My Soured Christmas Journey Has Begun

The floating nature of the ocean does not make it a competitor to the wind but it goes to confirm that both the ocean and the wind are inseparable.

If I could have one more chance to make it right, I would jump on it with all I have irrespective of what the world will say. My heart still bleeding and yearns for an endearing peace but it seems peace has gone so far away from me. I truly deserve peace but it seems I may not get it no matter how hard I try. Just yesterday I made an open confession about how I shamelessly allowed my stupid desires pushed to me cheat on the only guy who has done nothing else other than to love me unconditionally. I thought I could get some sort of peace by pouring out my sins and accepting any form of condemnation that might come with it but, it seems as though I will never have that peace I seek. In all the years we have been together, the Christmas seasons are always the best and most romantic for me because he goes out of his way to spoil me silly both with gifts and love. Right now I can only see my Christmas in ruins already because I can’t imagine telling a friend who has loved me with all his heart that I cheated on him.

All through yesterday he kept on calling me just to know how I am doing. I have been trying to summon the courage to talk to him about my stupid mistake but my will keeps failing me each time I try. I thought confessing openly will help me but it has become worst and I feel nothing other than to end my life right now. Truth be told, I love him with all my heart and I know that my life will not be the same if he leaves me. I know that I will never find that perfect lover who will love and respect me the way he does. How do I make this go away? Please, someone should wake me up. I feel like I am dreaming and I would give anything for this to go away. Last night he called me and made his usual joke of “Just love me”, I could not find myself laughing the way I use to laugh whenever he makes the joke instead, hot tears ran down my cheeks and I had to end the call just for him not to know that I was hurting inside. He called me back and asked me if my network was bad, I instantly said yes. I have never lied to him before now but it seems like the only thing that comes out of my mouth whenever he wants to know why I am moody is lies and nothing more.

One thing I know is that he has a feeling that something is not right with me but just like the perfect and caring guy he is, he will never pressurize me to talk. He has asked me more than twice and I have given him the same answer. It is not because I don’t want to tell him rather it is because I don’t want to break his heart which might lead to the end of our sweet love life. Can I carry this guilt for so long? I am gradually melting away in my sin. This is why I come to this platform to pure out my soul hoping that someone will be able to help me walk through this lonely road of guilt. Just as we do every Christmas, he has invited me over and has purchased two tickets for our usual Christmas vacation. I remembered how he was so excited to inform me about the newest place he found in Lagos and I was so happy to accept without any hesitation not knowing that the devil was going to tempt me in such a stupid way. Do I have to blame it on the devil? Of course, I foolishly allowed it to happen because if I did not hop into that car with him, nothing would have happened. I don’t think I can forgive myself for this silly and costly mistake.

I am just walking on this lonely road of guilt not knowing how to open up to him, this is not a matter of trying to hide it from him rather it is out of fear of what might happen when I tell him the painful truth. I have never been involved in any form of cheating and this is why it feels so awkward for me. Would he ever trust me or even believe that I have never cheated on him before? It was too easy for me to fall into such temptation since I have not cheated before, I could have fought back but I did not. I am just writing to try and ease off the pain that flows in my heart every second of the day. I need help. Everyone, your girl needs help. Please, your good advice will save a sister from running mad or doing something crazy to herself. I am waiting for your response.