When you get married while you still young, you sell your youth for love, then one day you realised you missed something that was part of you. But now you're living in a different lane.
I don’t know what to say, don’t know what to do, I just feel like a fool. I feel like I wasn’t old enough to tie the knot.
In hindsight, I was afraid and in denial. I didn’t know what I wanted from you. I didn’t know what I was stepping into.
Still young, living in the shadow of a life without goals. Going from house to house, living with people I hardly knew. Connected through blood, I don’t appreciate.
Remembering how I used to cry all the time, how I used to wonder why life was passing me by, whiles I was still trying to figure out who am I. I got thrown into the fire of immaturity, living in a world of enormous responsibility. Trying to be the best I could be, trying hard to be the wife you wanted me to be.
I looked up at you; believed in you, believed I got the best man a woman could get. I tried to settle my mind, and be the one big thing in your life and you be the best thing in my life.
If you and me felt like a fantasy- I wouldn’t have a problem sleeping next to you like a fairy from happy land wrapped in laces embroidered with diamonds and gold.
I wasn’t sure why I was still so immature, not wasn’t sure about anything thrown in my way; No one prepared me to live a life bigger than me; I didn’t expect life was going to be a nightmare I couldn’t escape.
Many times I felt I made a mistake, sometimes I felt I got betrayed. But the reality was more than my brain could take. I was ripping the reward of my doing. The “I wished I’d known “phrase ripped through my head. Regrets mounting above me, wriggling my heart dry of any piece of happiness to survive.
How long I will have to cry about the things I didn’t know? It wasn’t good for me. Bury me alive under the burden of grief over my youth taken from me? Maybe I will come out of this misery with a grown up mind, out of the wild dreams and hope to return to my youth and live it as I should have?
I will never grow up. I will never be the adult you want me to. I’m like a child with children, a mum with a desire for the world to turn purple and pink when I blink. I’m stuck in my childhood, because I never lived the life of a child when I was one.
Now I’m in a world that no sense to me, a world too mature, too polite for me. I’m lost in the wildest forest of proper adults living to make big decisions about life. Because I’m still a child living in a body of an adult. Age in numbers is nothing that matters. My inner self could not accept I grow up like a woman when I didn’t live the life of a child.
It’s a different time, fresh minds around me, but I’m still the same inside. Nothing can make me live and breath adult life inside. I’m stuck in time, my clock broken at childhood time, now I can’t move forward to be the woman mature for a man to live together like a man and woman would in a normal life.
You want to do what men and women would do, hold a conversation like a woman and man would, but I’m bored with adult life. I’m bored with mum life every day. When I’m carried away, you wonder what I’m thinking of, as I dream of being a butterfly beautiful and free to explore the big wide world without limits.
Down deep somewhere, in my heart, there is a soft little spot for the children I bore in this world. I’m sacrificing for the babies depending on me to take for them. God forbid I repeat mother’s mistakes. Some consideration for the innocents who came along into my life. They resulted from my decisions; I am responsible for them. My heart would not let me walk away to find what I lost at their expense.
I surrendered to my heart. I couldn’t let go of what I’ve worked hard to patch and to iron flat and perfect. I have made a new reality, though not as easy as a breeze, but we’ll done to ease my journey to recreate a new me.
Some times I will drown in sorrow but that’s okay, I know someday I will look back and feel proud of myself for the only right decision I have ever made, includes my whole family. I would realised then how much goodness I have and how much love I have been holding in my heart for the children and the man I grew to love, throwing away selfishness for my happiness alone and choose the ones who have become a part of who I am today.
Give me a chance to give it my best to hold on to what we have built together all our lives., a life we started when we were still young and innocent with no one to guide us but our hearts fallen in love with each, against all difficulties facing us on our way.
God forbid I become a fool and undo all the good work I did in place of a desire that may never be the same today.
Copyright: @JoyOfWomanhood 12-7-2021
Image: copyright @JoyOfWomanhood 12-7-2021