Heart Deceased

"Let's break up"

I look at him when he suddenly stands up not facing me while saying those words without explaining the why's.

He just told me how he is tired of everything and that he wanted to have freedom. I remember how I begged him to stay and telling him how I cannot live without him. I believed that time that I may be born in this world without him and within those times I lived without him but the moment he entered my life, he became my world where I will be destroyed if he ever leaves me.

Crazy?

Insane?

That's just an underestimate word for my madness. I was a madwoman in love with a man who decided to leave me and love someone else.

Yes. that is true, he left me for some other girl he dated while dating me.

I know,

I felt it

I saw him with that girl million times before but I didn't do anything, I was afraid. I just cannot accept the fact that he'll leave me once I've become paranoid so I let him.

it crushed me

Yes,

it hurts a lot

I'm in a lot of pain

I feel like I'm in hell

But for the sake of our love, I'll endure anything.

The only thing that makes me feel alive was his words when he told me that I am the only girl for him, that I am the only one he wants for the rest of his life. That he loves me and will love me until our last breath.

I remembered how hurt I was when he left me dumbfounded in the middle of our date. My heart hurts thinking about the why's.

Why did he leave me? was I too possessive?

Why he cheated on me? was I not enough?

What did I do wrong? Where did we go wrong...

Do I deserve this so much pain?

I remembered me sitting in the middle of the abandoned road thinking about my mistakes. I felt the warm water flowing on my cheeks and the thorn on my heart, that aches as I breathe.

I stare into an empty space with nothing in my head.

now I realized that

I was cheated on

left

blamed

and unloved.

I stand up and took my coffee and bag. That was eight (8) years ago, the biggest lesson in my life indeed.

I entered my car and immediately started the engine to go home. too exhausted to stop by anywhere.

as I drive my car, I realized that I was traumatized. It took me five (5) years to go on again with my life. I burdened my family and friends as well as my doctors who took care of me during my longest nights and days. I still have the fear and everything, I can never love again, I feel like I have a heart deceased. A heart that is dead; unable to love anyone.

I parked my car and stepped out taking my bag and coffee. Looking at it, I kind of laugh in my mind. Laughing at how I buy coffee when I never liked it. It was too strong for me so I preferred tea. But because of the man I loved before I pretended to like it and until now I still do it. I just can't undo that habit.

I throw the coffee into the trash bin and walk towards my condo, it took me 4 floors to reached my home.

As I open the door I smell very delicious food.

"Oh you're here" He greeted me as he kissed my forehead and took my bag.

"How was your day?" He asks and gave me the sweetest smile as usual.

"Good," I said and took off my blazer, he saw me do that and helped me. He is so annoying.

He successfully took off my blazer and hang it on the veranda. I stand up still, and wait for him to go inside; after a few minutes, he entered the living room with again a smile on his face.

I come towards him and crushed my lips to his. I felt how he was shocked but he responded after some seconds. I felt his hands roam around my body and it felt so good. I unbutton his polo and now I noticed that he just also got home from work. I take off the apron he is wearing and undo his belt. He also unbuttons my polo while kissing my neck. I can feel him rubbing me and Oh God, this feels so good.

I am feeling the heat and I'm also sure that he also does when we both heard a loud siren-like noise that made us jumped and stopped what we were doing.

"Sorry, that's the chicken I guess," He said smiling while pointing at the microwave. He left me hanging, with my unbuttoned polo and a body that wants more. D*mn.

I dressed up and after some while, I come towards the kitchen and saw how the food looks so delicious and was made very well, I cannot control my hunger.

"You must be really starving" he chuckled, I continued to devour the food since it is extremely delicious. I heard him laugh as he gives me the chicken that interrupted us while we are in the middle of... ugh.

"Slow down, no one's rushing you" he commented while putting on my side a glass of water.

I bit the chicken and chew really hard hoping that this freaking chicken will feel my anger.

we finished eating and he offered to wash the dishes. I stared at him while he's facing me his back.

Cohen Castillo,

He was introduced by my friend and told me that the guy is good and just like me a broken soul too. He experienced the same thing as me but his, was longer than mine. ever since he never dated believing that every partner he'll have will just break him.

What are we now?

A f*ck buddy

The thing to come to when you feel the heat.

That's just what we are.

We met three (3) years ago and lived together.

I snapped when he sat in front of me with again a smile on his face.

"I have something to say" He stated so I told him to go on

"I'm going to leave the country..." after a long pause he continued.

"for good" This time without his usual smile.

"That's great, have a good life," I told him and stands up

"A month from now" he continued

I looked at him and told him "Good for you" I walk towards our room leaving him behind in the kitchen.

***

I'm emotionally drained it's as if I cannot feel anything especially when it comes to a person. I don't know how to love anymore and what it felt when you love someone and someone loves you.

I don't care if cohen leaves me behind as if that's new.

Weeks passed and all we did was sustained our body heat. I didn't notice that the time we have together is getting small.

only a week left before he departed. He wanted to take me everywhere and I let him. We go to; a park, beach, mountain, eating out, cinema and so much more.

That was an exhausting week and finally, the day has come

I saw him checking his suitcase and bag.

I promised to take him to the airport, I helped him get his suitcase and bag to my compartment. After that, we both entered the car, I started the engine and step on the gas.

Silence enveloped us as if breaking it is a sin.

We are almost near the airport when traffic hit us. Oh geez.

"Bailey" I heard him called my name with his soft yet deep voice. I looked at him and felt awkward when he stared at me without his usual smile.

"Please take care of yourself; do not just buy some processed food, eat vegetables and fruits a lot too. Do not forget to drink your milk before you sleep because you have really bad insomnia and that's the only thing that can make you fall asleep and please never take any pills anymore, those aren't good for you a--

I interrupted him and didn't let him finish nagging me.

"Stop acting like my boyfriend or anything; in case you forgot... we are nothing," I said

He was dumbfounded...

and then He smiled,

a bitter one

"Right," He said and he immediately zips his mouth and silence is there again. Luckily the traffic was lifted and we immediately got to the airport.

We entered the airport and while walking I saw other people crying while holding their family, friends, lovers and I don't know.

I didn't notice that we are already in the part where we need to part ways. I saw him smiling but not the usual one.

He offered his arm and my body, mind, and soul reacted on their own and hugged him. It was a long hug before he let me go.

He didn't say anything and just stared at me for some minutes. after that, he smiled again and pinched my cheek, and finally, he faces his back on me. I don't know why but I stood up still, waiting for him to look back but until I cannot see him anymore, he never did. and that time I felt it.

It stings

After eight (8) years, I felt it again, the warm water flowing down my cheeks and the thorn in my heart that prevents me to breathe.

I chuckled.

I guess I still have feelings.

Heart deceased my ass.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, events, and incidents are either the product of the Author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.