I'm Dying but I'm Already in Hell

Ok. Ok. I'm not really dying. I just feel like I am. And I'm obviously not in Hell. Unless they have laptops in Hell. Do they?

I digress. But I did put freewriting as a topic. Now you get to see how my brain really works. (Put on your seat belt! Here we go!)

I AM dying for a cigarette.

I told you earlier that it was all I could think about. It still is all I can think about. The Hell I feel I am in is entirely self-imposed.

I refuse to buy as much as one more cigarette. I refuse to smoke. I refuse to continue with this bad habit. Why is 'habit' spelled with only one 'b' but 'rabbit' spelled with two???

English is such a weird language.

Do you ever come across something that is supposed to be very professional and you find typos and mistakes and misspellings? I came across this situation earlier and the editor in me really wanted to correct it. The nice person in me kept saying, relax, you know what they mean, it isn't your job to edit their work. The anal-retentive part of me insisted I edit and correct their work. My brain said, FINE I'll relax AS SOON AS I SMOKE A CIGARETTE.

I'm not really shouting at you. I'm simply hitting the ALL CAPS button with vigor. Vigorously.

I don't even know what I'm thinking about here, let alone what I'm writing about. Jack Kerouac made stream of conscious writing look so easy. I'm just writing gobbelty gook.

I suppose I could submit this as a response to my earlier prompt. Only I'm basically writing nonsense just to keep my fingers busy so I don't tear out all of my hair.

Maybe I should go brush my teeth again.

My best friend, Gracie, says I should blow bubbles as an alternative activity.

I mean I would but it is snowing outside.

Yes, I'm still in Texas. It isn't even snowing in NY. It is raining in the city where my mom lives, to where Keith and I are moving. We'll know WHEN we are moving as soon as we close on the house.

We finally found a house. We submitted our bid. It was accepted. We are under contract, but the deal isn't done until the attorneys say it is done. The deal is contingent upon the seller finding a place for themselves to live by the end of March.

If they don't, we will kill the contract.

Real estate is hard.

Did I mention it is snowing?

That is the view out of our front door this morning.

The weird thing about it being so cold is that I keep having weird hot flashes. Kind of like you get when you are drinking wine. But I'm not drinking wine. I'm only drinking gallons and gallons of water. Water is supposed to help with the withdrawal.

I think it is the withdrawal that is making my face feel flushed. I am sitting under a few blankets, but I have to keep pushing the blankets off of my lap.

Addiction is stupid.

Don't get addicted to whatever you do. It is like being a slave. I am 100% controlled by this stupid addiction. And my head hurts.

If only I could have a cigarette the headache would go away. Wouldn't it?

Nah. It wouldn't

I guess I'm running out of steam. The strongest urge has gone away.

See you when the next craving hits!

I'll leave you with a cute polka dot flower inside shoes sculpture I saw at the San Francisco Airport.

Photos of snow and polka dot shoe sculpture; photo credit: Jonica Bradley

All other images license free from Unsplash