life and it is not easy. I won't know what you're facing off right now but I'll testify how God make my life better than before. Seek him and let his plan do. **You'll pass that storm if God is with you :)**
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7jXASBWwwI
Keep Going and Never Underestimate Your Ability To Growth
ilang beses na din ako nagtry na huminto pero kapag naiisip ko na mas malala pa pala ung kalagayan ko noon kaysa ngayon mas namomotivate ako na magpatuloy. Hindi naman masama ang magpahinga ang masama ung nadapa ka pero mas pinili mo na wag ng bumangon. I realized na hindi madali ang buhay sa mundo pero paulit-ulit lang naman ung nangyayari ang mahalaga nag grow ka and mas nagiging strong ka to do something na gusto mo. Kung magfocus ka kasi sa mga bagay na hindi naman worth it unti-unti mo lang din sinisira ung sarili mo. Maraming bagay sa mundo na pwede mong pagkaabalahan wag kang magfocus sa iisang bagay. Naalala ko nga noon nakakapasok ako na wala namang ni piso sa bulsa pero nasa college na ako ngayon. Pumapasok ako ng walang kain pero sobra na ung grocery ko sa kwarto ngayon. Nakakapag-aral ako ng walang cellphone, pero may laptop at iphone ako ngayon. Tamang tingin lang sa mga bagong damit ng mga kaklase ko noon, pero ngayon hindi kona alam kung saan ko susuotin ung mga pinagoorder kong damit. Dati pangarap ko lang na magkaroon ng refrigerator tapos may malamig na tubig, pero ngayon punong puno na ng mga ibat-ibang klase ng drinks. Sobrang laki ng binago ni Lord sa buhay ko kaya sobrang thankful lang din ako. Dati gusto ko lang naman mabilihan si mama ng silver na necklace or any accessories pero ngayon Gold ung binigay ni Lord na maibigay ko. Habang inaalala ko to hindi ko maiwasan na maluha grabe na pala ung blessing na bingay nya sakin. Dati palamig lang masaya na ako ngayon kahit anong milktea pa wala ng saya. Alam nyo narealized ko lang na hindi talaga nakukuntento ang tao. kahit kaylan hindi tayo magiging masaya sa mga bagay na pang mundo. Nagiging masaya lang ako pag nakikita kong masaya ung pamilya ko ngayon. Pag napaglulutuan ko sila, pag nagiging proud sila at higit sa lahat pag wala silang sakit. No matter where you are right now keep going! malayo layo kapa pero malayo kana para sumuko pa
PROBABLY LOSING INTEREST IN ANYONE IS THE LEARNINGS THAT I CAN BRING IN 2022!!
should I say yes for the sake of not regretting?
I have had someone who courted me since we are in 7th Grade but I rejected him many times and suddenly lose a connection when he fled to the United States probably achieving his dream there. But we talked again and it's already 7months till he's started courting me. I already experienced a lot of breaks up and the nightmare that one person promised to you that he never leaves your side through ups and downs and ended up his the first person who broke your heart and reason why I already questioning my worth. He is consistent till now but I prefer the old courting, giving a flower, courting your parents, holding the groceries that you'll buy, being the shoulder to cry when you're in the midst of a breakdown, doubting yourself, or even when you feel the world was against on you. I prefer a relationship when you share all your problems with each other no more secrets.
being what others want you to be? or being what you want to be?
I always ask myself why would I need to be one of them? why do I need to hide my true identity when I'm with them? do I need all of them? Sometimes being one of them makes my life colorful, in just one minute someone noticed my girly outfits but inside I feel suffocated, go out with them eating in a fancy restaurant, and order expensive drinks to feel like I am part of them. Being their shoulder when they feel the world was giving up on them, but when I experienced likewise I suffered alone in my room, listening to a worship song praying to God that someday I will be what I want to be. Maybe someday I will find someone who accepts me, does not hide, does not pretend, just me. Now I'll just accept the fact that I need to be what others want me to be. For the reason that I don't want to come back again on my past life that no one can notice my new outfits, sitting on the stairs alone while reading a book during a party night in school and pretending to my parents that I enjoyed it even though it's not. I remember when someone gave an invitation card to me for her debut and I am part of an 18th candle I rejected it. I know they are all going to laugh at me while making a speech because of my accent and probably in my boyish outfit. I'm afraid of showing to them my true identity, I won't accept any persecution, judgments, negative comments on my life right now because last time I've heard all of that I am near to death! I suffer alone that no one noticed, I don't remember when the last time I smile in front of the camera or in everyone. but right now when I am part of them, everyone wanted to see my smile, outfit, hear my voices, and be part of everyone's party. I know I lied but I'll rather choose to be what they want me to be than what I want to be. Probably all of you saying that they are not true friends because I need to hide my true identity from them, I choose it and I will never regret it. Thanks to you all for accepting me in your life and making my teen life the most memorable experienced that no one can understand. All of us was suffered alone and I'm so lucky to pass those nightmares. I remember while I'm on an anxiety attack my mom enter my room, seeing me crying while my hands are shaking. She wants to hug me but I refuse it because they put me in that situation there one of the reasons why I experienced it. I'm in my room all day and no one can knock on my door checking if I'm okay, if I'm alive, no one can ask a question if I already eat because they are all busy making money. How about me? do I need to suffer alone? where are you when I needed you the most? I already suffered alone and I will overcome it alone. don't worry it makes me strong and independent no one can easily dump on me. I'm alright 100% sure and I just want to share my story right now, I am on my bed laughing all day because of the girls' tea on my messenger.
